land of the cinematically lost (in space)

LAND OF THE LOST & STAR TREK
-a preview
For those of you who only want my very best, you can click off now. You've read the title, and you need go no further.
Still here?
Fair enough, but i warned you.
Two of this summer's films i've not yet seen are recreations of beloved television shows from my tender youth. One has never been far from me, either in spirit or direct experience. The other i'd not seen since those childhood days of yore, until a few weeks ago when interest in the new film prompted a televised marathon of old episodes. One of the shows has aged well. The other looks almost laughably amateurish, with animation that doesn't stand up well to KING KONG, four decades before.
Nonetheless, i love them both, and am going to grump a little bit here. And YES, it's in poor taste to trash something you haven't seen. Very poor taste. I insist that none of you engage in such suspect behavior, ever.
I, of course, as the AOATGAF*, am allowed.
These days, blasting Hollywood's lack of originality is becoming, well...cliched. Oh irony, we lovest thou so.
And apparently i'm going out on a limb doubting the new TREK, as the reviews from trekkie and non-trekkie alike are glowing, even startlingly so. But a comparison to another childhood treasure, 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA, comes to mind. I first saw 20,000 as a movie when i was five, and it wowed me. I then experienced it at ten, as a ride at Disneyworld, and in an instant it was my favorite ride ever. Then at fifteen, i read the book.
Does the new Trek have all the glitz and gloss of the first two, without the substance of the last?
I am, of course, open to having my lowered expectations completely, gloriously foiled. Unless they try to pass Chekov off as being in the same academy class as Kirk, then i'm walking right out.
As for LAND OF THE LOST...i was actually excited when i heard about it coming to the big screen. A devoted treatment of a cherished memory? And perhaps Will Ferrell had finally come around to the role he'd been born for: goofy uncle. In my mind, for some reason, he became the new Uncle Jack.
Then i realized he'd most likely be Marshall. Then i saw the poster, and my mind went thud. No no no no no...what had they done? Not only was Will not the goofy uncle, there weren't even any kids to be goofy with. Those are ADULTS in the raft with him! What??
And suddenly it made sense, i could see the meeting of Hollywood producers and sycophants...
WEASEL #1: But sex! We gotta get sex into it!
WEASEL #2: We could have Cha-ka be a hot missing link babe! And one night, she crawls into Will's sleeping bag...
WEASEL #1: No no...how about Holly? Let's make her fifteen, and bursting right out of her tube top...wait, did i say fifteen? I meant eighteen, eighteen! The trip can be a high school graduation present for the kids! And we give HER the scene with Cha-ka! He's watching her bathe! We can make T-shirts, "What Happens in the Land of the Lost, Stays in the Land of the Lost"!!
And from there, it got progressively worse, until the final casting: Ferrell, Artie Lang, and Brooke Burke. They're not even kids anymore, they're just buddies on a rafting trip. It's THE OFFICE meets JURASSIC PARK!! Brilliant. I'll take three tickets. What? The theater's sold out? That's okay, i'll stand, it makes it easier to fuck me in the ass.
Anyway, please allow me the indulgence of this unjustly negative piece. I really only did it because the title hit me, and well...i'm not modest enough to walk away from a $5000 title when it comes along.
Like Hollywood, it seems i have no shame.

*Arbiter Of All Things Goodly And Fine
(postscript: I hate it when i'm right. STAR TREK was painfully bad, and LAND OF THE LOST may have been worse.)