MST3K!

(Compiling a best-of for MST is like seeking a sailing squirrel in a stupendously subjective sea. The one quantifiable criterion to which i tried to adhere is quality of riffing...but it's so easy to get lost in how agonizingly unwatchable, or wretchedly charming, the source film is.)

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000's GREATEST EPISODES
-WEREWOLF
Arizona archaeologists uncover mysterious skeletal remains...and soon lycanthropes are everywhere! Starring joe estevez and richard lynch. Serial burst-out-loud chuckles are capped by an end-credits music riff that sparks the longest sustained MST-laughter ever.
-RED ZONE CUBA
Mike and the bots are treated to coleman francis' magnum opus, about three drifters who bounce from prison barrack to prison barrack, invading a sovereign nation along the way. A john carradine cameo starts things off with a whimper! Seamless mirth-making (especially of note in the host segments). The badness of RZC is not life-sucking, as you'd be laughing and riffing along, even without prompting. I have an oily cuba zone.
-THIS ISLAND EARTH
Tell the truth...did anyone expect this to stand with MST's best? With no joel, the crew find themselves on unfamiliar ground (onscreen and off), as they try to transplant a seat-of-your-pants cable show into big budget Hollywood. But this 50s sci-fi semi-classic (with russell johnson and bug-eyed, big-brained aliens) is too juicy a target to fail. Ruth!
-HORROR AT PARTY BEACH
On the strength of riffing alone this might only merit honorable mention, but the source material is so bizarrely bad that it's worth watching on its own. This film tries to be a million things: teen beach flick, atomic mutant frightfest, biker film, foster brooks comedy. It utterly fails at all, yet the sum is so much greater (or worse) than the parts. Look Polish?
-CAVE DWELLERS
Just beautifully wretched. The producers commit to a nonsensical, awful concept, and run run run! The mind-numbing flashback exposition is the cinematic equivalent of LSD. But the riffing remains light and loaded. How much o'keefe is in this movie? So many miles.
-MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE
I resisted the hype, but eventually had to agree - the product is bizarro, beyond-the-pale bad, and the riffing above average (even though they commit the offense of making the badness of the movie an in-joke, destabilizing the conceit that they hadn't seen it before). It's hard to appreciate just how awful this film is, if your first experience is the cuddly MST treatment. It's a true cinematic unicorn, a film so appallingly, stunningly strange that you would make your friends watch it, just to see their faces.

MITCHELL

The riffing (like MANOS) dives from great to listless, but mitchell's romancing is just not-to-be-believed, and the saucy skateboarder may be the most hysterically bad moment of cinema ever. Joe don baker is the abe vigoda of joe don bakers (no, i don't know what that means, but it's true).

AGENT FOR H.A.R.M.

Bond wannabe peter mark richman is off to the tricycle races. Ever imagine mr. rogers as a smarmy ass-kicker? Drive!
-SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL
This one makes the cut despite zero charm or weirdness in the source film, a relentlessly formulaic TV movie...yet the riffing falls into a relaxed, laugh-out-loud groove, and never strays.

-I ACCUSE MY PARENTS
The standard against which all riffing is measured? A too-stupid-to-live youth from an alcoholically dysfunctional home progresses from essay contest winner to shoe salesperson to unwitting bag man. He wins the womyn but must go on the lam, where he finds sanctuary with a bible-beating chef. Plus...show tunes! Are joel and the bots happy in their work? It's difficult.

SHORTS
-THE  HOME ECONOMICS STORY, JOHNNY AT THE FAIR, THE TRUCK FARMER, CHEATING, ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE?

HONORABLE MENTION
-SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (MST and Cinematic Titanic), MOON ZERO TWO, THE ATOMIC BRAIN, 12 TO THE MOON, ROCKET ATTACK USA, THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (jaw-dropping, irresistible badness), GIRLS TOWN, IT CONQUERED THE WORLD (greatest awful movie ending ever), THE SHE-CREATURE, SPACE MUTINY, FINAL JUSTICE, STARCRASH (Cinematic Titanic's poke at the most riffable sci fi ever?)

GREATEST POST-CREDITS BUTTON: RADAR SECRET SERVICE

Never Take an Old Man

(irish folk song, with new lyrics)

An old man come courting me, fa la la loodle

An old man come courting me, highderry down
An old man come courting me, said he would care for me
Oh maids when you're young never take an old man

For he has no faloodle fa la la la loodle
He has no faloodle, a diddle a one
He has no faloodle, he's lost his ding-doodle
So maids when you're young never take an old man

We went to the park, fa la la loodle
He said he felt woody, highderry down
He took me behind a tree, there was no wood to see
So maids when you're young never take an old man

Then when we went to bed, fa la la loodle
Then when we went to bed, highderry down
Then when we went to bed, the old thing it lay there dead
Oh maids when you're young never take an old man

So I threw me leg over him, fa la la loodle
I threw me leg over him, highderry down
I threw me leg over him, he said i would smother him
Oh maids when you're young never take an old man

When he went fast asleep, fa la la loodle
When he went fast asleep, highderry down
When he went fast asleep, out of bed i did creep
into the arms of a foolish young man

And i found his faloodle, fa la la la loodle
I found his faloodle, oh highderry down
His fa la la loodle was a quick-shot ding-doodle
So maids of any age, who the hell needs a man

"Who's Naked?"

Proposal: One-Hour Television Drama

This anthology series will have a different story and characters each episode. The writing will be sharp, intelligent, and relevant to real issues of modern life, with far-ranging settings and locales. The vibe will range from feel-good to hard-hitting, grit to comedy, and anything in between.

At some random point during each episode, in the course of normal activity, one character will disrobe, and do the rest of the episode naked. No character will notice or react, and the nudity will be entirely irrelevant to how the story arc resolves. No clues will tip which character will unclothe, and that character will fall anywhere on the humyn spectrum - old, young, striking, nondescript, fit, obese, ugly, beautiful...

The point is to underscore the ridiculousness of nudity taboos. The hope is that it will become "must-see" television, with audiences obsessively predicting which character will disrobe.

The cast may be a rotating ensemble of recurring actors. Or not.

The show will eventually have fun with its own format (i.e. an episode set in a nudist colony, where one character suddenly "robes"). As the show progresses, it may expand to include period episodes.

Thank you for your consideration.

wrob's naked tales

 Announcing the launch of my second YouTube channel - "wrob's naked tales", devoted to stories, essays, and poems.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtAJoE76SR5KkbZGNgW8HAA

pre-existential angst

Don't screw it up, mom
Or we'll never be born!
Don't blow this one, dad
Ain't she sexier than porn?
Don't fuck it up, ma
Don't overanalyze!
Don't bungle this, pa
Keep your eyes 'tween the thighs!
Don't goof it up, mums
Your divinest dicking yet!
Don't drop this one, pops
You're so stiff! She's so wet!
Don't muck it up, mere!
He's not afraid of your worst
Don't dare err, sweet pere!
She's ripe and ready to burst
Don't muff it, mi madre
Cryings, crappings, 4AM feedings
Don't pass by, mi padre
You deserve SO many breedings!
Don't hash it, mummy
A tummy with NO baby?
Don't bumble this, daddy!
We'll give you a tit...maybe
Don't mess it up, 'rents
This ain't about YOU!
Don't flub this one!
We've got our own fucking to do!
Don't botch this, 'rents!!
We're so pukingly adorable
Don't screw it up!!!
This waiting is deplorable...

lucky lou in left

Lucky lou lonaghan was the worst fielder ever
and that was his saving grace
He was so wretched fans came in droves
In the lineup he always had a place
He played for the Beanville Bats, where Bat fans wore lucky lou hats
(that's not bats as in balls and bats but bats as in flyin' rats)
Beanville had a center fielder though, the greatest of 'em all
Screamin' sue biobaku had rocket feet and could leap any wall!
They couldn't put lou in right, that was the home of big tater
Big tater yang had a shotgun arm, but was slower than a busted elevator
He swung big lumber at the plate, then lumbered to the field alas
How that home crowd cringed when tater took to the grass
Together the most entertaining outfield humyn eye had ever seen
It was snack time when Beanville was up, but magic time when they hit the green
At the plate lou played with savvy and skill, but for a swell bunt nobody swoons
No, it was lou's larks in the field that turned quiet folk to howling loons
Every single play a disaster waiting
Batters who hit his way started celebrating
Sue covered more field than a retractable dome
But too far from tater she never could roam
A shallow pop to lou made a batter sing
It was like lou's glove had some hidden spring
Line drives would leave lou lying on his belly
Was his glove slick-coated with petroleum jelly?
But mostly, what made folks hide their eyes was when lou looked up at lofty pop flies
He would circle and circle and circle, seeking some perfect spot to tread
When at last that sphere returned to Earth it would land right on lou's head
Finally lou threw his glove in the trash, without any remorse or regret
After that he just grabbed his hat and waved it like a butterfly net!
He'd catch a few too, maybe one of every four!
(a higher percentage than he'd fielded before)
And for those pop-ups, he finally got wise and took his batting helmet to the field
He'd stand under those descending balls, on his pate a polypropylene shield
If a ball knocked his noggin it would bounce back in the air
Then he'd brandish his cap, that intrusive missile to snare
Why, lou became so good at the angles he could bounce most flies to sue
(give sue an extra few seconds and she always knew just what to do)
Whenever the Bats were ahead, into the stands lou might bounce a ball
He was kindhearted like that, and knew it meant more fun for all
So how did lou get the nickname lucky?
A scattershot of scornful irony?
No no, it was a happy reminder
of the greatest play the world ever did see
One day lou was circling, circling, trying to spy a pop fly overhead
He suddenly tripped over his own feet and went down like falling into bed
As he lay there stunned the ball went "SPLUNK"
As usual, avoiding the ground
But this time it didn't find his head
It landed square on his buttock mound
In later years the media he'd tease
saying he gave his cheeks a quick squeeze
Maybe that's true, or maybe not
but that ball stayed glued right to that spot
The batter was out, lou had saved the day!
Shoulder-high, his team carried him away
And today, the only thing lou fields are queries
He's happy to, for with that catch the Bats won the Series

dedicated to (insert name here)

Such shining commonality!
I know you are SHE
My life's dream lover
come to rescue me
(ahhhh bullshit, that's a half-year without sex talking)

Your walls so porous
How does it feel to comprehend
you can fuck more nakedly
than your less-damaged friends?
(How thick shall i set it? Are you wet...yet?)

Your eyes! How they flash!
Your mind puts others to shame!
Every detail burned in my memory
I'm sorry...what was your name?
(DEPRESSIVE LUDDITES MAKE UNPLANNED BABY
WHO CARES WORLD FUCKED ANYWAY
FILM AT ELEVEN)

or both...

Pacifist being! (more sensitive or seeing)
Vegan declaring! (more knowing or caring)
Atheistical! (analytical unhypocritical)
Non-patriotic flair! (too fair, too aware)
Communist slant! (conscientious cognizant)
Non-drinking! (messianic unblinking)
Alone agonized! (uncalculating uncompromised)