Monday, June 29, 2009

Arsenic and Old Lace

THEATER 8
-fall 1985
I had crossed a threshold, and it was time for a decision. It was easy to make. Before my senior year, i told my band director i was dropping out, to be in the plays and choirs. He tried to talk me out of it, and my longtime bandmates couldn't fathom my decision. I had invested five years, and been a member of the marching band for three. Our band was 240 strong, and that year we would perform in the Rose Bowl parade. But without hesitation, i knew my trumpeting was over. The school announced auditions for ARSENIC AND OLD LACE, a 1930's comedy about three dysfunctional brothers, and their sweet aunts who bury poisoned travelers in the basement. In the first non-musical audition of my life, i snagged the role of Jonathan, the long-lost, sadistic, murderous brother who resembled Boris Karloff, due to a botched face job. The director was Mr. Roach, a zany, talented, wonderful guy. I didn't know most of the cast. Junior Doug Schoener played my lackey, Dr. Einstein. We became good friends. Later that year, he gave me a poetic riddle which ended our friendship. I never solved it, because i suspected the answer was that he was attracted to me. Elaine Kalpin, a senior i'd known for a few years, was one of the aunts. Later that year, i eye-openingly found out she might have been interested in me. But for timing, she could have been the first meaningful romance of my life. The romantic female lead was a nice junior with a photographic memory, a recent transfer with serious acting intentions. My other good friend was junior Mark Russell, younger brother of Doug (Beau from MAME), and twin of Cindy (my first kiss). He played a doomed traveler, and had been in the chorus of JOSEPH (my only fellow Youth Clubber in the cast). Likable senior Bill Mulvey played the over-talkative cop/playwright, and assistant directed. The romantic lead brother was played by a nice junior named Bob, who had a hitch in his giddyup. He was passable, but i sometimes wondered what i could have done with his role. The third brother, who believed he was Teddy Roosevelt, was talented senior Lou Markert (get used to that name, it'll be around a while). Lou had been doing theater as long as i'd been doing band, and an antipathy began between us, though i had no idea why. I got on real well with most everyone, and was generally looked up to. Fitting in was never in question, partly because the school was only 11th and 12th grade, and that's not a lot of time to establish a pecking order. I think a lot of the juniors, over half the cast, weren't at all aware i'd never done school theater. Our performance was uneven, but we had our moments. I loved my part. One night, Doug decided to toss his hat twelve feet across stage at the hat rack. The fact that it landed and won him applause didn't deter me from scolding him. When it stuck, he said my staying in character was the only thing that kept him from losing it. And i was witness to perhaps the greatest ad-lib i'll ever see. One night, Lou came on, slamming the cellar door. One of his earlier rants was about how the Japanese needed to be kept in their place. Our set was a bit flimsy, and the doorway proceeded to fall around his ears. Without missing a beat, he screamed at the door, "Made in Japan!!", and calmly continued the scene.

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