racism is colorblind

My friend wants to kill me.
Why?
Because i'm white.
This isn't some acquaintance-come-lately, mind you. Penny and i have known each other for decades, and for most of that time we've shared profound intimacies.
Nor is she the homicidal type. She's a poet, journalist, and spiritual nurturer. I've never heard her raise her voice in anger.
We're differently pigmented, and talk about race issues often. We even wrote a play together about an interracial love affair, in which the lead characters were loosely based on us. She has certified me as an honorary black person, which i treasure more than any college degree.
Before i go further, let me say that i'm almost certainly misrepresenting her. I don't remember exactly what her words were. As she was speaking them, i let them flow off my back. Words can be so clumsy, especially when trying to enunciate conflicting, contradictory feelings. I was trying to hear only the spirit of her words. I didn't treat them as a big deal, because they weren't. I wasn't surprised at all (which may have surprised her). Did she say she "could" imagine killing me, or "had" imagined? Probably the former, but i wouldn't think less of her if it were the latter.
Of course she can imagine killing me.
She's black.
I'm white.
End of story.
If you'd like to believe that maya angelou or martin luther king never had any dreams of caucasiacide, then you've spent a lifetime avoiding the realities of this world we share - or rather, this world we refuse to share.
Especially maya. I wouldn't be surprised if she had actually gone ahead and offed a couple of whities - it's the quiet ones you've got to look out for.
I'm not speaking to you, by the way, as a white person. I stopped identifying with my skin, gender, or nationality a long time ago.
It's hard to imagine that penny now has any deep secrets left (but i wouldn't mind being surprised). Thanks to racism, it took only twenty-five years to unearth this one.
Forgive my stating the obvious, but these are confusing times. Or perhaps "confused" is the better word. We are all such a horrible mess of fearful, selfish, violent, superstitious social conditioning. Most of us don't have the first clue as to how broken we really are.
You think things are bad?
Child, things passed "bad" thousands of years ago. Things aren't bad, they're apocalyptically barbaric.
So i'm not here to sell hope. But if you find hope in what i'm about to say, that's fantastic.
Racism isn't natural. If humanity survives another century, that will be patently obvious.
How did american racism come about? Not easily, and not accidentally. Nor was it a creation of white people, it was a creation of rich people. Let's take a walk back in time. In the early years of american slavery, there were slave revolts. Most of us have at least a little awareness of that. But it's a shame we don't have a time machine, to go back and see these revolts. The visuals would be more unexpected and moving than words alone could ever be. Let "slave revolt" images flow through your mind - you're picturing a mass of brown-skinned people moving across the land, waving torches and pitchforks perhaps? Now freeze the image. Erase every fifth black person, and replace them with a white person, wearing, waving, and shouting the same things. Let the image play again.
That's better, isn't it? Still horrible, but better.
Who were those white people?
Indentured servants. Slaves in all but name. Penniless, white europeans who paid for their tickets to the new world with a contract signing away their lives. The only difference between an indentured servant and a slave was the awareness that seven years later (give or take) they'd be free. Otherwise...the housing, the food, the degradations, the beatings, the rapings, were often on par with the black slaves of the time.
If you were to live just one day under such conditions, not knowing if it was going to end, your life would never be the same.
When rich people saw what was happening in these revolts, they resorted to one of the most ancient strategies - divide and conquer. In order to shatter the natural sympathies between poor whites and slaves, they began a campaign of dehumanization. Using the social media of the time, they called blacks beasts and sub-humans, so that the now artificially-elevated poor white people would be less and less inclined toward the racial sister and brotherhood that had been natural to them.
Your white slaves are unhappy? Keep telling them they should be glad they're not a nigger, and eventually they'll believe it.
Racism isn't about color...unless you count the color green.
Now fast forward back to modern times. If you're still not convinced, let's let science pitch in its two cents. Sociologists have concluded that racism is not natural. It's possible that some sort of "us against them" tribalism is part of our nature, but even if so, it's quite colorblind in practical terms. Studies of large groups show this - the best example being the sports stadium. In a sea of humanity, if you wear the colors of a certain tribe (or "team"), you'll be accepted by others of that tribe, eagerly and unfailingly. People won't see skin differences.
Of course, penny may still kill me.
But that's only to be expected.
I've thought about keeping a photo in my wallet of her and i hugging, so that my life might one day be spared when a black death squad has me at gunpoint. But then i realized that the sight of a white man hugging a black woman might make a black man kill me even quicker. Then i thought about keeping a photo of me hugging my new friend mack, but the death squad might just conclude that i'm gay, and kill me for that.
And you wonder why i avoid money? With my skin and gender, i've already got two of the biggest death squad targets in the world.
If i were a rich white man, i might have to kill myself...just on general principle.

A prize? Me?

The bizarrest thing happened today - two women competed over me.
At least, i'm pretty sure they did. It was so subtle that perhaps it didn't happen at all.
It was bizarre, because i haven't had sex in three years. It was also bizarre, because even at the height of my attractiveness (which, given this upside-down society, possibly hasn't even happened yet), i have very few memories of being competed over. I'd like to think this has something to do with my calming aura, but it probably has more to do with how i perceived the world for many years. I was quite literal-minded as a young adult - i wasn't interested in people's well-hidden (or even poorly-hidden) feelings. I perceived how much of a disconnect there was between what people think and what they feel, and didn't want to waste time in speculations over anybody's emotional/intellectual state. If someone wasn't capable of speaking directly, i'd already moved on. I wasn't coldly dismissive, but the point stands. So even though i was never a lothario, i'm sure i was "competed over" more than i can recall.
These days, i deal with the disconnect between what people feel and say by paying more attention to intentions than words. I suppose i'm still trying to avoid wasted time.
Today i went to visit my friend irene in an assisted living home. Soon after arriving, i went to one of the nursing stations to ask for a folding chair. The woman behind the desk was intrigued by my Lez Zeppelin shirt. I explained, to her amusement, that they're an all-woman tribute band out of New York (and quite good, too). Actually, i said "all-girl", and immediately kicked myself inside for infantilizing women. The woman at the desk was alone, and pulled me into a conversation about music. "Pulled" is the correct term, as i was being polite and businesslike. Not that i minded - she was enchanting. She told me she was more of a Pink Floyd fan, and i eagerly concurred. She went on a tangent about her age, and i very nearly bet her that i was older. Had i been more of a flirt, i would have done so. As it turns out, i would have lost. We talked more about our Floyd passion, and were well on our way to me inviting her to enjoy some music together. Then the bizarre thing happened. Another staff woman appeared, and jumped into the conversation. Her entry felt a little manufactured, but i found her delightful too. All of a sudden, i became pretty sure she was there simply because of me. She wasn't even a Floyd fan, she was talking about Creed, and it must have been clear that the first woman and i had been having a bit of a moment. My mind went into overload - i have no patience for small talk, especially when there's another reality clearly going on. For a second i thought about doing something abrupt and honest, like laying two of my business cards on the counter and saying that i hoped very much to talk more with both of them. But i didn't want to draw attention to the strange dynamic that had arisen, so i excused myself with a warm handshake for both (I suppose i was instinctively following Romance Commandment #4 - thou shalt never leverage one suitor against another. It's just not nice.)
This article is not about my attractiveness, though (or just a rare good day), it's about how degrading this society is. We live in a circumspect, competitive (and thus dehumanizing) world. We're taught to treat others (and ourselves) as commodities, and nowhere is this more obvious than in romance. We all learn how to instantly assess a potential partner for their positive or negative value. We tabulate all the pluses and minuses (in approximate order - looks, age, status, wealth, personality...for women, it's wealth, looks, personality, status, age). We reduce people to an equation, and it's generally not even a conscious process. Things like honesty, empathy, or trying to love and nurture all our fellow humans, get tossed out the window. It's also a world where "both" is almost never an option - you can't have your favorite AND second-favorite lover, without paying a high price in deceit and guilt.
Here's a general rundown of all the degrading, dehumanizing nonsense that played out in my head during those three minutes (the last third of which involved all three of us).
WOMAN #1 - Bright, beautiful eyes. Gentle energy. Playful, maybe even mischievous. Wonderful skin. She's sitting, but seems to be in good shape. I wasn't interested in her age, but she was clearly interested in sharing it...plus the fact that she has two kids who are out of the nest, with a conspicuous non-mention of any father/husband. I sense that she's ready to live for herself in ways that were denied a long time. I'm both physically attracted and think she might be wonderful company before, during, and after anything we might do.
WOMAN #2 - Intelligent, striking eyes. A tiny bit beaten down by the world, but she hasn't lost hope. Even more beautiful skin...but that's perhaps about my ebony fondness (If the world humps away all our skin differences, racism will be done!). I'm not interested in her age, but in hindsight would guess that she's at least ten years younger than the first woman (STOP COMPARING THEM, IDIOT...AND DON'T FALL FOR THIS SOCIETY'S AGEIST "YOUNGER IS BETTER" BULLSHIT!). She's standing, so i'm even more sure she's in good (maybe great) shape. (STOP OBJECTIFYING THEM, FOOL!)
WOMAN #1 - Hold the presses. Yes, around her neck, that's a...crucifix. Feel that wind disappearing from my sails? But maybe it's okay...she seems so non-uptight, maybe she's that one in a million believer who's not a myopic boor. I know, i shouldn't let this one bother me so...but really, do you know what it feels like to make love with someone who sees not two, but three people in the bed? It's disconcerting. Imagine loving someone who still believes in their imaginary childhood friend. At a certain point, it's creepy. But she loves Floyd!
WOMAN #2 - Oh sadness...she straightens her hair. Are there NO black women who have read "The Autobiography of Malcolm X"? Why can't black women understand that we want to touch them, feel them, and love them, just as they are? Straightened hair is just unpleasant to touch, and anyone who says differently is blowing smoke up your ass. Natural black hair feels sooooo nice.
Sigh.
I want to love anyone who comes to me, in any way they need! But romance is such a hopeless minefield. I don't know who's worse when it comes to possessiveness and jealousy, men or women, so when you risk getting involved, you'd better be damned sure you really, really, really feel strongly. DON'T do it just because someone clearly needs love. You...will...be...sorry.
Sigh.
Black women tend to have less of a pole up their ass than white women (STOP USING GENERALITIES, THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR GENERALITIES!). Or is that just another way of saying that the power dynamic is better weighted in my favor, with a non-white woman? (STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT! THESE ARE HUMAN BEINGS! CAN'T WE JUST DROP ALL OUR FEARS, AND TELL EACH OTHER WHAT KIND OF LOVE WE NEED?)
Sigh.
I guess we can't.
I don't want to be in a power dynamic with anyone. I just want to try to love, and be loved. Not one person, but whomever i meet. But this world forces us to make these assessments, and snap decisions. Or measured decisions - it's dehumanizing either way. Rejection upon rejection, no matter which end we're on, by the time most people hit thirty, they're either hopelessly hardened or broken beyond repair. I could have something wonderful with either (or both) of these women, but most people can never see past our never-ending search for THE ONE.
As i walked away, i hoped i would meet one of them again on my way out. That didn't happen, but i don't doubt that we'll meet again soon. But which one? And which do i want?? (STOP MAKING WALLS!) On the way home, i decided that i'd let my subconscious take over. The next time i masturbated, i'd let my thoughts flow, then know which way to go.
Which i did. I've been having lurid, beautiful dreams about one of them ever since. Which one? What, you can't guess? It's...
But wait...what if i end up befriending and sparking with the other one, and she starts reading my site, and...
AAAAAAAAAAAH!
We are all so fucked. And not in the happy way.

yourself

As i love you in my dreams

would you recognize yourself?

So centered and so silly

A kindness-spreading elf

Your giving spirit exploding out

living beyond self-conscious doubt

No walls or rough edges

No suicidal ledges

Content with whatever life shall bring

Knowing you can ask for anything

Ever uninhibited and free

Ever in my dreams, ever will you be

gentle clay

How to turn human to thief?
How to take this gentle clay
and mash it so very far astray?
How to turn human to rich?
How to take this gentle clay
and lash it so very far astray?
How to turn human to killer?
How to take this gentle clay
and bash it so very far astray?
How to turn human to pimp?
How to take this gentle clay
and slash it so very far astray?
How to turn human to priest?
How to take this gentle clay
and gnash it so very far astray?
How to turn human to rancher?
How to take this gentle clay
and trash it so very far astray?
How to turn human to rapist?
How to take this gentle clay
and crash it so very far astray?
How to turn human to you?
What violence without do you render?
What violence within, to your clay so tender?

home of the knave

Why am i not free
to go naked when i go forth?
Why was the south not free
to say goodbye the north?
Why were the natives not free
to simply live their lives?
Rich men are quite free
Are their servants, children, and wives?
Why is the worker not free,
the conditions of their life to direct?
Are tycoon or bum
the only paths of self-respect?
Founded on rebellion
yet intolerant of the same
Maybe just maybe
we're only free in name?
Locking billions of people
and other animals in a cage
How can we perpetuate
such hopelessness and rage?
How can the land of the free
be a land of "victimless crime"?
Why aren't the non-pink free
to be just human - isn't it time?

YES

I write for you a poem called YES
YES - your agent of happiness
Bathed in YES, you'll know no duress
Wash away stress, your fears undress
This maybe world's a bloody mess
You need a healing heart to press
A truth to transcend gripe or guess
Not someone to charm or impress
So just let flow this loving ingress
Then will your lips unleash and bless
a holy chorus of YES YES YES
YES shall be your sacred caress