covidesolation

How am i holding up under quarantine? Inshelteration, shall we say?

Cracks are starting to show.

I live alone in a pandemic. Not literally true, but true enough, as i have almost no contact with my housemates that could be described as humyn. An overstatement, perhaps...but i haven't touched another humyn for the better part of a year.

At first, i observed that things weren't so very different from normal life in this culture of alienation, in which i hadn't had sex or serious cuddling in two years. The main difference was psychological - feeling cut off from possibility was a punishing weight. Where there's life, there's hope, but that was suddenly in short supply.

At least in the old days, i got the occasional hug. Has it affected my health deleteriously, to be without even that? Maybe.

My energy was fine for many months. My creativity was bursting, as i tore through projects i'd put off. It was, however, easy to grow weary of online calls and events. The two-dimensionality almost made me feel worse, not better. To say nothing of seeing others with loved ones (or at least tolerated ones).

How often have my thoughts turned to the holocaust of irreparable trauma in our culture's prison system, where we casually inflict far worse on millions of humyns every single day?

After a few months, the insomnia i'd had touches of in recent years, returned. It came and went, for weeks at a time. Yesterday was the worst, as my after-lunch nap stretched to two hours, and once i awoke couldn't recover from fuzzy-headed inertia. It was the first time i've ever been almost incapable of motivating myself to do my daily music practice. I pushed myself outside and ran. It didn't help.

I've been able to observe my own impatience with others. There's an edge, a curtness that i don't seem quite able to control. It's slight enough that perhaps no one's noticed...but it's there.

Have i embraced escapist behavior? Not as obviously as for many, but yes. I haven't added new behaviors, nor relapsed into sweet sugar surrender, but...there's been the occasional salt/fat chip indulgence in the middle of the night.

My indulgence in movies and shows has increased a bit. An extra episode at the end of the day...maybe two, on insomniacal nights.

My strongest escapist response has been the hunting behavior that came to life when retail stores re-opened. I've spent a few hundred dollars chasing CDs.

Am i sliding into depression? It's hard to say...my fuzzy-headed inertia would certainly be a by-product of insomnia, but it's probably foolish to think that's the whole reason (or that insomnia and depression can be separated cleanly).

I need to get some genuine humyn contact, some love and physical intimacy, into my bubble. If i can't, i'm flirting with significant health degradation. Ghost headaches, a sickened response to stress...these are my occasional companions already.

Calling the universe...

Calling the universe...

Help?

And the crickets chirp...

head-in collisions

Desensitized sandhead savants roaming 'round

never quite sure just what they've found

Breeding and greeding, a world to smother

Stumbling onto this, that, and the other

Fingers making alchemistic miracles

Hornswoggling, mind-boggling engineeracles

Never seeing the storms that gather

On they bluster, on they blather

Never seeing the ground giving way

Pausing only to fuck or pray

Oblivious to the burning ocean

Brandishing deodorizing lotion

Those few who ungum their eyes

succumb to insanity with suicidal cries

"Jingle Bells"

 A YouTube song collage my friend veronica put together...i've never met most of these musicians, yet we recorded a song "together". My original contribution was something i called "Single-Cell Paramecium", but she told me that was "too silly", so i re-recorded something closer to the conventional version (which wasn't easy, as i wasn't fond of the casual enslavement of horses in the original). Fortunately, they used the verse i re-wrote which removed all that. The final result is perhaps too long (a more crackerjack edit might be half that length), but there is honest charm in the clumsier parts. Peace on Earth, and goodwill to all...creatures.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcUZG7JQXTE&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR0bzAQ6Ox6ORjITejc0jqyE5xbCvBlcfeT69-e355DM6EoQVnUIpPXgguE

love hurricane

We spend our lives soaring
Protected above the clouds
Dreaming of mindless merriment
in unconditional crowds
Craving connection and comfort
Those casualties of current climes
Disconnected from others and ourselves
in these post-agricultural times
And then we see LOVE!
A dream far below
We speed earthward to rest
from this celestial blow
We fall into some patch of calm
and are gobsmacked by beauty!
Nobler notions engulf us
Devotion, sacrifice, duty
But just when we drop our guard
the storm hurls us up to the sky
Finally we see that modern love
exists only in a hurricane eye
We have to keep running, keep dancing
Knowing joy, but never ever peace
Modern love is a moving target
and its chase can never cease

OkCupid Leftovers 2

And.....after half a pandemic year on OKC, i've met exactly NO one. I've had maybe fifteen chat partners, and one non-sparking video chat. This activity void is partly because i get so little attention (i had one week where i got multiple new chat partners, but many more weeks when i got none). Partly it's because, counter-intuitively (given my desperate loneliness), i'm still picky. I rejected one poly offer and one charming offer of ongoing no-strings sex, in both cases because i was worried that my emotional needs wouldn't be met.

I also expanded my search parameters beyond monogamy, risking instant censure by mannnny wimyn. I answer profiles i know i shouldn't, just because i'm so alone it hurts. I try to convince myself that my intuition is fallible, so i cast a wider net (a dating strategy that's brought disastrous results in the past). I find my willpower assailed, the more these months drag on...answering profiles from drinkers or single moms or the questionably-intelligent...

And i continue to edit and evolve my profile (see updates below)! The one rant i've resisted is over the ungodly number who dance around the question "Most Private Thing I'm Willing to Admit". Any OKC member can just skip that question, yet so many wimyn go out of their way to answer by refusal-to-answer. Blunt answers, cute answers, insipid answers...SKIP the question, fine, but why DECLAIM your inability to answer? Like neurotic tweakers with Tourette's.

The one thing that amazes me a bit is that no one has told me how funny or fascinating they find my profile. Even those who have written, have barely given evidence they've read my words at all. Whatever else my profile may be...it's not boring. Opinionated, funny, perhaps elegant, possibly brilliant...but not boring.

MY SELF-SUMMARY

Love without fear or negotiation...anybody? Wildflower trying to fix the world. Ukulele blues comedian, pacifist, nudist, goddess-worshipping atheist. Part leader, part loner, part-time nerd. I cry...not often enough. Massage/cuddle-bug. I don't believe in jealousy (though i'll do monogamy). Clubs, bars, and dress codes suck, bonfire drums rule! My response to a world of poverty and oppression is to live as freely as possible, possessing only what i need. How deep can you go? How effortless do you need? No expectations, no limits. Merriment is paramount - irony, gallows, pillow fights. To cry, or laugh 'til you pee, go to the YouTube channel "wrob's naked meadow" (covid caveat: i haven't felt humyn touch since March...off-balance and raw...a pavlovian wreck).

MY STYLE CAN BE DESCRIBED AS

Nonexistent? Calamitous? Subsumed by substance? Fannypacktastic? I can be the most colorful person in the room, or disappear in plain sight so others might shine.

I VALUE

Radical forgiveness, honesty, and self-acceptance.

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I'M WILLING TO ADMIT

Secrets? Never. How about mild depression from lowering my emotional walls too far, and carrying the weight of the world? Small talk makes me shrivel. If you coax me to a party, i usually end up with the kids, pets, or climbing a tree. Sexual profile - slow penetrations of an hour or more. DDF, non-kinky (if you must be spanked, i'll learn to love it...oh WOW, will i learn to love it - i'm very giving like that).

WHAT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR

Someone who laughs at themself. No co-dependence. Low-maintenance! No makeup, heels, or shaving? Yes please. Automatic baby privileges for anyone with a higher cumulative IQ/EQ...or real afro.

THE MOST EXCITING PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN

China - but why do so many SF-OKC wimyn identify travel as one of the most essential things about them? Unending photos abroad...the insidious aroma of entitlement? Yes, travel can be stunning and transformative. But in a world of obscene poverty, to proudly advertise having more than you need, feels a bit soulless. Show your spirit, not your passport.

ARTISTS I'D PUT ON MY PLAYLIST

Miles, cassandra wilson, jaco, joni, ani...hey, you're still here! If you don't fill empty spaces with words you'll love me. Polyamory note - i never have, and maybe never will. Philosophically, i agree...jealous possessiveness destabilizes personal bonds and poisons the Earth (if you don't see the parallels between monogamy and capitalism, you're not paying attention). In practice, i may never find a polyamorous situation that meets my needs for deepest emotional connection, but...poly wimyn are on average six IQ points smarter than their monogamous sisters, and i'm too sapiosexual to cut myself off from that (okay, i made that stat up, but does anyone doubt it's true?).