Dear r,
When we were young, i constantly invalidated your feelings. And now, having spent the past twenty years trying to reclaim the emotional life that was stolen from me as a child by this macho, fear-based culture of alienation, i realize that the deepest emotional resonance i ever suppressed was my love for you.
Now you ask me to erase that.
Trying to do so, gives birth to another new feeling - tasting death. After struggling so long to uncover my truth, the thought of returning to the emotional neuter i once was is exquisitely painful.
But ironically, your request makes me even MORE capable of being the man you've always needed. To now feel raw invalidation from you, the person for whom i am most vulnerable*, makes me understand in a non-abstract way how my behavior affected you...and that shame may never wash away. But it also means that no one in this world will ever protect you as relentlessly.
Your position is understandable. You choose the safe and second-rate, rather than risk your heart on me, a proven idiot. One of the thousand ironies in our relationship is that if i hadn't helped make you more cynical and fearful, we'd already be together.
To own these feelings i've spent a lifetime suppressing, is overwhelming. To realize what would happen if i let myself love you...how i would be transformed, when no experience has EVER transformed me...
To see the glimmers of how self-possessed YOU would become, if nourished by the love you've always needed...
To know how jarring it will be for you to finally meet me with my emotions open...
I spent our youth waiting for you to figure us out. It wasn't YOU who was confused, it was me.
If you let our hearts touch again, you will feel safer than you've ever imagined feeling. You will know that i'll be whatever you need. Loving you will be at the center of my life.
Your light, joyful side will become dominant in your personality (or maybe that part of you is already more ascendant than i realize, as our interactions have always furrowed your brow).
Perhaps the reason you never threw me away in all those years of my neglect, was because you knew that whatever my failings, i always heard every word you said. So these are not (merely) the rantings of a lunatic. I KNOW the kind of love you need, to become the person your life has stolen from you. I've spent a lifetime studying you...and i'm coming. Let our hearts touch once more, and you won't be able to imagine life without my arms around you.
Or we can both go on pretending we might find that in someone else.
I could live with the thought that i'll never have the great love of my life. The thought that YOU might not, is the pill that won't go down.
love,
wrob
*When you judged my life harshly this year because i might not have a real bed, that hurt. Even though your moral compass may not have been functioning when you spoke those words, i still hurt.
P.S. You're not insane for closing your heart...there are reasons why i'm emotionally suspect. I'm drowning in feelings...plus the anguish of being this old without finding deepest love...how many virile years are left? Has this made me reckless? Is there also a level that has nothing to do with YOU, just my fascination at speaking these words, and FEELING them? Knowing that if i don't speak them to you, i'll probably never speak them to anyone? But my relentless self-awareness could become one of the greatest gifts in your life, as we strive to reach the heart of both our damaged spirits. And sure, part of my rational brain LOVES that you're keeping us apart. A part of my brain wants to hold on to the quixotic, lone wolf ME. A part of me doesn't want to be transformed by love, and learn compromise. Shall i be the first person in the world to voluntarily move to Cleveland? But let me in once, and you'll never keep me away.
P.P.S. A year ago, i finally understood how much i've thrown away. Perhaps that's how it had to be, because never before could i have held you and been 100% present. I know the stakes, and that you've now erased a year of our loving. Hundreds of times we would have had the best sex of our lives! You were patient with my idiocy for so many years, but i can't return the favor.
P.P.P.S. As fortune would have it, we might never find someone more perfectly matched to each other's sexual rhythms and preferences. The one compromise i would make, would be no sacrifice at all. Instead of always extending orgasmless sex for an hour or two, i would respond to any impending orgasm on your part with pulsing to push you over the top. I'd probably lose control, which means that simultaneous orgasms would be commonplace for us. I already know, when i strip away my bullshit, that the one time i held you while you came, was the most beautiful moment of my life. So i can't even wrap my head around what it will feel like to experience that, while inside you. We will never touch such desperate joy - you've already admitted as much. You're afraid that my love wouldn't endure, or that i would stray, but if you recapture the vulnerability of our first night, you will find in me a love more unconditional and devoted than anything you've ever imagined.
P.P.P.S. I think deep down you understand how deeply you would fall for me, given the chance. That has to be frightful, given my record. I erased our first fifteen years, because of my idiocy. Now it's on you to not erase the rest of our lives, because of your sensibility.
P.P.P.P.S. When you pointed me in this direction a year ago, you must have never imagined i'd actually go there...
P.P.P.P.P.S. All of this feels like i'm being tested...if i agree for even one second that it's okay for us to not be together, i'll lose my grasp on my spirit, which i've spent a lifetime struggling to free.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I think about the role coincidence can play in our lives. If i hadn't walked into that Port Authority pharmacy, when we'd been out of touch so long that i had no idea you were living in NYC...would we have drifted apart forever? On the other end, happenstances that DON'T happen...if your Branson show hadn't shuttered, and i'd delivered your three-day booty call, would that moment have been transformative enough for us to be together always? I suspect yes. I want to believe the act of physically loving you would have shattered my remaining denials and fears. But now, i live everyday with the crucifying awareness that i held you so many times, and never for one second took you seriously. I think deep down you realize that with me, you might find your true fearlessness too. In this world, that prospect could terrify anyone.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Isn't it fascinating that i ran away from you all my life, and you never stopped wanting me...but the moment i ran to you, you DIDN'T want me? In the time of our reconnection since your divorce, you have (as always) pushed us toward each other. And now here we are - i'm going exactly where you pointed me this past year, and boom - you turn and run. If it weren't tragic, it would be hysterical. If you're ever tempted to beat yourself up for hiding when the great love of your life came calling...resist the urge. We do the best we can. Most of the time that amounts to crap.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Here are the songs i've written for you this past year. Audiences loved the first, but it's the third that feels best...i got away from the confessional style to the story song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuYIN2G0op0
(a second song, "Strong and Beautiful", didn't feel strong enough to video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afLJEjk6PPI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4GH8vuLnRg
