Who here remembers the best hug of your life?
If you have to think about it, don't bother - you haven't had it. I would say "yet", but that presumes that everyone will have a best hug of their life. As counter-intuitive as this sounds, i don't think that's true. I think a "greatest hug ever" is a combination of so many factors, few of which are easy to measure or track, that a good many people will live their entire lives without ever having one.
There are also some people who will experience two or more. There's nothing fair about that.
My first greatest hug came in college. I was smitten with a vivacious sprite named laura. In my own gentle way, i chased her for a year or two. I gave her attention and affirmation. We got along well, and i became a regular visitor at her dorm. Despite one or two moments of seeming possibility, we never did connect in love. Sometimes when i would stop by her room, she would be out, so i would chat with her roommate, who i think was amused by my pathetic forlornness...and we shared ever longer visits, as the months went by. She wrote sonnets, and had a brimming heart, despite having lived through some horrible darkness. Of course i had eyes only for laura, so i didn't think anything of it when this roommate started to give me very sweet goodbye hugs. These hugs grew longer and longer, and began to feel like being bathed in a half-drunk warmth. Finally one day, we held a hug for around twenty minutes. I even got a classic henry miller erection (a piece of lead with wings). Yet even then, i couldn't see what was in front of me! Was it just an overblown sense of loyalty to a woman who had never wanted me? Maybe it's just that i used to be a little slow. Too slow, as it turned out. Some family emergency forced her to drop out of college - i found out second-hand. We'd never exchanged phone numbers, and when i tried to look her up years later, i'd forgotten her last name.
The second greatest hug of my life (not second-greatest, but second greatest) came when i was working as a mascot for a peanut butter company. I was a baby monkey. We had a booth every year at the New York Chocolate Show. I would wander alone in costume all over the convention center leaving a trail of amazed and delighted kids and adults (particularly asian wimyn - i have no idea what was going on with that, but it was nice). One day, a vendor from another company left her booth to hug me. It was obvious she was a little sad, and then the most amazing thing happened. Through about seven layers of costume, i could feel her heart beating against mine. It was possibly the most startling feeling i've ever felt. She cried out "Omigosh, i can feel his heartbeat!" We let that monkey hug last as long as we could (stay with me...this isn't even the hug yet). It was the last day of the show, and when i finally got out of costume, she was gone. I spent a year hoping she would be there again...and she was! When i introduced myself out of costume, she knew who i was before i said it, and we started sharing out-of-costume hugs. On the last day of the show, the costume put away, we came together in the aisle near my booth. Even though this hug was probably only ten minutes, that drunken feeling may have been even more acute than the first time. She said it was like melting into the floor.
Over the following months, it became apparent that we had profoundly different core values. She was a born-again, with strong opinions concerning romantic possessiveness. I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, and too my credit (or not), i told her i would meet her halfway. I clearly wasn't going to start praying to any invisible rabbits, or whatever it is, but i told her i would marry her if that's what it took for her to feel comfortable with being held by me every day. Hormone-induced temporary insanity? Did her ability to walk away, keep me from the worst decision of my life? I don't know. I just knew what it felt like to have that feeling, and then lose it. Call it wisdom or stupidity (it's probably both), but i'd vowed to never let my ego get in the way of keeping that feeling, if i ever found it again.
And now, foolish me, in a new city, i shamelessly, greedily hope that the lightning strike of hug perfection will find me yet again.
If it comes, i hope i won't have to sell my soul to keep it. But given the semi-insanity of loneliness and alienation that comes with living in this society, i wouldn't put anything stupid past me.
Next week's question - do you remember the greatest sex of your life?
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Thursday, January 25, 2018
maynard ferguson
1928-2006
How important is race as a consideration, in our attitudes toward jazz?
I suppose one can't complain too loudly that reverse-racism may be a factor in what our culture chooses to celebrate in this uniquely american music form.
I'm just saying, if maynard had been black, do you think he wouldn't have eclipsed louis armstrong as the second-most celebrated trumpeter ever? Did anyone ever play with more range, power, and accuracy? In interpretive expression, he took a back seat to miles and maybe a few others...but his delicate pieces could be as moving as his barn-burners, and his swing was nonpareil.
If you're going to sustain popular excellence over half a century, surviving both the end of the musical style that spawned you and the ascendancy of rock, you're going to open yourself to all sorts of non-purist charges...but that's also a by-product of earnest musical exploration. He incorporated fusion, bebop, indian, latin, operatic, and more. His nay-sayers weren't shy (showboat, sellout, plus being single-handedly responsible for the death of disco, with "Battlestar Galactica" - oh wait, that's MY complaint), but his dedication, virtuosity, and enthusiasm put any pretender to shame. He recorded on nine instruments, including two he designed himself, with valves played by the left hand(!). Listen to "Gospel John", and tell me there was ever a musician who owned their instrument more.
Here then, maynard's greatest albums, and a dream set list. Is my knowledge comprehensive? No, particularly with his early work, some of which is out of print. Is my knowledge hopelessly subjective? Probably. But i've done my due diligence, and here's what rose to the top.
I should add that his brilliance, like almost all music, was a group effort. In particular, i call maynard an object lesson in the crucial role the arranger plays. He was never more incandescent than when jay chattaway did his charts.
So let that music swing and soar. Let it roar!
ALIVE AND WELL IN LONDON (1971)
His first full dive into fusion is blistering. "Fire and Rain", "Aquarius", "My Sweet Lord", "Bridge Over Troubled Water", and "Your Song" burn. The standout track is the lone original, the mesmerizing "The Serpent".
CHAMELEON (1974)
Even with some forgettable tracks, "Gospel John", "La Fiesta", "Superbone Meets the Bad Man", "The Way We Were", "I Can't Get Started", "Livin' for the City", and the title track are so pure and perfect that i'll use a word i've never written before - eargasm.
CONQUISTADOR (1977)
Maynard's most flawless album was also the first big band album to crack the pop charts since big band died. A #1 jazz album, with a pop hit and a Grammy nomination. The standout is the title track, written by maynard. "Mr. Mellow", with george benson on guitar, is also transcendent. Plus a fun Star Trek confluence, with a recording of the classic theme arranged by chattaway, who wrote music for all four Trek sequels.
BIG BOP NOUVEAU (1990)
After all the hoopla, maynard returned to a big band format. He'd made his mark, now he just made music he loved. This album would give that band a name. No clunkers, no standouts (except perhaps the hits medley), just a swinging sonic shower.
DREAM SET LIST
Chameleon
Conquistador
La Fiesta
M.F. Carnival
Primal Scream
'Round Midnight
Star Trek
Om Sai Ram
Give It One
The Way We Were
Fire and Rain
Mr. Mellow
The Serpent
It's My Time
Symphony no. 2 in C - Titans
Gonna Fly Now
Ole'
Superbone Meets the Bad Man
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Gospel John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk42EEyAGSw
How important is race as a consideration, in our attitudes toward jazz?
I suppose one can't complain too loudly that reverse-racism may be a factor in what our culture chooses to celebrate in this uniquely american music form.
I'm just saying, if maynard had been black, do you think he wouldn't have eclipsed louis armstrong as the second-most celebrated trumpeter ever? Did anyone ever play with more range, power, and accuracy? In interpretive expression, he took a back seat to miles and maybe a few others...but his delicate pieces could be as moving as his barn-burners, and his swing was nonpareil.
If you're going to sustain popular excellence over half a century, surviving both the end of the musical style that spawned you and the ascendancy of rock, you're going to open yourself to all sorts of non-purist charges...but that's also a by-product of earnest musical exploration. He incorporated fusion, bebop, indian, latin, operatic, and more. His nay-sayers weren't shy (showboat, sellout, plus being single-handedly responsible for the death of disco, with "Battlestar Galactica" - oh wait, that's MY complaint), but his dedication, virtuosity, and enthusiasm put any pretender to shame. He recorded on nine instruments, including two he designed himself, with valves played by the left hand(!). Listen to "Gospel John", and tell me there was ever a musician who owned their instrument more.
Here then, maynard's greatest albums, and a dream set list. Is my knowledge comprehensive? No, particularly with his early work, some of which is out of print. Is my knowledge hopelessly subjective? Probably. But i've done my due diligence, and here's what rose to the top.
I should add that his brilliance, like almost all music, was a group effort. In particular, i call maynard an object lesson in the crucial role the arranger plays. He was never more incandescent than when jay chattaway did his charts.
So let that music swing and soar. Let it roar!
ALIVE AND WELL IN LONDON (1971)
His first full dive into fusion is blistering. "Fire and Rain", "Aquarius", "My Sweet Lord", "Bridge Over Troubled Water", and "Your Song" burn. The standout track is the lone original, the mesmerizing "The Serpent".
CHAMELEON (1974)
Even with some forgettable tracks, "Gospel John", "La Fiesta", "Superbone Meets the Bad Man", "The Way We Were", "I Can't Get Started", "Livin' for the City", and the title track are so pure and perfect that i'll use a word i've never written before - eargasm.
CONQUISTADOR (1977)
Maynard's most flawless album was also the first big band album to crack the pop charts since big band died. A #1 jazz album, with a pop hit and a Grammy nomination. The standout is the title track, written by maynard. "Mr. Mellow", with george benson on guitar, is also transcendent. Plus a fun Star Trek confluence, with a recording of the classic theme arranged by chattaway, who wrote music for all four Trek sequels.
BIG BOP NOUVEAU (1990)
After all the hoopla, maynard returned to a big band format. He'd made his mark, now he just made music he loved. This album would give that band a name. No clunkers, no standouts (except perhaps the hits medley), just a swinging sonic shower.
DREAM SET LIST
Chameleon
Conquistador
La Fiesta
M.F. Carnival
Primal Scream
'Round Midnight
Star Trek
Om Sai Ram
Give It One
The Way We Were
Fire and Rain
Mr. Mellow
The Serpent
It's My Time
Symphony no. 2 in C - Titans
Gonna Fly Now
Ole'
Superbone Meets the Bad Man
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Gospel John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk42EEyAGSw
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
is it you?
I'm looking for a womyn!
I've been seeking her most of my life.
Though not necessarily, i should add, one single womyn. If two bisexual wimyn want to make me part of their tribe, or a straight couple need a second husband, or anything involving triplets...dandy!
But in my fantasies, all those lonely nights of my life, it's not threesomes or orgies to which my longings have turned. It's one womyn*. The greatest lover of my life. As i am to her.
Is it you?
In terms of wisdom, empathy, and sexual skill, i've been ready for over a decade. Yet of course i must add, that in this alienated world almost no one is capable of truly loving someone else; we're all too crippled in self-love. Those few who rise above their damage, face daunting odds when hoping for an equal with whom one has both compatibility and chemistry. It's rare to find one of those things. If you find two, you might have a friend for life. But three?
So mine is a fool's errand.
Yet if i knew how to stop longing, i wouldn't.
There have been poignant "almosts". There was meggie, when i was young, earnest, sexually clueless, and walled-off emotionally. Through a stroke of chemistry and compatibility, we shared loving so wonderful she still may look back on it as the best of her life. I do.
There was ann, with whom i had the most amazing sex of my life. Slow, gentle penetrations that transcended space and time. No oral, no variation in position...and it was stunning. Our emotional/intellectual spark was nice. I never wanted it to end, but jealousy and Disney did us in.
There was vanessa, for whom i felt all-consuming desire, but we couldn't navigate past our (okay, her) baggage. We never shared penetration, but i loved her body in ways she'd never experienced or imagined.
Two wimyn over thirty have told me i was the best lover of their life (if you're under thirty, such declarations probably have no meaning). The thought of never experiencing what it is for that feeling to be mutual, makes my heart literally hurt.
So i search, for she who embodies all those threads. I keep thinking she's out there, and when i find her i'll be able to navigate past her minefields of ego and expectation, past the holes in her spirit she's trying to fill...or maybe she'll have self-actualized past all that herself, and we'll skip right to the best loving of our lives, with no limits.
Is it you?
How would you know?
Are there particulars?
Not necessarily.
If she wants to live together, great.
Separately is fine, too.
If she's polyamorous, great.
If she wants monogamy...for the right womyn, i'm in.
Age, pigmentation, and socio-economic concerns are nonsense. Some minimum measure of intelligence or education is inescapable (probably). It's hard to imagine her lacking in humor (but not impossible). Emotionally wide open (or ready to be). Irreverent, analytical, athletic, natural, allergic to secrets...are negotiable. Poet? Learner? Healer? Wild womyn?
Mostly though, just...spark! Cultivate me, complement me, confound me (preferably all at the same time, from the reverse cowgrrrl position).
Babies? Rationally, that could be the worst choice in terms of my creativity (to say nothing of, y'know, sleep). Yet for the past few years, impregnation fantasies have consumed me (we could deconstruct the reasons, mostly ever-accumulating loneliness and a touch of mortality). Also, on a deeper level, the kind of loving i'm ready for has no walls - no fear, no self-consciousness, no barrier...no "NO". Just fucking, as two innocents in the meadow. Perhaps when one does this right, in tune with our bodies, physical contraception isn't even necessary.
Yet on a primal level, the thought of never impregnating a womyn, and sharing that experience...her heightened sexuality during pregnancy, that labor-inducing penetration on her big day, holding and loving a new humyn...i want everything in life! And that's not ego talking. Would a womyn who wants no part of that, make more sense for my path? Probably.
In all of this, is there a certain extent to which i'm just playing chicken with the world, forever trapped in the ether of my demons and dreams? Sure. There's a curious thing about self-actualization in a dysfunctional world...in small doses it's wonderful, making one more centered, self-loving, and able to care for others. Yet beyond a certain point it's problematic - as one becomes more functional, one becomes less relateable to those who are "normal". I'm not saying that my actions and intentions are less reliable than most people's...i'm sure the opposite is still true. But the more clearly you see the games we play, the less likely you are to cling to a corrupted normality.
Put another way, i'm as sane as most people - more, no doubt. But the very definition of "sane" is nonsensical, if the average person is more insane than we (or they) realize. Also, if you open your emotional walls too far, you can succumb to the inhumanity and insanity most people simply deny or rationalize away.
Any womyn still reading?
Congratulations, you're about to enter a loving relationship so deep and healing, people will either hate you or think you capable of saving the planet.
They might be right.
And please...let's not forget that other-worldly sex.
*I'm not saying i've always fantasized about some womyn i've never met...such a disconnect from immediacy isn't my style. My self-love fantasies, rather, are always just one womyn - those breathing possibilities who happen to be in my life at the time.
I've been seeking her most of my life.
Though not necessarily, i should add, one single womyn. If two bisexual wimyn want to make me part of their tribe, or a straight couple need a second husband, or anything involving triplets...dandy!
But in my fantasies, all those lonely nights of my life, it's not threesomes or orgies to which my longings have turned. It's one womyn*. The greatest lover of my life. As i am to her.
Is it you?
In terms of wisdom, empathy, and sexual skill, i've been ready for over a decade. Yet of course i must add, that in this alienated world almost no one is capable of truly loving someone else; we're all too crippled in self-love. Those few who rise above their damage, face daunting odds when hoping for an equal with whom one has both compatibility and chemistry. It's rare to find one of those things. If you find two, you might have a friend for life. But three?
So mine is a fool's errand.
Yet if i knew how to stop longing, i wouldn't.
There have been poignant "almosts". There was meggie, when i was young, earnest, sexually clueless, and walled-off emotionally. Through a stroke of chemistry and compatibility, we shared loving so wonderful she still may look back on it as the best of her life. I do.
There was ann, with whom i had the most amazing sex of my life. Slow, gentle penetrations that transcended space and time. No oral, no variation in position...and it was stunning. Our emotional/intellectual spark was nice. I never wanted it to end, but jealousy and Disney did us in.
There was vanessa, for whom i felt all-consuming desire, but we couldn't navigate past our (okay, her) baggage. We never shared penetration, but i loved her body in ways she'd never experienced or imagined.
Two wimyn over thirty have told me i was the best lover of their life (if you're under thirty, such declarations probably have no meaning). The thought of never experiencing what it is for that feeling to be mutual, makes my heart literally hurt.
So i search, for she who embodies all those threads. I keep thinking she's out there, and when i find her i'll be able to navigate past her minefields of ego and expectation, past the holes in her spirit she's trying to fill...or maybe she'll have self-actualized past all that herself, and we'll skip right to the best loving of our lives, with no limits.
Is it you?
How would you know?
Are there particulars?
Not necessarily.
If she wants to live together, great.
Separately is fine, too.
If she's polyamorous, great.
If she wants monogamy...for the right womyn, i'm in.
Age, pigmentation, and socio-economic concerns are nonsense. Some minimum measure of intelligence or education is inescapable (probably). It's hard to imagine her lacking in humor (but not impossible). Emotionally wide open (or ready to be). Irreverent, analytical, athletic, natural, allergic to secrets...are negotiable. Poet? Learner? Healer? Wild womyn?
Mostly though, just...spark! Cultivate me, complement me, confound me (preferably all at the same time, from the reverse cowgrrrl position).
Babies? Rationally, that could be the worst choice in terms of my creativity (to say nothing of, y'know, sleep). Yet for the past few years, impregnation fantasies have consumed me (we could deconstruct the reasons, mostly ever-accumulating loneliness and a touch of mortality). Also, on a deeper level, the kind of loving i'm ready for has no walls - no fear, no self-consciousness, no barrier...no "NO". Just fucking, as two innocents in the meadow. Perhaps when one does this right, in tune with our bodies, physical contraception isn't even necessary.
Yet on a primal level, the thought of never impregnating a womyn, and sharing that experience...her heightened sexuality during pregnancy, that labor-inducing penetration on her big day, holding and loving a new humyn...i want everything in life! And that's not ego talking. Would a womyn who wants no part of that, make more sense for my path? Probably.
In all of this, is there a certain extent to which i'm just playing chicken with the world, forever trapped in the ether of my demons and dreams? Sure. There's a curious thing about self-actualization in a dysfunctional world...in small doses it's wonderful, making one more centered, self-loving, and able to care for others. Yet beyond a certain point it's problematic - as one becomes more functional, one becomes less relateable to those who are "normal". I'm not saying that my actions and intentions are less reliable than most people's...i'm sure the opposite is still true. But the more clearly you see the games we play, the less likely you are to cling to a corrupted normality.
Put another way, i'm as sane as most people - more, no doubt. But the very definition of "sane" is nonsensical, if the average person is more insane than we (or they) realize. Also, if you open your emotional walls too far, you can succumb to the inhumanity and insanity most people simply deny or rationalize away.
Any womyn still reading?
Congratulations, you're about to enter a loving relationship so deep and healing, people will either hate you or think you capable of saving the planet.
They might be right.
And please...let's not forget that other-worldly sex.
*I'm not saying i've always fantasized about some womyn i've never met...such a disconnect from immediacy isn't my style. My self-love fantasies, rather, are always just one womyn - those breathing possibilities who happen to be in my life at the time.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
naked nurse 15
SOOTHING OUR SOCIAL/SEXUAL/SPIRITUAL STRIFE
Dear naked nurse,
What's the deal with horror movies?? I'm not talking "The Exorcist", i'm talking slasher pics. There's a million of them, with a million sequels each! I tried to get through one, for my boyfriend's sake. It was horrifying, and not for the reasons they intended! Who's watching these things (aside from my soon-to-be ex?)???
-alarmed in Alameda
Dear alarmed,
There are two main realities. The first is desensitization reinforcement. Living in this culture requires that we socialize many natural feelings out of our children, in order to prepare them for the fear and loneliness and violence that permeates this world. In order to make those things feel "normal", we have to stunt our children's natural empathy. Even though we've succeeded in this beyond anybody's wildest nightmare, humanity has a way of forever trying to re-manifest, so slasher films are a form of dehumanization reinforcement. If we can watch a fake beheading or disembowelment and not be affected, then we'll certainly be able to stand by while those around us descend into depressions or addictions or aggressions against others (or themselves).
Secondly, horror films are a substitute for our own fears and traumas, but one which we can completely control (this is where slasher and horror perform the same social function). We know when the film starts that WE won't be killed, and that even if the monsters get away with unending murder, there will always be at least one plucky survivor (who is a proxy for us, the viewer). Horror films tap into our subconscious need to survive this brutal, unfeeling real world in which we all live.
I understand your desire to flee your slasher-loving lover. That's a sane response. But try to remember how much subconscious pain they're in. These films are their coping device.
watching "My Dinner with Andre",
the naked nurse
Send queries to nakednursing@yahoo.com!
Dear naked nurse,
What's the deal with horror movies?? I'm not talking "The Exorcist", i'm talking slasher pics. There's a million of them, with a million sequels each! I tried to get through one, for my boyfriend's sake. It was horrifying, and not for the reasons they intended! Who's watching these things (aside from my soon-to-be ex?)???
-alarmed in Alameda
Dear alarmed,
There are two main realities. The first is desensitization reinforcement. Living in this culture requires that we socialize many natural feelings out of our children, in order to prepare them for the fear and loneliness and violence that permeates this world. In order to make those things feel "normal", we have to stunt our children's natural empathy. Even though we've succeeded in this beyond anybody's wildest nightmare, humanity has a way of forever trying to re-manifest, so slasher films are a form of dehumanization reinforcement. If we can watch a fake beheading or disembowelment and not be affected, then we'll certainly be able to stand by while those around us descend into depressions or addictions or aggressions against others (or themselves).
Secondly, horror films are a substitute for our own fears and traumas, but one which we can completely control (this is where slasher and horror perform the same social function). We know when the film starts that WE won't be killed, and that even if the monsters get away with unending murder, there will always be at least one plucky survivor (who is a proxy for us, the viewer). Horror films tap into our subconscious need to survive this brutal, unfeeling real world in which we all live.
I understand your desire to flee your slasher-loving lover. That's a sane response. But try to remember how much subconscious pain they're in. These films are their coping device.
watching "My Dinner with Andre",
the naked nurse
Send queries to nakednursing@yahoo.com!
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