Two more songs i debuted at the Riptide open mic this week - "The Raw Dog Blues" and "Sexy Fuckers". When i walked out of the bar at the end of the performance, i laughed at the trainwreck i'd just left. The second song felt pretty great, like i'd won the crowd back, but the first one...i never imagined i'd post this link for you here. I very nearly stopped performing mid-song, to put everyone out of our misery. It felt just horrible...i could barely hear my own "bass" plucking, the bar background noise never quieted down like it did for my second song, i kept screwing up the fingerings, my kazoo string got caught in my uke strings, pretty much no one was doing the shout-backs i'd given them...and the song itself is so strange that i was suddenly sure it was a writing disaster which i should never perform anywhere ever again. Which was a mortifying thought, as i'd already promised to perform it later this week, as part of a set with another singer who has a very well-written PRO-condom song. That was my inspiration for this song - his infectious tune was so lyrically banal, that i decided the world needed an anti-condom song to balance galactic karma. I initially abandoned my effort after about a week, convinced that not even I could write a bitchin' anti-condom song. It finally came together...
But as i got to my bike in the street, a funny thing happened. This fellow followed me from inside, saying his girlfriend had dared him to tell me how amazing they found my song. I smiled and said "The second one?" And he said NO, the first! My mind was blown. We talked for a few minutes, his smile never fading. I guess the lesson is, disasters are not always what they seem. Listening to it now, it's not nearly so awful as it felt. It's rough, to be sure, and the bass line is way too quiet...but perhaps you'll hear the seed of a rip-roaring crowd-pleaser which will be performed by me (and covered by others) many thousands of times.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLOZXGdFzoA
Friday, April 26, 2019
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
"Shine On You Crazy Diamond"
S.T.H.O.L.T.B.I.D.
(songs to hear one last time before i die)
-by Pink Floyd
There is no more perfect song in this world to play late at night when you're all alone, by the light of a single candle...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UXircX3VdM
(songs to hear one last time before i die)
-by Pink Floyd
There is no more perfect song in this world to play late at night when you're all alone, by the light of a single candle...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UXircX3VdM
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
good young whatsername
I had a beautiful moment a few weeks ago. A moment of the most unexpected, delirious, intimate humyn contact, bursting with possibility...the kind of intimacy we all need to stay sane, and of which i've had basically none for over a year.
I walked away from that moment. I practically ran.
Since then i've returned to the scene twice, hoping to meet her again. "Never fail to seize a moment" shouldn't be so bitter a lesson...it shouldn't come laden with the fear of lost opportunity resulting in permanent sadness.
I was at an open mic...a cafe i'd been to four or five times, and had decided that was enough, as the energy was too new agey spiritual for me. It was a kava bar, a kind of tea that supposedly gives the loving disinhibitions of alcohol without the deleterious effects. The reason i'd come back that night was a connection with one of the workers. She'd been so loving, giving beautiful hugs and an offer of massage (This was the second cafe worker with whom i'd experienced amazing hugs and a seemingly open door to friendship, but both times their energy withdrew - the coincidence was so pronounced that the cynic in me wondered whether they were coached in patron-baiting...or just taking too much of their own product?).
Over the past decade, i've been lowering my emotional walls. Great things feel more wonderful, but awful things (the loneliness, fear, and aggression that permeate this world) are so keen it's like a slow drowning...which brings with it an erosion of my ability to never get involved in a relationship that isn't fully healthy for all involved. As you connect more to the physical and emotional alienation around us, you become more feral and predatory. I was always so good at not treating other people as a means to an end, even if it meant sacrificing potential romance...but when you haven't been loved intimately for weeks, months, or years, you start to wonder what you might be capable of.
As for romance itself...the self-absorption we're taught as children, and how ALL relationships become reduced to ongoing negotiation - "I'll give you THIS if you give me THAT"...we pretend we're not mercenary...
But we lie. Usually to ourselves most of all.
Having reached "middle age" without tasting the deep romance i've grown ever more capable of, i've insanely speculated that the only way to transcend all that would be to give my next lover ANYTHING. To be absolutely whatever she asked, without considering whether it was right for me. Perhaps 100% radical giving might be the only way to prompt someone else to rise to the same level. Stupid? Yes. I could find myself in a situation that consumed my life and crippled my artistic gifts. Yet on top of everything, i've also had relentless impregnation fantasies.
Anyway, back at that beautiful moment...she sat down across from me, and we shared a look of recognition. We'd met before, but...
I couldn't remember where or when. She rose to offer me a hug, and it was so instantly beautiful i didn't know how to cope. This hug was potentially legendary. The way she pulled me to her, my lips against her neck...it was a hug that seemed to promise anything. I broke it off before i lost my composure. I returned to my chair, half-pretending nothing special had happened.
Had i sat by her, we'd almost certainly have held hands, probably left together, and very possibly have shared the night. Instead, i soon left alone.
Why??
For a host of reasons that seemed "sensible", and probably are. In a lost world though, sensible and self-destructive are often synonyms. Firstly...i couldn't remember her name or where we'd met! I was pretty sure it was an open mic, but could recall no details. Surely she deserved better.
Also, i was still smitten with that cafe worker. Despite my affinity for "love the one you're with", i've never been able to shift gears so quickly.
Plus, my intuition said she might be too young, and not bright enough. She was twentysomething, probably closer to the start of that decade than the end. I've always striven to not care about age, which is the correct attitude - except in this all-or-nothing world. I once believed i could love anyone, but you ignore the mandates of this jealous/possessive world at your peril, so if you don't feel an irresistible pull, stay away. Otherwise, an explosion of unhappiness is just a ticking clock.
What a horrible way to think. It negates all the wonderful things we might have to give so many people, and receive from so many others.
"Irresistible pulls" are rare, though. Mutual ones, more so. You can go years waiting.
I also left because she was maybe out of shape. I HATE caring about that! The lust for physical beauty isn't unnatural, but it's magnified beyond any proportion in this airbrushed culture. It's not pure shallowness - i like athletic wimyn because i want a lover who can share the physical part of my life. It's taken me decades to get to a point where, under the right circumstances, i don't care if my lover is out of shape...but the broken child in me still longs for the hardbody.
Also, her eastern european heritage isn't my type.
Ach, such bullshit in us all. She's just a humyn who needs love.
I've dreamed of giving her that love every day since.
Fourteen days later, i finally remembered where we'd met. Don't throw heavy objects at me - it was at that same open mic, the previous week. Yes, i'm that dumb. We had shared some eye contact, and i was attracted. One of my musical friends tried hard to "pick her up", and she wanted no part of it. He should have taken the hint sooner. I think if that hadn't happened, i would have offered to walk her wherever she was going, because she left the cafe alone, and we shared some more sweet eye contact as she left.
The next week, i didn't remember any of it. Don't be hard on me. Some weeks, i go to six or seven open mics.
What was it that attracted me to her that first night, despite my intuitive misgivings? Was it simply her eyes that shone without any of the well-earned cynicism of wimyn over thirty?
So here i am, still going to an open mic i've moved on from spiritually, just on the chance she'll return. Which as mentioned, might be terrible for me. I've long since learned though, that if you try to live by pure rationality, you'll almost certainly be alone.
Is it possible i'm way too much "in my head" over all this? Um, sure. Is it possible she just wanted someone to hold? I suppose. Could she be as bright as me?? Well...
Intuition is a bizarre beast, and my own explorations therein might make ME the loopy new ager to a good rational empiricist. I usually feel like i know everything about a possible relationship within ten seconds of meeting someone. Maybe i'm too cynical, just because i feel like i've never met a female of my own species. What do you do if the womyn of your dreams might not exist? Do you love the one you're with, condemning them to being a consolation prize? Too much in my head, i'm too much in my head, in this bullshit all or nothing world...
Do i sound rational? I suppose i am, in a fashion. My descent into the lowered walls of semi-insanity is something i can still be objective about. I remember when i discovered the truism "never get involved with someone who's drowning". To live that from an insider's perspective is...fascinating, especially when you've got gallows humor and appreciate irony. Like this paradox - the more years of resensitized/underloved damage that pass, the more i need uncomplicated physical/emotional healing. Yet the accumulating wisdom of those years also shrinks the pool of humyns who might love me with real understanding.
It leads you to a point where you think you might settle for anything...and do anything to get it.
If i become rich, i'm going to have tons of touch in my life. What a tragic indictment of our culture, that that's one of the few salvations i can imagine.
I walked away from that moment. I practically ran.
Since then i've returned to the scene twice, hoping to meet her again. "Never fail to seize a moment" shouldn't be so bitter a lesson...it shouldn't come laden with the fear of lost opportunity resulting in permanent sadness.
I was at an open mic...a cafe i'd been to four or five times, and had decided that was enough, as the energy was too new agey spiritual for me. It was a kava bar, a kind of tea that supposedly gives the loving disinhibitions of alcohol without the deleterious effects. The reason i'd come back that night was a connection with one of the workers. She'd been so loving, giving beautiful hugs and an offer of massage (This was the second cafe worker with whom i'd experienced amazing hugs and a seemingly open door to friendship, but both times their energy withdrew - the coincidence was so pronounced that the cynic in me wondered whether they were coached in patron-baiting...or just taking too much of their own product?).
Over the past decade, i've been lowering my emotional walls. Great things feel more wonderful, but awful things (the loneliness, fear, and aggression that permeate this world) are so keen it's like a slow drowning...which brings with it an erosion of my ability to never get involved in a relationship that isn't fully healthy for all involved. As you connect more to the physical and emotional alienation around us, you become more feral and predatory. I was always so good at not treating other people as a means to an end, even if it meant sacrificing potential romance...but when you haven't been loved intimately for weeks, months, or years, you start to wonder what you might be capable of.
As for romance itself...the self-absorption we're taught as children, and how ALL relationships become reduced to ongoing negotiation - "I'll give you THIS if you give me THAT"...we pretend we're not mercenary...
But we lie. Usually to ourselves most of all.
Having reached "middle age" without tasting the deep romance i've grown ever more capable of, i've insanely speculated that the only way to transcend all that would be to give my next lover ANYTHING. To be absolutely whatever she asked, without considering whether it was right for me. Perhaps 100% radical giving might be the only way to prompt someone else to rise to the same level. Stupid? Yes. I could find myself in a situation that consumed my life and crippled my artistic gifts. Yet on top of everything, i've also had relentless impregnation fantasies.
Anyway, back at that beautiful moment...she sat down across from me, and we shared a look of recognition. We'd met before, but...
I couldn't remember where or when. She rose to offer me a hug, and it was so instantly beautiful i didn't know how to cope. This hug was potentially legendary. The way she pulled me to her, my lips against her neck...it was a hug that seemed to promise anything. I broke it off before i lost my composure. I returned to my chair, half-pretending nothing special had happened.
Had i sat by her, we'd almost certainly have held hands, probably left together, and very possibly have shared the night. Instead, i soon left alone.
Why??
For a host of reasons that seemed "sensible", and probably are. In a lost world though, sensible and self-destructive are often synonyms. Firstly...i couldn't remember her name or where we'd met! I was pretty sure it was an open mic, but could recall no details. Surely she deserved better.
Also, i was still smitten with that cafe worker. Despite my affinity for "love the one you're with", i've never been able to shift gears so quickly.
Plus, my intuition said she might be too young, and not bright enough. She was twentysomething, probably closer to the start of that decade than the end. I've always striven to not care about age, which is the correct attitude - except in this all-or-nothing world. I once believed i could love anyone, but you ignore the mandates of this jealous/possessive world at your peril, so if you don't feel an irresistible pull, stay away. Otherwise, an explosion of unhappiness is just a ticking clock.
What a horrible way to think. It negates all the wonderful things we might have to give so many people, and receive from so many others.
"Irresistible pulls" are rare, though. Mutual ones, more so. You can go years waiting.
I also left because she was maybe out of shape. I HATE caring about that! The lust for physical beauty isn't unnatural, but it's magnified beyond any proportion in this airbrushed culture. It's not pure shallowness - i like athletic wimyn because i want a lover who can share the physical part of my life. It's taken me decades to get to a point where, under the right circumstances, i don't care if my lover is out of shape...but the broken child in me still longs for the hardbody.
Also, her eastern european heritage isn't my type.
Ach, such bullshit in us all. She's just a humyn who needs love.
I've dreamed of giving her that love every day since.
Fourteen days later, i finally remembered where we'd met. Don't throw heavy objects at me - it was at that same open mic, the previous week. Yes, i'm that dumb. We had shared some eye contact, and i was attracted. One of my musical friends tried hard to "pick her up", and she wanted no part of it. He should have taken the hint sooner. I think if that hadn't happened, i would have offered to walk her wherever she was going, because she left the cafe alone, and we shared some more sweet eye contact as she left.
The next week, i didn't remember any of it. Don't be hard on me. Some weeks, i go to six or seven open mics.
What was it that attracted me to her that first night, despite my intuitive misgivings? Was it simply her eyes that shone without any of the well-earned cynicism of wimyn over thirty?
So here i am, still going to an open mic i've moved on from spiritually, just on the chance she'll return. Which as mentioned, might be terrible for me. I've long since learned though, that if you try to live by pure rationality, you'll almost certainly be alone.
Is it possible i'm way too much "in my head" over all this? Um, sure. Is it possible she just wanted someone to hold? I suppose. Could she be as bright as me?? Well...
Intuition is a bizarre beast, and my own explorations therein might make ME the loopy new ager to a good rational empiricist. I usually feel like i know everything about a possible relationship within ten seconds of meeting someone. Maybe i'm too cynical, just because i feel like i've never met a female of my own species. What do you do if the womyn of your dreams might not exist? Do you love the one you're with, condemning them to being a consolation prize? Too much in my head, i'm too much in my head, in this bullshit all or nothing world...
Do i sound rational? I suppose i am, in a fashion. My descent into the lowered walls of semi-insanity is something i can still be objective about. I remember when i discovered the truism "never get involved with someone who's drowning". To live that from an insider's perspective is...fascinating, especially when you've got gallows humor and appreciate irony. Like this paradox - the more years of resensitized/underloved damage that pass, the more i need uncomplicated physical/emotional healing. Yet the accumulating wisdom of those years also shrinks the pool of humyns who might love me with real understanding.
It leads you to a point where you think you might settle for anything...and do anything to get it.
If i become rich, i'm going to have tons of touch in my life. What a tragic indictment of our culture, that that's one of the few salvations i can imagine.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Riptide 2
My second Youtube appearance, again courtesy of the Riptide Bar open mic. Two new songs, "The Not-Dyin', Sci-Fyin' Blues" and "Confused".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nY_Cuz6e9hA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nY_Cuz6e9hA
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