1979-1981
The scariest television memory i have as a child was an episode of BUCK ROGERS, in which an android prison guard came back to life more times than i wish to remember. I've been revisiting this wonderful series, and recently watched all 36 episodes. People remember the luminous Erin Gray, later of the cloying SILVER SPOONS. People remember the robot Twiki, voiced by Mel Blanc. Some have called him the most annoying robot ever, but speaking for twelve year-olds everywhere, he was great (and no, we did NOT catch on to his all-too-obvious phallic nature). People remember the campiness. The depth of the plotlines never went so deep as STAR TREK, fifteen years earlier. But the show was visually wonderful, and it had heart. Some say the performances were wooden, particularly star Gil Gerard. Hogwash. The actors were always at least as good as their material (okay, with the possible exceptions of guest stars Gary Coleman and Julie Newmar, who looked like she was having an out-of-body experience). In retrospect, much of the fun of this show is in the guest stars, with great turns by Peter Graves, Jamie Lee Curtis, Roddy McDowall, Cesar Romero, Frank Gorshin, Dorothy Stratten, Ray Walston, Jerry Orbach, Richard Moll, Markie Post, and the brilliant Jack Palance (who should have given over-the-top lessons to Ms. Newmar). One of the most enduring characters was arch-villain space princess Ardala, played by Pamela Hensley. The four episodes she did would make an ass-kicker of a marathon. As a child i wasn't keyed into the almost non-existence of her costumes (including a bathing scene), but lordy lord. And in her third episode, there was an actual honest-to-god scene of emotional depth and tenderness, in which she humbles herself and can't understand why Buck still won't love her. The series' only other such moment of depth belonged to the wonderful Tim O'Connor, as Dr. Huer, in his final episode when he sends Buck off to the alternate universe.
Okay, maybe once in a long while Mr. Gerard could be the teensiest bit wooden. But we like him that way, dammit!
However, something very, very terrible happened in the second season, that parallels what happened in the cataclysmic GALACTICA 1980. As both were produced by Glen Larson, cancelled during season two, and occurred in 1980, there is an eeriness to these parallels. Surely there never has been and never could be another season of sci fi as disturbingly bad. Watching Buck, you realize that something is wrong even before the action starts. The opening credits voiceover is no longer the compelling baritone of William Conrad, but rather the nasally fellow who did the voiceovers for POLICE SQUAD! Bad choice, and things are about to get worse. Gone is Dr. Huer, limply replaced by some admiral. Gone is robot Theo, the Felix to Twiki's Oscar. The new robot, Crichton, is the genuine article in that most-annoying-robot-of-all-time discussion. We're now on a deep-space research vessel (the S.S. Ed Asner, if i'm not mistaken), and the new characters include a game Wilfred Hyde-White as Dr. Goodfellow, but there is not and will not be any magic. The most memorable new character is Hawk, a birdman. When the shows aired, Hawk received the lion's share of the "what the bloopety-blooping-bleep is going on" disbelief, but strangely, he's the only replacement character who holds up well. Actor Thom Christopher couldn't have done more with the part, so none of this debacle must be placed at his feet. Twiki is still around, at least until he opens his mouth. Mel Blanc has left the building, and they didn't even try to mimic his voice. Twiki now sounds like Ralph Mouth minus the charm. And the bottom is still nowhere in sight, good spelunkers. As researchers, they do most of their away missions on shuttles. Reasonable, but this nullifies one of Buck's greatest qualities, that of topnotch pilot who teaches future pilots the long-lost skill of dogfighting. They give Hawk a great ship in his first episode, then we almost never see it again. The blasters have switched from rugged, black models to beige, pencil-sized pistols reminiscent of what Nancy Reagan would pull out of her purse. In the first season, Buck wore that cool white spandex uniform. He now wears, and i swear on my unborn child i am not kidding, a Member's Only jacket. And what they've done with Wilma is perhaps the worst of all. She was a no-nonsense military leader in the first season, and now she seems to have been promoted to stewardess. Her uniform has turned into a pastel mini-skirt ensemble. She actually walks around offering passengers refreshments in one episode. I am NOT making that up. In another episode she's flying a fighter, but not even wearing a flight helmet. No, she wasn't in a rush. It just feels so much like that anybody who cared has long since, well, left the building.
There are a couple of curiosities in the midst of this aborted season. One episode has a squad of military midgets, with six white generals and one black private. I don't think that one would quite make the airwaves today. And one episode is so out of left field, as to be simply ridiculous in its unintentional humor. An oft-recurring theme of sci fi shows everywhere, BUCK included, is the tolerance of creatures and cultures that are literally alien. But the episode "Mark of the Saurian" is nothing other than the complete and energetic celebration of the purest xenophobia. A lizard race bent on human annihilation have infiltrated the Searcher, disguised as humans. Buck, with his 500-year old body chemistry, is the only one who sees a green aura around the newcomers. He has a fever though, so everyone thinks he's crazy. When Buck feels pain, for a moment he can see the aliens in their natural state. And his reaction is one of wide-eyed, primordial homicide. Kill!!! Somehow ignorant of the fact that earth has recently been at war with a lizard race, he hurls himself onto the alien nonetheless. It's so fascinating, i can't even tell you...i encourage anyone to watch this episode. You'll never, ever see another sci fi product like it. Ultimately, season two evened out a little...Mel Blanc even came back six episodes in. It wasn't as thoroughly putrid as GALACTICA 1980. But that's about the best you can say.
Here's to 1980, the year that disco died, and sci fi did much, much worse.
ULTIMATE BUCK-A-THON! (all season 1)
-Awakening
-Planet of the Slave Girls
-Unchained Woman
-Ardala Returns
And in the current cinematic climate, in which the only films which get greenlighted are those with a built-in audience (yippee originality!!), i'm sure some soulless junior producer is pitching a BUCK flick as we speak. If go there we must, i've got the casting:
Capt. Rebecca "Bec" Rogers - Thandie Newton
Col. Billy Deering - Jack Black
Dr. Huer - Tim O'Connor
Yes, indeed, Tim is still out there swinging. What better way to thumb our noses at the 80' travesty once and for all? And since Twiki was phallus-shaped, i suppose it's only fair that Bec's ambuquad sidekick have a form that evokes female genitalia. I'll leave it to you, dear readers, to come up with her name.
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