naked nurse 2

SOOTHING OUR SOCIAL/SPIRITUAL/SEXUAL STRIFE

Dear naked nurse,
A colleague was defending the belief in god, and said that humans have always believed, so the urge to seek higher meaning must be human nature. Can she be right?
frustrated in fresno

Dear frustrated,
Well...she's partly right. But only technically! Her grasp on human nature is comparable to a gibbon's grasp on geometry. As best we can tell (which ain't yet all that well), ancient pre-agricultural societies (or 99% of human history) seem to have generally had some sort of supernatural belief system. But to equate those beliefs with modern conceptions of god is hellaciously misleading. Their gods were more distant than modern ones, who are in our back pockets, up in our grills, and all over our bedrooms (horny buggers!). Ancient gods were more benign - no roasting in hell, reward in heaven, or revelation. They were probably treated more as story than substance - like santa claus, or henry hudson making thunder by bowling ninepins in the sky. God is a concept by which we measure our pain, and humanity is in an epoch of horrifically perverse self-loathing, but to propose that we've always been caught up in existential angst or obsessed by a world other than the one around us, is to project post-agricultural mass misery where it doesn't belong - all data points to the likelihood that ancient humans were happier, healthier, peaceful, well-fed and well-loved (oh my my, were they well-loved).
So throw these perspectives into your ongoing debate...but don't get your hopes up. For do you know who creates an invisible rabbit?
Someone who needs an invisible rabbit.
perspicacious ponderings,
the naked nurse

Send queries to nakednursing@yahoo.com!

sun of jeffer

Buddha would sigh if buddhism he did spy
JC would flee from christianity
Marx would hurl to see the "communist" world
Jefferson would cry to see the U.S. of I

naked nurse

SOOTHING OUR SOCIAL/SPIRITUAL/SEXUAL STRIFE

Dear naked nurse,
My friend says that the best sex is about spiritual connection. I say physical chemistry. Who's right??
horny in Harrisburg

Dear horny,
You're both wrong! Your friend is flirting with a heap of disappointment, hoping for great sex with a spiritual soul mate. If the physical chemistry isn't there, no amount of adoration or devotion will make us anything but sad in the sack.
But you're mistaken too.
Oh sure, the kind of instant attraction that makes hair stand on end can make for a delirious romp. There might even be an orgasm or two before you get your clothes off! Tallywacker-ho!
But.
Counter-intuitively...
If the game you're playing is "best sex of your life", start by finding someone with whom you're mildly/moderately attracted. Someone you can take or leave. Someone you'd give a tumble if they're not a blathering idiot, and you haven't had a shag since summer. Someone who makes you say, "Well, that was pretty nice", during the initial post-coital cuddle.
The reason moderately-exciting attraction can equal sex for the ages is this - it ain't over in the time it takes to read this sentence. Hair-on-end attraction is nature's way of saying "get to the baby-making NOW". If you want the healthiest baby, seek out someone who makes your knees knock (and inversely, if you want some immunologically-deficient half-wit, trying forcing a pregnancy when nature ain't interested). Yes, nature wants babies...but doesn't care about the quality of your lovemaking. Knee-knocking attraction can make both participants BOOM automatically. For a woman, there's nothing bad about that...except when she's suddenly holding a male who's ready for naptime. With moderate attraction, it's easier for the male to hold off that boom, and settle into some lovemaking that lasts ten minutes...twenty minutes...an hour or two. Then, if you happen to actually like this person, the formula of 90-minute penetrations + spiritual bonding =
Best sex ever.
The kind where space and time melt.
The kind where your mind disappears.
The happiest and healthiest thing this broken world has to offer.
merry mistletoeing,
the naked nurse

P.S. Another benefit of moderately-attracted canoodling is that you can sometimes get away with playing a little fast and loose with contraception. Which can also be a factor in the "best sex" game.

Send queries to nakednursing@yahoo.com!

jettisonset

Romance, finance
What's in it for me?
The balance tips
I jettison thee

braivary

Talk to your ovaries
Your ovaries are you
You and they are one
You are not two
It's not your brain that sees thoughts
You're a walking plurality
You don't "have" organs, you are them
Without them, "you" wouldn't be
They are you
You are they
We are we

Talk to this cock
as it moves in you
This cock is me
(but you are cock too)
Do you use a mental ledger
to calculate when to screw?
Or is your secret language
just something this cock knew?
I am cock
Cock are we
Cock are you

Croon to your cunt!
Pamper, pleasure, please it
For this world won't love your cunt
(not one little tiny bit)
This world will punish you
if you listen to your snatch
But your body is much smarter
than that noggin you scratch
Pleasure and pee
A cunty song
Cunts are we

Talk to the babies
You don't need the pill
When body and brain are one
You can impregnate or not at will
When your body says fuck
it's far smarter than your mind
The healthiest babies are made
when we leave our brains behind
We are babies
Babies we be
Babies are we

Talk to the world
The healing's begun
A new song swells
The human race not yet run
Repressed and afraid
We control and manipulate
Torturing others and ourselves
Nature within and out we eviscerate
This world shall see
The world to be
The world are we

Talk to the stars
Walk to a new day
This garden shall be tended
with tenderness and play
And as our carnal crescendo
casts a timeless sheen
fall into dreams safe and silly
for tomorrow is not yet seen
I am you
You are me
We are we

beelzebubbling

Lucifer looked down
from his heavenly seat
seeking hapless humans
on which to apply heat
He spotted two spirits
Arranged for them to meet
A sweet lass, a gentle lad
He began to saliveet

He knew nature's perfect chemistry
'tween earth-daughter and earth-son
might happen twice in a life
(though often happens none)
He could see the starburst
about to ignite
He could see the ecstasy
about to alight
"A simple hug will make them drunk!
'Twill bring them to their knees
And when in love they intertwine
minutes become eternities

But he doesn't believe in god!
She's a bible-thumper extreme
Now THAT's entertainment!
Perversity, of thee i dream...
They won't know what to do
Their minds will unhinge!
To feel exquisite longing
for one who make you cringe?

But wait...he didn't run
He's offering marriage and babies?
He scorns those institutions!
Possessiveness is his rabies!
Yet he knows what they might have
is beyond sacred and rare
For the communion of their blood
such foolishness he'll dare?

Oh, you sweet sap
You poor, innocent lamb
To see the stacked deck
and not give a bloody damn?
But surely she'll not rise
to his idiot's state of grace
She's a captive of her mind
She'll never step outside her place!
Oh yessss, watch them squirm
She thinks that he's insane
And she'll go to her death
a prisoner of her brain"

kaa cried

Undressing, touching
Caressing, clutching
Petting, growing
Sweating, flowing
Moaning, gripping
Groaning, dripping
Sighing, gasping
Crying, grasping
Clenching, teasing
Wrenching, squeezing
Grinding, screaming
Binding, dreaming
Healing, bleeding
Feeling, breeding
Undulating, screwing
Ovulating, cooing
Riding, sprawling
Rising, falling
soaring, flying
roaring, dying

"Hitch-22"

HITCH-22
-by christopher hitchens
2010
It's not often i feel my opinion as reviewer or thinker is irrelevant. Yet i'm close to feeling that way over this memoir by the author of "god IS NOT GREAT" (one of the most towering books in the unfortunate history of humankind). Much of my ambivalence is over the prospect of criticizing or disagreeing with one who has won my ardent devotion. I don't want to be trite enough to say that "one can be bright in one area and dishwater dumb in others"...for while this is true, it does hitchens a disservice. I think that had any of us lived his life, we would have come to every opinion and choice he made. And he was nothing if not a person of intelligence and integrity. So at the very least, his views are an important part of humanity's discussion with itself.
Which is not to say that said views are the backbone of this book. One can enjoy it as a singular telling of a life earnestly lived. His vocabulary and command of language mark him as one of the few people who can make almost anyone (including myself) feel a bit dumb. His early life as an international socialist/communist agitator, his unknown jewish heritage, his hobnobbing with western society's intellectual and political elite, his non-partisan skewering of kissinger and clinton, all make for delightful diversion. And his maturation into "anti-totalitarian firebrand" is admirable. His divorce from the left hits home though, as i'm one of those "soft-minded" lefties he scorned for failing to support the military liberations of Kuwait and Iraq. Can wolfowitz be a good guy? With my absolutist pacifist stance, am i one of those whose devotion to principle would condemn billions to slavery and suffering? Is this world still so thoroughly barbaric that taking up the sword in the name of freedom is not only right, but required?
We also diverge in our feelings on America. A brit who realized his dream of american citizenship, he's unapologetically patriotic. Where i see genocide, nuclear aggression, and noxious imperialism, he sees humanity's best hope (this is admittedly one of those murky areas where the truth might be somewhere in the middle).
The greatest compliment i can offer is that our disagreements make me no less eager to read everything he ever produced.

oui!

Once upon a time women fought to be free
Free from enslavement in the world of HE
Once free, they were soon to see
that HE-world was a fallacy
(for HE-world was but the world of ME)
So again they fought, fought to be free
They fought to find the world of SHE
They healed the horrors of patriarchy
But ultimately the world of SHE
led to a feeling most...empty
So the matriarchs did decree
this was now a world of THEE
And things went swimmingly
until there was an insurgence of ME
(a separatist wave of acrimony)
Then a pair of children
a she and a he
said fighting's not the way to be
For nobody's free in HE, ME, SHE, or THEE!
The only place to be
Where no one's ever unfree
is the world of WE
WE's free
WE's key
WE's glee!
Just WE
D'ya see?

"When Things Were Rotten"

1975
-created by mel brooks, john boni, and norman stiles

Imagine that mel brooks had created a television show at the peak of his popularity - just one year after the release of YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN and BLAZING SADDLES. Imagine that your family, friends, and the entertainment industry have conspired all your life to keep its existence a secret from you. How would you feel? Would there soon be a burn mark on the ground between you and the nearest [warning: anachronism!] video store?
Well, it exists, in this mid-70s send-up of the robin hood legend. It survived thirteen episodes before the Sherwood axe fell. Wait, the robin hood legend, you say? The same legend spoofed by mel eighteen years later in ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS? The same. Funny how i don't remember anyone mentioning that back in 1995. Well, like they say, only two things endure - success and herpes.
Was it deserving of its fate? Maybe. This is no POLICE SQUAD!, a masterpiece too brilliant to succeed. Strictly speaking, it was at most good - it lacked the hipness and edge of SADDLES, and the acting/writing lightning strike of FRANKENSTEIN. But it's also hard to believe it wasn't better than most of the shows that WEREN'T cancelled in '75. In any case, it motivated mel off the small screen for good, so it's worth a viewing for historical interest. Throw in guest-star richness and some well-earned chuckles, and you'll be glad to have known it.
THE CAST
FAMILIAR
-friar tuck: dick van patten (EIGHT IS ENOUGH, BEWARE! THE BLOB)
You keep thinking there must be a scene on the cutting room floor of MEN IN TIGHTS with the two casts accidentally bumping into each other in the forest. But alas, dick seems to be the only one mel called for his second HOOD spin, as the abbott.
-alan-a-dale: bernie kopell (THE LOVE BOAT, THAT GIRL)
Bernie, alas, gets more than his share of the forced lines.
VAGUELY-FAMILIAR
-robin hood: richard gautier (GET SMART, FUN WITH DICK AND JANE)
He held up his end, in a role that was originally offered to robert klein.
-maid marian: misty rowe (HAPPY DAYS, HEE HAW HONEYS)
After putting in her time as a piece of set design on the degrading HEE HAW, she shows true comic chops.
-prince john: ron rifkin (SOAP, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL)
The actor most often mistaken for bob balaban. And vice versa.
WHODAT?
-sheriff of nottingham: henry polic II (THE LAST REMAKE OF BEAU GESTE, WEBSTER)
As good as his material, plus some.
-little john: david sabin (KENNEDY, ARTHUR 2)
No weak link here.
-betram/renaldo: richard dimitri (JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY, RICHARD LEWIS: I'M DOOMED)
A really darling dual performance.
And the guest turns? Sid caesar, john byner, paul williams, ron glass, steve landesberg, and dudley moore (as a sheik in the only wincingly racist episode). Plus a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance by mel himself.

amiss leftovers

(a follow-up to http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2014/11/amiss-conceptions.html)

Do i want to share deeper (or at least further) insights into the psychological underpinnings of "amiss conceptions"? Well, apparently. But i'm ambivalent, as i'm trying to evolve away from navel-gazing for its own sake. Not that there's no merit therein...naked self-revelation is an honorable art, and can trigger profound resonances (particularly in a culture where most people are seldom honest with themselves, never mind the world at large). More and more though, the standard for my writing is public-speaking potential. Nor is it simply a question of entertainment value - there's a part of me that finds prattling on about myself boring. Not that there isn't some level on which my favorite subject matter is "ME" (like everyone else, i'm too wounded and needy for it to be otherwise), but to a considerable extent, i'm one of those people who are generally eager to deflect attention away from themself. I don't need it like others (or at any rate, i don't need more of the crappy substitutes for real attention this society affords - unless it involves getting my recliner upholstered...but i don't want to make my point before i make my point...i don't want to expose my edifice before the groundwork gets laid...i don't want to suffer from premature articulation...).
Sorry, my mind wandered.
There are at least a couple additional levels to my recklessness. I would say "sexual recklessness", but there's also an element of simple self-destruction - a part of me that's tired of living. These impregnation fantasies are so pervasive, i'm currently having them about a woman i've not even met yet. I may be acting in a play, in the part of her older husband. The fact that we'll be a mixed-race couple feeds into my rainbow libido (and desire to have the world fuck away all skin differences). I dream of sweeping her up in such a mind-bending rush of sexuality (combined with the most emotionally naked intimacy she's known), that the first time we make love she'll want me to cum in her, and hold her on the day she dies.
Care to bet against me? I've got hormones and her crippled self-worth on my side.
I write that with a gentle smile around these haunted eyes...for it's hard to imagine my reservoir of nurturance ever being truly depleted.
But i do feel like i'm holding up the world with nine broken fingers.
Part of this is just about reclaiming my identity as a sexual being. Sex is an integral part of human nature, and we're only beginning to understand the ways in which we've tortured and denied that aspect of ourselves. What could be more natural, more primal, than the moment of conception between woman and man?
Rational? Of course not. Elemental, dear watson.
Is there something a touch predatory in this fantasy? Yes...and that's rather the point. Predation is the foundation upon which romance exists in this society. I've avoided this...and, rather than being rewarded, have found increased loneliness as the result. The notion of romantic predation is amply romanticized (ahem). All's fair in love and war...faint heart never won fair maiden...i resisted and resisted, but he won me over...THE BACHELOR, THE BACHELORETTE, THE BACHELORD OF THE RING...as children, we learn to perceive romance in terms of winning or losing. Women are just as corrupted. You set your sights on the one you want, and you "win" when they're yours! But mostly, i've refused to play this game - refused to treat another human being as a prize, or a commodity. And sometimes in the long lonely nights, that starts to feel like foolish naivete. The biggest romantic scars of my life are the two women with whom i've been in love - full, hormonal love (which is the only way to talk about romance honestly, as a function of hormones). There are other kinds of love, including companionate (yay!), but i've felt the sweeping grandeur of hormonal love with two women, and with each, there was a point (or multiple points) when they were ready to "give themselves". And i demurred. They were offering themselves for the wrong reasons, or weren't truly ready to love another. I knew how good it could be if we waited and came together in loving mutuality, but in each instance, the relationship ultimately crumbled (while all the while users and controllers held the keys to their carnal kingdoms). And that's typical of the rewards for being "nice". Many (women, especially) would protest that that's not so. But it is. Deep down, we're confused when a potential lover refuses to treat us as a prize to be won. Ultimately, we shun the non-predator.
So why should these two relationships torment me? Aren't i better off, having held out for healthy? It's hard to manifest that attitude when you look back and see the normal human sexuality you were supposed to live, that never came to be. Days, weeks, months, even years spent unheld. Or held, but almost always with the underlying tensions and fears that surround the "battle of the sexes". Humans weren't made to live like this. In ways science is only beginning to understand, this isn't the way our ancient (and recent) ancestors lived.
And thanks to our cultural penchant for post-romantic immolation, i don't even have the consolation of the memory of these two women thanking me for loving them more than they were capable of loving themselves. I never got to hear vanessa say "Thank you for not taking advantage when i just wanted to lash out at vlad". I never got to hear amanda say "Thank you for refusing to allow me to be less than the person i hope to someday be." I don't even have those tiny, healing gestures.
So a lifetime of being a non-predator starts to feel like the act of a quixotic fool. Never mind being a "player", had i simply taken what was offered, i'd have the memory of sharing the most intense human intimacy with the two women i've desired most. And who knows how many others? For really, in a world like ours based on selfishness, "healthy relationship" is a contradiction in terms...and more and more, it's getting harder to not think that bad sex is preferable to none.
It's thoughts like these that propel me toward recklessness.
And thoughts like...aging.
In an ageist society, aging is a degrading mindfuck. And this 46 year-old homo sapiens is showing (as they might say). When i lean a certain way, my stomach skin gets a little squidgy. It might be temporary, because of a shoulder injury that's forced me to abandon my push-up regimen. It might be that...
But i also got my first white hair this year! The fact that it returned to its original hue some months later is neither here nor there, for...
What's incontrovertible are the lines around my eyes. I call 'em laugh lines, which is embracing, healthy, and at least partly true. If all such attitudes were up to me, aging would be righteously venerated. But it's hard to maintain that serenity of mind, when the rest of the world is only too happy to remind you of your aging...and their reminders are more often than not tinged with either mournfulness or gloating.
Anyway...
Don't fret about me abandoning this kind of essay entirely. Even though it's got a smaller audience, that's almost balanced by the intensity of said audience's appreciation. Plus, i suspect that this kind of essay will be of far greater interest to historians of the 24th century.
And the future is ever on my mind...

bone

Don't wanna own you
Just wanna bone you
When it comes to men
most women need ten

amiss conceptions

"I used to want a pulse AND a brain. But these be lean times..."
-fuzzy houndstooth, on love

My self-love fantasies these days are heavy on women from my past. It always starts with a real memory, that morphs into a fiction wherein we give in to desire completely, and in the ensuing carnal cornucopias, i give these women the best sex of their lives and intentionally, mutually, blissfully impregnate them.
Paging Dr. freud! Midlife crisis, aisle 2??
No. "Culture crisis" would be more accurate.
With these women, i can point to any number of reasons why getting in "the family way" would have been ill-advised, either in terms of compatibility, or as a measure of what was best for my life (and the creativity i have to offer the world). Unless you're rich, or a male who knocks up an "old-fashioned" woman, or you stumble into some "alternative family", you can't have it all. Man or woman, you can't. Don't let anyone suggest otherwise. The two-parent paradigm will consume your life - and that's just if you're willing to do it badly.
For a window into this reality, try watching an episode of AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS, imagining that you're the parent of any child shown. It's of course easy to laugh at kids' shenanigans, and much of AFV's humor is founded on the principle "it's funny if it's not happening to YOU"...but go deeper. You're seeing just one ten-second slice of the 24-hour need machine that is a child. Now imagine it's your child who has left a trail of chocolate syrup through three carpeted rooms (and a staircase). Or that it's your ceiling fixture a would-be orangutan has brought crashing to the floor. Or that your home now has a ten-foot wall of spreading foam, courtesy of a moppet ill-prepared for washing machine technology. How long does it take for that moment to become less than funny, if it's your home and your foam? So much for any hope you had of putting in an hour today working on your novel, or getting frisky with the old ball and chain...
And this thought leads to another - parenting is at once adulthood's most crushing burden, yet perhaps simultaneously life's most encompassing escape from growing up. Your life becomes so invested in the realities of childhood, that to a significant extent your perspectives return to that infantile state. How many parents can recite numerous children's books from memory, but haven't read a serious book in years? Two-parent child-rearing almost forces a parent to abandon their own personal growth, and shelve serious consideration of the world's problems. I'm convinced that for many, there's a subconscious level in which having children is about reality-avoidance. How's that for an upside down thought? Tasty irony? A whole new angle on the peter pan complex?
Anyway...these impregnation fantasies have been so strong that they've even spread into real life. I have a friend in China, and i've suggested to her (somehow both playfully and seriously) that i'd give her american citizenship and babies. Perhaps this doesn't quite count as my first bona fide procreative proposal, as she's given almost no evidence that she could or even would take me up on that. But it's noteworthy, as i've never talked babies with any woman. Not ever, not even kiddingly.
What does all this mean?
It means that i'm so lonely my teeth hurt.
No news there...we live in a culture of almost seamless alienation. The only people not crying themselves to sleep every night are the ones who have sailed their little raft onto Denial River.
But as the isolating weight of decades living in this world settles upon me, my subconscious searches for any way out. If i were more promiscuous, i might have already gotten into some domestic entanglement these past few years - i've been positively reckless (for me). Unprotected first date sex? Yup. Just once, of course.
So far.
Yet why WOULDN'T i have impregnation dreams? On the other side of that door, there's an endless supply of free sex (um, in theory), plus getting to hold and love a baby every single day. Sign me up! I'll take two!! Mommies, i mean. Or babies. Whatever.
Have i ever told you how much i love children? And vice versa. Any time i've been in some group or endeavor that had children, they would be drawn to me like magical huggy-magnets. I've always known how to talk to children (the first realization of how rare this talent is, is one of life's more frightening moments). One woman made the choice to be my lover, only after watching me with kids. Some even call my childless state tragic - if i had a hug for everyone who's said i'd be an amazing parent, my endorphins would be set for a year. I firmly believe that one of the keys to health is holding a child at least once a day. There are moments when you realize that this society sometimes punishes one for NOT being an idiot.
Sigh.
I want babies!
Just not (and i can't overemphasize this) 24 hours a day for eighteen years.
I was even starting to worry that these impregnation memory flights might be taking over my fantasies entirely...but happily, i've met one or two women who've nixed that concern. Not only do i fantasize about them, there's nary a fetus in sight.
Well...
Except for a couple other female acquaintances i'm actively impregnating in my mind.
So there it is. The recklessness lurking in the shallows.
Somebody rescue me, before i trash one of the few singular lives you'll ever know!
But nobody gets rescued in this world. We've now initiated women into this horrible reality. Not long ago, we encouraged half of humanity to dream of nothing more than being "rescued", then placed into their very own doll house (where they could have their own little baby dolls). The reality was disturbingly less idyllic, but at least there was some comfort in knowing that your needs would be taken care of and you wouldn't have to figure out life.
Now, not even women have those illusions.
And it's only right they were thus freed.
But welcome, sweet sisters, to reality in a me-centered world.* You're on your own. Take care of yourself, for no one else will.
And the love you need?
Fight for it. Scrape for it. Be worthy (and society will be only too happy to instruct you in just what "worthy" looks and thinks like).
If all that comes easy to you today...
Leaner days are coming.
Rescue is not.
Nobody offers you love, simply because you need it.
We're alone.
If you're not nodding your head, your self-delusion serves you well.
In a world of unfeeling barbarism, who wants to know so much?

*The female shift from a he-centered world to a me-centered world is another subject that calls for rumination.

(for a follow-up, read http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2014/11/amiss-leftovers.html)

Watsinitforme

My sibling followed the path
to Watsinitforme
A millionaire became she
and thanked her god devoutly
Another sibling was freaked out
by Watsinitforme
A drug addict became he
Looking for a pot to pee

My cousin jumped on the truck
of Watsinitforme
A rich man became he
(of the corporate deity)
Another cousin went along
with Watsinitforme
A jailbird became she
A recidivist-to-be

And me, i'm trying to live
in WatsinitforWe
A hundredaire is what i be
And i gets what i need
Yes, i gets what i need
(except for love, y'see)
Love is hard to come by
in the land of that-ain't-free

So i'm short on love
(plus doctoring and "security")
But still i'll just worry
about the we, and not the me
There's lonely rich and lonely poor
The common theme is misery
Yes, everyone is poor in the land
of Watsinitforme

amandacrackle

Okay kids, it's time to stop asking "Whatever happened with amanda?" I'll sum up.
After i arrived in FL, she described me to someone as her "oldest friend".
...
In that moment, i knew i was probably fucked.
I was also honored, but knew that she straddled a precipice, with one foot still in the vortex of demons that had made a happy meal of her life. I knew that anything she built up or put on a pedestal, she would be hard-pressed to not burn down.
Crackle crackle?
Of course, that image is a bit misleading, as it's too much about me. From day 1, i knew that any attempt at genuine friendship stood a very good chance of ending badly. Even if i did everything right.
And please don't take that to mean she's so much more fucked up than most. In the big picture, she's not. But in the small picture, her damage can be terrifying. Yet on a certain level, that actually puts her ahead in the game. With your damage out in the open, you're almost forced to deal with it. Whereas the people who are always "okay", are often the most lost. And somewhere inside, she knows where she wants to go, and is actually closer to self-love than most ever get.
It's been over a year since we've had any communication other than the occasional stilted e-mail. At this point, i'm mostly just looking to have my next note be my last, otherwise it feels like this relationship will officially end on the day i send a note that comes back "address no longer valid".
And may i tell you how pissed off i am that i've had to refer to amanda in this essay TWELVE times thus far with either "she" or "her"? This barbaric fucking language, with our moronic gender-specific personal pronouns! I'm reminded of this because a couple of you wonder whether some romantic or sexual element has been at the core of my devotion to her. No. Please don't measure my spirit by the limits of your own. From the first, i just knew that i was profoundly qualified to help her escape the broken, angry child inside her (and that i might use our other attractions as a tool in the service of that).
But twelve (oops, now seventeen) pronoun reminders that she's got a vagina, as opposed to just being a human?? You know, just a...person? Don't tell me it's not important. Don't tell me i've fallen out of my tree. We need to replace these words. The history of human language the past ten thousand years has been about concretizing "male" as the norm. There's not one single aspect of our culture which this idea doesn't pervade.
MALE is the norm.
Norm male.
Normal.
What, i'm reaching? Are you quite certain? Then you and i must meet for a wager after the essay. I'll be in the conservatory.
This pronoun nonsense makes me almost as sick to my stomach as her shitstorm of hurtfulness. It would be pointless to offer details - at the risk of an epic undersell, it's the same callous brutality we've all come to accept as normal. Nor am i saying that i haven't wanted to puke simply for my own sake...that anyone who offers selflessness and unconditional acceptance could be crucified like i have, but...i try to focus on the fact that how we treat others is a reflection of how we treat ourselves. By that measure, she is in a mind-warping world of hurt. She says she'll come back to our friendship...but she says things she doesn't mean. I suspect she burned us because she couldn't deal with being seen for who she is. The fact that i saw, and still offered nothing but love, is irrelevant. She's not ready to stop running from herself.
And none of that takes into account the unhealthy relationships in her life, ever pulling her in one direction or another. So i don't think she called me to Florida with the conscious intent of finishing us.
But don't be sad. What i'll remember most is that one single moment she truly opened herself up, very possibly for the first time in her life. For the briefest blink of an eye, she stood in her doorway looking out at me, and whispered that she'd never really let anyone in.
I know, i know...it's a touch obvious, but how maudlinly, hysterically revealing is it that she was standing in a doorway as she said those words?
We gallows humorists live for that kind of shit.
If i had that moment again, before she turned around and closed her door, i'd say "No kidding. Why do you think i've been standing here for fourteen years?"
I love you all.

keruption

An actor auditioned
for a dream of a role
To play such a role?
A lifetime's sweetest goal

The process consisted
of an interview and a reading
But the actor was last in line
There was time for but a meeting

Yet the producers were smitten!
They were charmed all the way
They asked the happy thespian
to come back another day

And when that day came
they all hit it off so neatly
They chatted and chatted and chatted...
and ran out of time completely

"We'll be back in town next month
when the tour again comes through
We'll do the reading then
Is that okay with you?"

The actor smiled and nodded
bursting with patience to spare
No need to not savor
another walk home on air

Ready to step in
The role known by heart
But at the next meeting?
No reading for the part

And thus it went
And months turned to years
The producers always assuring
"You're the best we've seen here!"

Finally, a decade later
the actor got a short note
"We're going in another direction"
was all the note wrote

The actor was stunned
by the abruptness of the deed
After a decade of preparing
To not even get to read?

The moral of the story?
The point of our sad tale?
Homo sapiens is corrupted
Corrupted beyond the pale

If "humane" seems a sad joke
and simple decency your grail
If fairness is a lost dream
try a wildebeest or a whale

naked sioux

Arriving home i told irene
Of the wondrous creature i had seen
“She’s too old”, my friend suggested
“But she’s amazing”, i protested
She’s never had the best lover of her life
Try to keep me away

She lightly wore such a beautiful dress
Was i NOT supposed to notice the swell of her breasts?
In happy cascades, her hair lay feathered
Was I NOT supposed to want us blissfully tethered?
She’s never had the best lover of her life
Try to keep me away

Dopamine rushes through my head
made less clever the things i said
Gently, so gently did blood swirl through me
Tingling this tumescing extremity
She’s never had the best lover of her life
Try to keep me away

If she’d had no makeup, her beauty unhid
i’d have been slave to whatever she bid!
We’re already lovers, sex or no
To love her well, i’ll come or go
She’s never had the best lover of her life
Try to keep me away

I'll hope to again bring a tear to her eye
if it helps uncover what’s hidden inside
A million words are what we’re here for
A million silences even more
She’s never had the best lover of her life
Try to keep me away

life made me

Life made me
to understand your fears
Life made me
to taste your falling tears
Life made me
to turn your knees to jelly
Life made me
to put babies in your belly
Life made me
to make you sigh and shiver
Life made me
to fall into your river
Life made me
to wake up and say
How may i hold you
and heal you today?

a good tucking

Shall i read to you now?
Or let our beating hearts mate?
The townsfolk wonder why
you go to bed at eight
Tucking you
Tucking you
Tucking you for hours

Writing love poems
to make you weep
Rubbing your back
until you sleep
Tucking you
Tucking you
Tucking you for hours

Gentle hands give a bath
A friend along your path
A thousand trails of talk
Three thousand strokes of cock
Tucking you
Tucking you
Tucking you for hours

woman

I don't want a girl
I'm not a pedophile
I just want a woman
Women make me smile

I don't want a chick
a bitch, hot mama, or ho
No bestiality! No incest!
(and i've no cash flow)

I don't want a lady
They've poles up their asses
I just want a woman
The mammal that surpasses!

being you

The only rule here
is just be yourself
Watch your walls disappear
Put your fear on the shelf

You don't need to hide
There's nothing to defend
Be safe, come inside
Your running's at an end

Laugh, snort, shout, sigh
Belch, fart, yawn, jeer
Rage, piss, curse, cry
There's no wrong answer here

Take off your clothes
Scratch and sniff your behind
Then pick your nose
I really don't mind

There'll be no demand
I won't run away
See this open hand?
There's no price to pay

Freedom is the only road
that ends at the real you
Take my love, share your load
Can you love you too?

maybe

I've nothing to say
to save the world today
I've nary a word
I'm a creative turd
Maybe i'm uninspired
Maybe my mind is mired
in the love i have not
or ideas i've forgot
Maybe i'm on a mountain
or splashing in a fountain
Maybe i'm having sex
with a woman named tex
Maybe i'm reading The Iliad
or watching a movie that's really bad
Maybe i've been chased up a tree
Maybe you're there with me?
Maybe it's just a fun day
Come back next Monday
Maybe it's a blues day
I'll try again Tuesday...

little barbarian

My little barbarian
My love so true
objectifies herself
But if i do too
she rears right back
and throws a shoe

My little barbarian
My pride and joy
declaims disgust
for any back hole boy
But behind closed doors
i'm her personal ass toy

My little barbarian
My pod's perfect pea
I want her, i need her
I eat her madly
Next Tuesday she'll ditch me
for a jerk who treats her badly

My little barbarian
My uncaged canary
She's been raped and murdered
She's a little contrary
She's had a rough epoch
Walked the holocaust of herstory
But you'd best not blink
She'll soon be better than me

"i love you"

Sometimes in a new love affair, the words "i love you" can be disquieting. Off-putting. Deer-in-headlight time, even.
What more clear testament could there be to how broken we all are? For what should ever be more innocent and welcome than those three words, under any circumstance?
But...
"OH LAWSY, what does this person expect me to say or do in return?"
"OH LAWSY, this idiot hardly knows me. Settle down buckaroo, we're already naked - don't overplay your hand."
"OH LAWSY, i want to say that too. But i'm afraid of wanting this person too much...and hearing them say it now, why am i STILL AFRAID?"
It's so easy to get lost in all that, though. Perhaps once or twice in your life (if you're very lucky), someone will say those words to you, and they won't have any agenda. None.
Will you know how to tell the difference?
Not likely. For despite all the love songs and "til' deaths do us part" vomited forth each year, this world does not broker in love. We broker in "what's in it for me". And even the most devout acolyte at the altar of chickflickiah, carries somewhere in their back pocket one rose that's not like the others. One unadorned black rose.* We sometimes even make ourselves forget it's there.
But we never, ever throw that rose away. We would be naked without it. For the first time in our lives - naked. So we save our black rose to offer up on that day when we need to make someone go away.
Don't be too hard on yourself. In this broken world, that black rose is a symbol of self-preservation. And self-preservation ain't wrong.
But...
Once in a long while, the words "i love you" are spoken in a new love affair with pure innocence. Yes, the "premature i love you" is more often about hormones than devotion. And MORE more often, it's nothing but a shameless bid to be treated a certain way in return.
But sometimes...
Sometimes "i love you" is simply the truth. Even if it has only the depth of a puddle, that puddle can be wider than an ocean.
And sometimes...
Sometimes "i love you" is about self-love.
Don't poo-poo self-love! Self-love gets a bad rap, because it gets confused with egotism. But one of life's disregarded truths is that you will never love anyone until you love yourself. Perhaps we all know this...but most have no idea how to live it. So we pretend. We give it our best, because we must. Yet despite the plague of egotism that grips our world, once in a long while genuine self-love blooms. How will you know it, in yourself or another? It will be the happiness that asks for nothing in return. An "i love you" stemming from self-love is not a shabby compliment, either. It's just another way of saying "I love who i am with you...you make me feel like i'm the person i'm supposed to be...you make me feel happy, and worthy of happiness." It comes from a person who is so centered, so at peace, and so blissful that they need to let it out - in gestures, deeds, or words. Words...which even at their best are a little clumsy. We fumble to express what we feel.
I love you.
You're right to be cynical.
But your cynicism probably also means that your own self-love is a journey you've just barely begun...

*thank you, j.d.

sold

What did they sell you?
What did you buy?
Did you throw away
your place in the sky?

What did they feed you?
Didn't you know?
A life without light
never can grow

You gave away your pity
Your empathy too
You gave away your caring
for anyone but you

You gave away your mind
You nodded your head
You shackled yourself
for three squares and a bed

You traded your humanity
You threw away your sex
Your spirit extinct
You're the new T-rex

my shirts are so comfortably lovely

(Today, i take a break from my normal writing modus operandi - saving the world, or just helping humanity keep its sanity. Be warned, this piece may be the kind of navel-gazing of interest only to myself, and future historians or archaeologists.)

"Do you have a shirt that you really love? One that you feel so groovy in?"
-donovan

Dear Earth (or beyond) denizen of an unknown future century,
If you're reading this deeply into the wrob archives, you perhaps know me well enough to wish you could travel through time to offer me the kind of friendship that's almost impossible to find in these barbaric times. Don't be too saddened that you cannot do so in actuality...my imagination is projecting the thought of you, and imagination is powerful enough that such thoughts are more than empty gestures. So thank you (and, um, thank me?).
This note is a testament to how rare real friendship is. There are two sharings i've longed to offer someone. The first is showing my e-mail address book, and telling someone a little about each person therein. This kind of sharing should be an almost everyday occurrence in human society, but it's not. Painfully not.
The second sharing is one i'll offer you today. I'm going to tell you about each and every one of my shirts. It might be surprising that i should long to share this, given my non-materialism and disgust with appearance-related shallowness. But what we wear (assuming we have a choice) tells an awful lot about us. Particularly T-shirts, most of which have some sort of writing or art. As such, they communicate reams of information about us: politics, philosophy, humor, sexuality...T-shirts are walking billboards.
Here are mine.
If you're disappointed that i have SO MANY, know that i've tried to be modest. When i moved to this island, i came with six shirts.* But with garage sales and thrift shops (i paid no more than a buck for any of these), it's hard to resist a perfect T.
GUIDE
G = given me as a gift
K = i plan on keeping when i move
N = never worn
T = as a tree trimmer, it's nice to have shirts of which i don't care whether they get stained or torn
STAR TREK GOLD (K)
A simple T version of the classic gold uniform, with the Starfleet insignia. I found three of these in a thrift shop, and bought them all. I've patiently waited to find a blue version, as i'm more spock than kirk (but if i found a red one, i'd snap that up too).
PB&Co BIKE RACING TEAM SHIRT (GK)
The team manager gave me this at a racing event in Minnesota. I worked as a field rep and monkey mascot for this gourmet peanut butter company. Yum.
DR. SEUSS (GT)
A white shirt with sam, the cat in the hat, grinch, and things 1&2. I love all things seuss, but without yertle or the lorax, i'd be content to lose this one.
PINK FLOYD
A Dark Side of the Moon shirt, with the band's faces a la Rushmore.
BAZINGA! (G)
From "The Big Bang Theory", a sitcom with which i have quibbles, but love. A gift from my mom and aunt, who adore the show too (and call me their sheldon). My quibbles are partly legitimate, and partly a reaction to loving something embraced by middle America.
HOMELAND SECURITY
A picture of armed native indians, with the slogan "fighting terrorism since 1492". A thrift shop find too spot-on to resist.
PB&Co DARK CHOCOLATE
A grey shirt i'd love more if it weren't one of the lamest flavors. But alas, there is no cinnamon raisin shirt.
GREEN CRAYOLA (G)
Not particularly exciting, but useful when i do storytelling for kids.
KAMA SUTRA RATS (G)
Illustrations of two anthropomorphic rats in a variety of sexual positions. I like this one because i like embarrassing sexually repressed people, and it reminds me of a similar shirt i only wore once or twice before a friend "borrowed" it for good.
ROSIE THE RIVETER (GT)
A pro-female shirt, of one of the WWII work force posters. It was given me as a thank you for MCing a sweet adelines show. I cut off the sleeves, to make feminism even more empowered.
HIGH-TECH BICYCLIST SHIRT (N)
A plain black ultra-advanced fabric i bought mostly because i liked the garage sale vendor selling it. But i've never been so heated on a bike or hike that i wished i had better shirt technology. And...black? For an anti-sweating shirt?
BAZINGA WITH FACE (G)
"Big Bang" shirt #2, from the same source. This one has Sheldon's face.
YELLOW SMILEY FACE (GT)
A gift trend that came back on me, it's the symbol of an unofficial fan club for the movie "Ishtar". I gave my mom smiley-face trinkets for years, until she started returning the favor. The image is playful, so i don't mind much. Yet there's something strange about this shirt - it has a tongue. More than once, a young adult has complimented me on it, implying that it has some hip and possibly subversive meaning. Anybody?
HARRY CHAPIN FOOD BANK (K)
A friend was tossing it out, but the fact that it has a chapin logo plus a drawing by john lennon, make it an idol combination impossible to resist.
I LOVE PUSSY
A garage sale find that has an eye, a heart, and a cat. Old people sometimes think it means "I love cats", and it amuses me to not correct them. I'm a tiny bit ambivalent about this one...sometimes i love it, sometimes it feels sophomoric.
HELM FAMILY CREST (G)
A gift from mom, with her maiden name (minus an "s"). I love the anti-patriarchal implication, but too i'm not big on ANY "family pride", which is just another manifestation of tribalism.
JOIN THE MARINES (K)
I love, love, love this one. The subtitle is "Travel to strange, exotic lands. Meet unique, interesting people. And kill them." I got it from an old hippie at a garage sale who was never comfortable wearing it in public in this conservative community. I assured him it would get no such lack of exposure with me.
ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS-LIZARD-SPOCK (G)
"Big Bang" #3. This is the only one i might keep when i move, as it has spock on it.
BLACK WITH SMILEY FACE (GT)
Mom re-gifts unashamedly.
BLUE WITH SMILEY FACE (GT)
Yes, again. I cut the sleeves off, and now use it as my dvd cleaner.
BORAT (KN)
An illustration of borat, with the words "sexy time!"
PEACE SHIRT (GK)
It's got the logo, plus a beautiful saying about fireflies. It was made by a defunct at-home business run by one of my cousins.
JESUS CHRIST SALVATION
A shirt with the American Express logo modified for a christian message. The first time i saw it, i burst out loud laughing...and decided i needed to give that same opportunity to others. Occasionally, strangers compliment me on it, not having any idea i'm being ironic. I almost feel guilty, and don't have the heart to disillusion them.
AAA (K)
It shows the quote "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why i dismiss yours". I'm not even sure what AAA stands for (i avoid looking it up, because i like being able to say i don't know). This might be the only shirt i'd keep, if i could only keep one.
SHRODINGER'S CAT
On the front it says "Shrodinger's cat is dead". On the back, "Shrodinger's cat is not dead". A quantum physics joke, the most "Big Bang" a shirt could possibly be without actually being from the show. I got it to make mom and aunty laugh.
FIELD ROAST GRAIN MEAT CO. (KG)
A gift from the neighboring booth at a food show. Addicting, amazingly yummy non-animal "meats".

*Full disclosure - i left at least ten shirts stored in northern storage.

fool's gold mine

(or, marriage & money)
(or, monogamy & materialism)
(or, m&m&m&ms)
(or, green m&ms)
(or, fools mine gold)
(or, fools mine "MINE")
(or, i can do this all day)

How we treat others doesn't just matter. It's the only thing that does.
-fuzzy houndstooth

What's the single greatest measure of a person's intelligence? It comes in two parts - their relationship to the institution of marriage, and their attitude toward money.
Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that that's the measure of a person's acuteness (what one does with one's intelligence). This society is such a swirl of dysfunction, that many highly intelligent people are so damaged or indoctrinated in one way or another that their smarts never translate into any kind of grasp of the big picture. For that matter, some intelligences probably just aren't of the "big picture" variety.
But if human existence in the 21st century can be viewed from the perspective of rats in a maze, the single most obvious (dual) measure of smarts is in how any human rodent reacts to marriage and money. Take someone who has never said a contrary word about monogamy or materialism, and you are looking at a person who would be denied a license to procreate, in any kind of sane world.
And truth be told, those two measures can be distilled one level deeper and simpler - how a person reacts to the concept "mine".
For what is money, if not the most baldfacedly obvious manifestation of MINE? Possession implies virtually undisputed ownership. Whenever we come across unclaimed money in an empty common area, we all ask the same question - "WHOSE is this?" And while it's far less overt, muddied as it is by sentimental notions of devotion, marriage at its most basic level is the most sacrosanct bastion of MINE-ness our society offers. MY man. MY woman. We've all taken liberties with money not our own, and society is pretty forgiving about small (or even large) infractions; the romanticizing of robbery started lonnnnng before Sherwood Forest. But "small infraction" is a phrase that almost can't be applied to marriage - both within and without the institution, we are ever vigilant for the tiniest of transgressions, ready to rush to judgment.
What is it about MINE-awareness that stamps a person's smarts so singularly? The realization that selfishness is the most sweeping, dominant facet of current human existence...and that virtually every social ill is a direct result. The brightest humans perceive that nearly every problem can be addressed and overcome, as soon as we figure out how to be WE-based instead of ME-based.
None of this qualifies as news - as far back as recorded history goes, individuals have condemned selfishness. Loudly, quietly, tragically, comically...selfish-bemoanment has a brimming history. Every so often, these expressions even scale the heights of popular culture: buddhism, "The Giving Tree", "I Me Mine"...
Of course, marriage/monogamy and money/materialism are far from discrete. Marriage, minus the surface sentiment, is nothing more than an economic contract that legitimizes and defines parameters of hoarding. Monogamy itself only arose as a way for greedy males to thumb their noses at death by passing on their possessions to male offspring, the people most likely to perpetuate their values (and protect their lives when they could no longer do so themselves). Before we invented monogamy, nobody much cared whose child was whose. Our children belonged to us all, so we all had a stake in loving and caring for them. Men dreamed up monogamy ten thousand years ago, and sixteen thousand children died of starvation yesterday. The causality between those two realities couldn't be more direct.
Curiously, an alternate and nearly as effective test of intelligence is gauging a person's reaction to Monty Python (but there's no particular relevance there, other than the appearance of yet another "m" in these equations). It's also tempting to think that a person's reaction to religion might be an excellent measure of intelligence, but no - there is something so shabbily obvious about believing in an invisible friend who can do ANYTHING (including give you a "get out of death free" card), that there is no shortage of atheists who aren't especially bright.
How omnipresent is selfishness in this day and age? Let's give a linguistic answer to that question. Just in case you're inclined to believe that selfishness ISN'T the guiding principle of the world you were born into, a look at the incidence of selfish (and non-selfish) words should provide a scientific starting point. Let's compare i, me, and my, with we, us, and our. The first one to clock in is "i" (or "I", as you know it, but i refuse to go along with the notion that i is more important than we...the same type of reasoning that makes me refuse capitals for people's names). "I" is the 10th most commonly-used word in the English language. "We" arrives at #27...a weighty placing indeed (unless you're invoking a relative comparison). Next up is "my" at #34, then "me" at #50. "Our" arrives at #86, and "us" at #100. Of the top fifty words you'll ever hear spoken, three are self-centered.
Yet i'm frankly encouraged that three group-based words even made the top 100.
Marriage is covertly about money, but overtly about child-rearing. You might suppose then that monogamous marriage would be an efficient way to raise children?
And it is...if you're trying to raise children with trust issues and parent-child complexes (to say nothing of how brutal monogamous parenting is on the parents). If you were trying to design the most inefficient paradigm in which to raise children, you couldn't do much worse than an isolated, two-parent family (the only thing that comes to mind is a single-parent family...which is precisely where monogamous marriage has left almost a third of all households). If you wanted a paradigm in which to raise non-neurotic children, a great place to start would be something with plenty of helping hands, and healthy models of human sexuality. Never mind the majority of marriages that fail...what percentage of "successful" marriages would you suppose are "healthy models of human sexuality"? How about after five years? Ten? Twenty?
Since no credible scientist any longer claims that humans are monogamous, why are we still trying to pretend we are? Money, of course. You've got to know which kid gets your stuff...and while you're doing it, you've got to live in a mortgaged, single-family home with 2.28 cars (the foundation on which the american economy runs...and rolls).
There's a profoundly unfortunate linguistic accident in the English language - the conjunction of words in the noun phrase "gold mine". We pair up the word for our most precious metal, with a noun describing where to find such treasure. But that noun, "mine", is a homograph, sharing spelling and pronunciation with a self-oriented personal pronoun. As a result, every time we speak or write "gold mine", we unwittingly toss another lustrous sheen onto our plague of selfishness. We subconsciously make selfish sexy. The word association is so strong that no FAMILY FEUD team ever missed the word "mine" on "gold (blank)". We've got diamond mines and silver mines too, but sadly not one single "trash mine" or "shit mine".
If only the word for "hole where we dig for minerals" were something other than "mine". Greedy me, i dream of it being more than a mere neutral word, too. We can do it! A little language tweak would do more for humanity's health than a million marches. How beautiful would it be if the word for that hole in the ground were a "we", or an "our"?
"Everybody thought her gold our was tapped out, but ol' rusty mcnoodles, she never gave up. Now look at her...easy street for the rest of her life!"
"Who ever thought the invention of a forty-foot penis toilet tube (with flush remote) would turn out to be such a gold we??"
"I still sometimes can't believe i'm a gigolo. But i always knew i had a gold we between my legs."
However, as you've no doubt already figured out, "gold we" (and even "gold our") are rather unfortunately excrementitious.
Sigh. Another brilliant idea down the crapper.

"Wonder Woman"

1975-1979
-created by douglas s. cramer, stanley ralph ross
Feminism's greatest television triumph, lovingly wrapped in over-the-top camp without a hint of self-conscious irony. Lynda carter stars as the preeminent female hero, stronger, smarter, and nobler than any man (or ten men...with guns!). Melodramatic acting, dialogue that makes CHARLIE'S ANGELS sound like shaw...which is only fair, as WONDER WOMAN was aimed at kids. But it's so unaffected you may burst out loud laughing again and again. Nor is this the subtle feminism of XENA TYLER MOORE - this is in-your-face female empowerment. They even skip "equal" and go straight to "superior"! The premise is that if you remove women from masculine brutality, after a millenium or two they'll develop powers of mind and body that beggar description! Well, why not?? In all fairness, they let the overt feminism pretty much drop off the table after the first episode, but she still saves the day every time, and rescues the hapless male hero too! And she never once uses her sexuality as a weapon. Is she a wonder? How can you ask? It also seems worth mentioning that she's the only superhero with the power of super morality. There's an implied level of elevated morality with all heroes, but "hero" is defined by the culture which employs it. An athenian hero would fight for democracy...of wealthy males. A U.S. hero in 1858 would fight for slavery, and women being denied the vote. Wonder Woman is the only hero whose morality reflects a culture far in advance of any other...a society where crime and poverty no longer exist (superman comes from Krypton, where crime exists, therefore he's necessarily more corruptible than wonder woman - can there be any other conclusion?). I mention this because it calls into question diana's decision to fight for the U.S. Is the U.S. deserving of her loyalty, particularly in season 2, when we jump from nazis to the Vietnam decade? At what point in history would wonder woman fight AGAINST the U.S.? Iraq? The Little Bighorn? Realistically, the only stance she would make would be to shun the barbaric morality of ANY country not named Paradise Island. But then we wouldn't have much of a series. Or...would we? But i quibble. She's stronger and smarter than any man - and that's a show any little girl (and boy) should see.
NOTEWORTHY (boldface: MUST-SEE)
SEASON 1
-The New Original Wonder Woman
That...was a religious experience. In a WWII dogfight over the Devil's Triangle, Germany's top ace (eric braeden - THE RAT PATROL, TITANIC) and the heroic major steve trevor (lyle waggoner - THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW, THE LOVE BOAT II) shoot each other down. Steve washes up on an island where he's the first man the locals have seen in two thousand years (they've eliminated the need for males by finding the secret of immortality). The only fly in their amazon ointment seems to be a touch of sexual repression, embodied by queen hippolyta (cloris leachman - YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, PHYLLIS). Steve stirs something in princess diana she's never felt before. She returns steve in her invisible jet, then walks the streets of the U.S. learning firsthand about barbarism (she's particularly shocked by capitalism). A sleazy promoter (red buttons - THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, ER) solves her money problems by booking her as an act! But the nazis are on to her, and damn near everyone turns out to be a german agent. The climactic fight is over-the-top classic as she goes womano-a-womano with an aryan judo champion (stella stevens - THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE). Taking a secret identity, diana fights axis tyranny by steve's side as his, er, secretary (showing how far feminism had to go anyplace not named Paradise Island). Other guest stars? How about kenneth mars (THE PRODUCERS, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN), henry gibson (LAUGH-IN, BOSTON LEGAL), fannie flagg (GREASE, HARPER VALLEY P.T.A.), and anne ramsey (THE GOONIES, THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN)? Just...brilliant.
-Fausta, the Nazi Wonder Woman
Two wonder women...one of them switching from traditional to nazi version! A german agent (lynda day george - MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, ROOTS) captures wonder woman and returns her to Germany, where she convinces her doppelganger that the fatherland has no love for women, so she should turn traitor! Of course. Who wouldn't?! The shots of wonder woman being overcome are almost disturbing, particularly for a child.
-Beauty on Parade
Okay, it wasn't all gloria steinem in satin power pants. The world's greatest feminist icon had one painstakingly chauvinistic episode, as she goes undercover in a beauty pageant, with leering objectification in full bloom. It's like every crass male notion wanted a "revenge" episode...and got it. Guest star Dick Van Patten (EIGHT IS ENOUGH, ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS) is repellant as the MC. Steve makes some demeaning comments that could be used in sexual harassment films. It's quease-inducing because the writers had no idea they were being loathsome.
-The Feminum Mystique
Not the sharpest episode in the tool shed, but too juicy to be ignored. The debut of debra winger (AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN, TERMS OF ENDEARMENT) as diana's teenage sister...wonder girl! Cloris is replaced by carolyn jones (THE ADDAMS FAMILY, BATMAN), who sends princess drusilla to bring her sister home. Nazis mistake her for wonder woman, and get her to reveal the location of Paradise Island...which is soon invaded! No nazi frogmen, but close. The amazing amazons fold like a french fortress. Diana saves the day. Debra wandering the U.S. streets is pretty hysterical too.
-Wonder Woman vs. Gargantua
I'm sorry...did a gorilla just lift wonder woman into the air by her vagina? Ah no, i see! A gorilla just lifted a nazi agent posing as wonder woman into the air by her vagina. All right, then. Carry on. Okay, i suppose i should also mention...john hillerman (MAGNUM P.I., BLAZING SADDLES) and robert loggia (AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN, LOST HIGHWAY)!
-The Pluto File
Robert reed (THE BRADY BUNCH, THE BRADY BUNCH VARIETY HOUR) as a plague-infected nazi superspy!
-Judgment from Outer Space
Given the sophomoric writing of some of season 1, you can be forgiven for fearing that an alien episode is a big ol' shark waiting to be jumped. But behold...a corker, an absolute corker! Not just visually, but the smartest episode yet (courtesy of writer stephen kandel, whom it will surprise no one to learn was a veteran of STAR TREK). A council of alien leaders, disturbed by Earth's pending entry into the space age, sends an envoy (Tim O'Connor - PEYTON PLACE, BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY) to decide our fate. He's sympathetic, but the evidence is damning. Wonder Woman argues for U.S. ideals, but he poo-poos that, saying our methods are just as corrupt (he even zings her with japanese-american internment camps). Part 2 loses a little steam and coherence, but ends beautifully.
-The Bushwhackers
If you're not sure you're actually watching a wonder woman western, the producers toss in roy rogers, just so there's no doubt. Cattle rustlers and global orphans in a lightweight script, only notable for her costume - the first time we see her in something approximating civvies. Is it possible roy wasn't comfortable around female flesh? Dale, is there something we should know? Or maybe he was against women being objectified...one of those points wherein feminism gets murky.
-Wonder Woman in Hollywood
Steve is summoned to L.A. to play himself in a war film. But the other military heroes (including robert hays - AIRPLANE!, AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL) keep disappearing! Debra winger's final appearance. The sisters' sprinting montage is too, too classic.
SEASON 2
-The Return of Wonder Woman
Can the magic continue? In a new network and new decade, a plane carrying CIA (er, IADC) agent steve trevor, jr. goes down in the Bermuda Triangle, setting off the same sequence of events as thirty-five years before. Diana, unaged, becomes steve's assistant, fighting...well, terrorists and such. Queen hippolyta #3 (beatrice straight - NETWORK, POLTERGEIST), come on down! The villains (including jessica walter - DINOSAURS, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) are an incoherent mess of cheese...but the scene in which a fake steve attempts to seduce diana is a welcome indulgence after the sexual repression of season 1.
-Anschluss '77
If you're going to have the cojones to do a moving picture about cloning hitler (barry dennen - JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, THE KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE), show him hating and speechifying the minute he emerges from the vat, i say.
-The Bermuda Triangle Crisis
That...was...wild. How about a terrorist sub...that's a reuse of the Seaview from VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA? Plus the debut of the wonder woman aqua suit (an even more preposterously hip Halloween choice)! She spins into it just like her regular costume, which brings up the question of how many changes of attire she can materialize out of thin air. Wonder pajamas? Wonder lederhosen? A wonder biohazard suit? In her blue aqua suit (with stars, natch), she swims hundreds of miles carrying a limpet mine in the wink of an eye.
-Knockout
Just classic. With the help of a samaritan cabbie (ted shackelford - SPACE PRECINCT, KNOTS LANDING: BACK TO THE CUL-DE-SAC), wonder woman convinces a terrorist (jayne kennedy - THE MUTHERS, MYSTERIOUS ISLAND OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN) of the error of her ways. The writing IQ shoots up, with the notion that anti-rich terrorists could have a legitimate beef. Plus a conversation between an assassin and a revolutionary, that's just too surreal. It's also fascinating to watch the show with the awareness that lynda has a latin heritage, of which we kids in the 70s had no clue. The moments when she speaks spanish (or chooses tacos over burgers) take on a new resonance. And she gets another mute child to speak! Annie sullivan got nothin' on ol' WW. This episode sets the template for much of the rest of the series, in which lynda and lyle rarely appear onscreen together...
-The Pied Piper
Been waiting for an episode so surreal it will leave your mouth agape in disbelief? Then go no further than this tale of flutist rock star hamlin rule (martin mull - CLUE, THE JERK TOO) who hypnotizes his fans into robbing his concerts. Not enough? How about eve plumb (THE BRADY BUNCH, I'M GONNA GET YOU SUCKA) as his head teenybopper? Hamlin makes david cassidy look like johnny rotten, and his crooks look like a muslim version of the robert palmer girls. You'll be speechless.
-The Queen and the Thief
Jersey girl turned european monarch faces treachery from a jewel thief (david hedison - VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, LIVE AND LET DIE) and her own ambassador (john colicos - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, DEEP SPACE NINE).
-The Man Who Made Volcanoes
A weighty contender for "most incoherent WW episode"...and that's one of the more fiercely-contested titles in TV history. A rogue scientist (roddy mcdowall - PLANET OF THE APES, TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY) builds a ray that can trigger volcanoes anywhere on the globe, and holds the planet hostage until we agree to end war. Pacifist diana has less sympathy than you might hope. Chinese, russian, and american agents descend on Mexico.
-Mind Stealers from Outer Space
Interplanetary envoy andros...or uh, his son (dack rambo - DALLAS, PAPER DOLLS) returns to Earth to fight brain-stealing aliens. It seems obvious that tim o'connor was meant to reprise his role, but couldn't - or perhaps he read the script, and knew the magic wasn't there. The aliens look like fifty-cent gorts with garland around their heads, and their beast looks like a cross between darth vader, darth maul, and stephen stills. Plus a couple frizz-headed Doublemint twins and a flying saucer reuse from THIS ISLAND EARTH...but nothing clicks.
-The Deadly Toys
An almost understated frank gorshin (BATMAN, RUDOLF'S SHINY NEW YEAR) plays an aged toymaker who constructs a wonder woman android. Yes, boys and girls (okay, boys), it's time for some amazon on amazon action!
-Light-fingered Lady
Greg morris (MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, VEGA$)! The screen debut of bubba smith (POLICE ACADEMY 1-6, STROKER ACE)!
-Screaming Javelins
Oh...my. Henry gibson (CHARLOTTE'S WEB, MAGNOLIA) gives a performance that's a wet dream for every drama teacher who ever told a student "bigger". Playing the monomaniacal leader of an island nation who kidnaps the world's best athletes to compete in the Olympics, he sports swishy hair, purple pajamas, and blonde twins constantly massaging him. Not enough? How about rick springfield (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, CALIFORNICATION) as a dopey boyfriend? And vaughn armstrong (ENTERPRISE, CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER) as a flunky, looking so young he may as well be five.
-Diana's Disappearing Act
Diana is kidnapped by a magician alchemist (dick gautier - GET SMART, WHEN THINGS WERE ROTTEN) who has a lead-to-gold scheme he's using to bilk OPEC. A goofy ed begley jr. (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, A MIGHTY WIND) is a senator's son trying to help. Even when WW fails to be excitingly cool, it's usually so silly you can't help giggling.
-Flight to Oblivion
That, boys and girls, is a bus...with a periscope.
-The Man Who Wouldn't Tell
Are you sitting? Gary burghoff (M*A*S*H, M*A*S*H) plays a womanizing janitor who accidentally finds the missing ingredient in an explosive. Corporate mercenary philip michael thomas (MIAMI VICE, ROOTS: THE NEXT GENERATIONS) captures him. So bad it's...not good, but funny funny funny.
-The Girl from Ilandia
Bizzarro hilarity. A girl from another dimension is discovered on a piece of driftwood, pursued by an evil genius (allan arbus - M*A*S*H, THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN). Mr. arbus should take megalomaniac lessons from mr. gibson, and a team of psychologists should take a close look at the news mogul who adopts the girl - it's doubtful they'd let him within a hundred miles of a female child today. The shots of wonder woman teaching her to use her powers are unforgettable.
-The Murderous Missile
Just so silly (with heart). A third wonder costume arrives...motocross togs! But take away the exclamation point...it's just a reuse of the wet suit, with gold helmet.
SEASON 3
-My Teenage Idol is Missing
Can this show GET any sillier? Take a seat, as...leif garrett (THE OUTSIDERS, BOB & CAROL & TED & ALICE) plays identical twins, a rock star and an orphan. He's kidnapped, and replaced by himself. As his manager (michael lerner - EIGHT  MEN OUT, BARTON FINK) bumbles, fans won't accept a lip-synching star! Well no. Of course not. That would be silly.
-The Deadly Sting
How can you tell pre-80s TV from post-80s? In the latter, the bad guys sexually harass women; in the former, the good guys do it. Starring craig t. nelson (POLTERGEIST, COACH) and ron ely (TARZAN, DOC SAVAGE).
-The Fine Art of Crime
Roddy mcdowall (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES) is back for his second spin on the wonder wheel, as a sculptor whose amazing statues are humans "frozen" so they can be re-animated to commit crimes! Naturally. Ed begley's back too, for an encore as milksop harold farnum. Gavin mcleod (MARY TYLER MOORE, THE LOVE BOAT) plays a victimized father.
-Disco Devil
Some WW episodes make you ponder the question, "Too silly, or not silly enough?" A disco is a front for a crime ring that uses a psychic to steal people's memories. Russell Johnson (GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, THIS ISLAND EARTH) plays an army colonel. Is Wolfman Jack along for the ride? How can you even wonder? But no - neither diana nor steve dance.
-Formicida
Can it finally be...a super-villain?? Wonder woman fights formicida, a scientist who takes bug hormones to gain ant power, and the ability to control them. She's a half-sympathetic ecological terrorist. The strange, scary manipulations she makes with her mouth will endure long in a child's memory...and her catsuit will do the same for an older demographic. But formicida may take first prize in the "worst villain name ever" contest - even after watching the episode, you'll be unable to pronounce it. Next to her, "disintegratrix" is easy peezy.
-Time Bomb
The WW sci fi train keeps on rolling! Ted shackelford (DALLAS, KNOTS LANDING) is back for his second go-round, playing a scientist from 2155 chasing a criminal (joan van ark - DALLAS, KNOTS LANDING) who longs for these barbaric, profit-based times. The best WW has a quality of lightness which floats the episode along. The visuals are candy, the acting spot-on, the flirtation between diana and adam tantalizing...and obviously this one's a wet dream for KNOTS LANDING buffs (Knotsers? Knotsies! Sorry.).
-Skateboard Wiz
She makes up for not discoing (a bit, anyway), as she grabs a board and chases down a car! Plus video games, an unforgettable attempt by two goons to drown her in the surf, the second WW go-round for eric braeden (ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES, HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO), plus art metrano (POLICE ACADEMY 2-3, JOANIE LOVE CHACHI)!
-Stolen Faces
The awesomest transformation ever, as diana falls off a building and spins in mid-air. Plus another evil steve trevor!
-Pot of Gold
The words "understated" and "WONDER WOMAN" don't cross paths often, so let's give due honor, as WW deals with...a leprechaun. Yup. But instead of giving us cliched, actor dick o'neill (CAGNEY & LACEY, THE MOSQUITO COAST) offers disarming believability.
-Gault's Brain
Strap yourself in for the perfect WW episode for all ages - as frightening to young'ns as it's hysterical to adults. A billionaire (the immortal john carradine - THE GRAPES OF WRATH, STAGECOACH) dies, and has an evil scientist (peter mark richman - THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2, DYNASTY) put his brain (with one eye) into a fish tank, from where he displays telekinetic powers while waiting to be transferred to an athletic young body. Beefcake plus cheesecake, as a femme fatale (cathie shirriff - STAR TREK III, ALL THAT JAZZ) slinks around. You'll check the clock, wondering how they squeezed all this into one episode.
-Spaced Out
Sit right down for a tale of a cat burglar trying to recover stolen goods at a sci fi convention. The visuals are outlandishly hysterical, with costumes from LOGAN'S RUN, STAR WARS, THIS ISLAND EARTH, a woman with vulcan ears, and robbie the robot. Those alone would be worth the price of admission, but would you believe the burglar is played by...rene auberjonois (M*A*S*H, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE)? A man destined to attend more sci fi conventions than he might ever recall? And the name of the fictional sci fi show making a 1979 "comeback" (as STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE was being filmed across town)? No, not GALAXY QUEST...it's SPACE QUEST!
-The Starships are Coming
No, no wonder space suit yet...but the sci fi silliness keeps on rolling. A tycoon fakes an alien invasion, in order to have China nuked. Tim o'connor (THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2, DYNASTY) takes his second spin on the WW wheel, as a one-eyed colonel. David white (BEWITCHED, THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES TO WASHINGTON) tags along too. The all-time greatest wonder woman vs. goons fight - if you don't laugh out loud, you're dead inside.
-Amazon Hot Wax
Diana goes on a wild ride, as she poses as an aspiring singer to expose extortion in the music biz. You'll wonder whose amazing voice she's lip-synching to...and you'll be wrong. It's all lynda (yes, she released an album, too). The screen debut of judge rheinhold (FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, BEVERLY HILLS COP), plus the second WW spin for rick springfield (HARD TO HOLD, HIGH TIDE).
-A Date with Doomsday
Peace terrorists plan a lethal germ warfare strike against Washington. Unlike the wealth- and eco-terrorists, they get no sympathy, not even from an uber-pacifist amazon. With donnelly rhodes (SOAP, GALACTICA)!
-The Girl with a Gift for Disaster
A goof with grumpy goons...charles haid (HILL STREET BLUES, NIGHTBREED) and dick butkus (MY TWO DADS, JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY).
-The Boy Who Knew Her Secret
Aliens come body snatching...are they malevolent, or just chasing an evil fugitive? Why did it take this long for diana to face a villain who uncovers her secret identity? A teenager (clark brandon - MY TUTOR, THE FACTS OF LIFE) also finds out, and is forced to face the invasion alone when diana gets hypnotized into forgetting her identity. Her wipe of his memory at the end is tantalizingly incomplete. A double-length episode with too much to cram into one, but not enough for two.
-The Man Who Could Not Die
Or, the series about to die (and crap like this is why). WW is re-booted in L.A., with steve trevor gone. This has to have been the last episode shot. There's a chauvinist IADC boss, an ingratiatingly annoying child hustler hanging around the office...and it's just bad. Really, really bad.
-Phantom of the Roller Coaster
Wonder woman chases a disfigured vietnam vet haunting an amusement park! Another two-parter that gets a bit plodding, but has plenty of heart. Plus craig littler (JASON OF STAR COMMAND, BLAZING SADDLES) and marc alaimo (DEEP SPACE NINE, TANGO & CASH)!
SPECIAL BONUS
-WONDER WOMAN (TV movie, 1974)
NO connection to the series...a point so important to douglas kramer, that the full name of that series became THE NEW ORIGINAL WONDER WOMAN. But worth reviewing, because it's too bizarre to ignore. Substantially different in tone (more deliberate and understated) and look (a blonde star who barely has a supercostume...and not in the good way), it's the 70s at their bizarro best. The dialogue is at times so surreal that it dips into film noir. Starring kathy lee crosby (THAT'S INCREDIBLE!, COACH), and ricardo montalban (STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, THE NAKED GUN) as a villain so suave, urbane, and polite, he'd rather have a shavian discussion than take over the world. His super-villain escape plan involves him rowing away in a raft so small he must have stolen it from a child. An image so funny it will stay with you a long time...
WONDER WOMAN DRINKING GAME
Yes, yes...i don't drink and i'm bored by people who do. Yet i'm helpless to resist the goof of a perfectly conjured drinking game.
1 drink - she breaks a gun
1 drink - she uses her headband as a boomerang
1 drink - the office robot dog uses the road runner meep-meep sound
2 drinks - a non-standard wonder costume
3 drinks - she lays some personal accessory down before transforming, necessitating logistic complications when she transforms back, to say nothing of exposing her accessory to theft

excavate

Words and expressions hide
What your eyes let me see
You've been naked, but never NAKED
You've been free, but never FREE

You've never shed your fears
Never touched joy mindlessly
You've never trusted others
(or yourself) completely

Time to excavate
and unearth your heart
Step into the sun
Take this hand, let's start

humans

I saw some people
in a dream
A firelight dance
in time's stream

The look in their eyes
was stunning yet mundane
Demanding nothing
No holes of need or pain

They played and puttered
and it struck me most queer
to see not a trace
of ambition or fear

They laughed and cried
More laughs to see
They hugged and humped
quite thoughtlessly

This sharing extended
in every way
No one was treated as
possession or prey

Then i awoke to a
face that was yours
We call ourselves human
I'm not so sure

"For the Love of Harry"

FOR THE LOVE OF HARRY: EVERYBODY SINGS NILSSON
1995
A contender for the title of "greatest tribute album ever". As that's almost a left-handed compliment, a truer compliment might be this - mixed in with harry's own stuff, this will be one of your most listened-to, beloved nilsson discs. Which is not to say you'll fall in love with every performance, or that there won't be a song or two you'll wish had been included instead...but for an artist who was as talented a singer as he was a writer, it's amazing that so many of these offerings don't make you long to hear the original. A few even surpass the original. Released a year after harry's death, the album is bursting. Twenty-three tracks by a diverse group of artists who all donated their work, so that more proceeds could go to The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence, a charity near to harry's heart since his friend john's slaying in 1980. The ever-quirky, merry musical puck who would have been more of a household name had he cared to play any concerts, inspired that kind of love among his peers.
1) "Remember", by randy newman
Harry covered newman copiously, and randy returns the favor with an effort indescribably perfect as the lead track.
2) "Turn On Your Radio", by marc cohn
Marc contributes an effort so good it's rather spooky (the insertion of lennon lyrics and a couple whispered lines by harry himself help).
3) "One", by aimee mann
A beautifully-done track with backup vocals by chris difford and neil innes, that later ended up on the MAGNOLIA soundtrack.
4) "Coconut", by fred schneider
A contribution that seems almost TOO obvious ("i said doctor!"), but fred nails it.
6) "Lay Down Your Arms", by ringo starr with stevie nicks
Kind of obligatory at first, but it feels just right after a few listenings.
7) "Without Her", by beckley/lamm/wilson
A solid, funky offering by this America/Chicago/Beach Boy supergroup.
9) "The Moonbeam Song", by steve forbert
Just a beautiful, indelible vocal. You'll play it again and again.
10) "You're Breakin' My Heart", by peter wolf and the houseparty 5
A raucous rendition of a song that will make you say, "Wait...WHAT do those lyrics say?" The third track from SON OF SCHMILSSON that outdoes the original.
12) "Salmon Falls", by al kooper
A righteous contribution of a beautiful, eerie, unfairly obscure song, by one of the album's two co-producers.
14) "Don't Forget Me", by marshall crenshaw
A delightful effort (though the signature recording belongs now to neither he nor harry, but neil diamond).
16) "Think About Your Troubles", by jellyfish
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of this disc is in its offerings from THE POINT!...harry's most famous work, but one this writer never quite "got". Fan-fan-fantastic.
20) "I Guess the Lord Must be in New York City", by richard barone
Richard takes a good song and makes it soar higher than before...
23) "Lifeline", by jimmy webb
See # 16...a perfect ending to an amazing album. Rich, resonant, and unforgettable.

"Eating Animals"

-by jonathan saffran foer
2009
A lifelong omnivore facing parenthood for the first time decides to understand what being a meat-eater in the 21st century really means, before bestowing that cultural heritage upon his child. Jonathan, celebrated author of the novel "Everything is Illuminated", spent several years researching this quest, and the results are most impressive. Beautifully written and compellingly argued, the main focus revolves around the reality of factory farming on planet Earth, where the mandates of "cheap meat for all" have created a moral vacuum in which trillions of slave animals live horrifically and die excruciatingly, and an ecological apocalypse which the human race will not likely survive. The cultural roots and ritualistic importance of eating are studied. A sea of facts and stats roll before your eyes, many of which will not soon leave your consciousness. The false gap between our own nature and that of other animals is touched upon, in the growing body of awareness of how much more intelligent, emotional, and social other Earth creatures are than we ever wanted to believe. Jonathan gets "inside" the wall of secrecy behind factory farms and slaughterhouses as much as possible. The only aspects not looked at in-depth are the health concerns of a meat-based diet, and the historical perspective by which humans only 20,000 years ago began murdering and exploiting not only other animals, but each other as well. But what's here is much more impressive than what's not, and for a fair-handed meat-eater's look at "what are we doing?", you won't do better. For a deeper look, see: http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2014/08/tony-tofurkey.html.

(eros) in your quiver

Sit on m'cock
Grab my hands
Throw your feet in the air!
Then let go
Don't fall off!
Wheeee, ain't we a pair?

Balls deep in you
We gently screw
I can do this all day!
I'll swim to your womb
Your baby room
This cock - thine cunt - let's play!

lessheartless

You'll never have to
spend another night alone
in the world
of
lessheartless
You'll never have to
figure it out on your own
in the world
of
lessheartless

You'll never search in vain
for a friendly face
in the world
of
lessheartless
There are no refugees
from the human race
in the world
of
lessheartless

You'll never be afraid
to get it wrong
in the world
of
lessheartless
You'll never stop dancing
the human song
in the world
of
lessheartless

You'll forget
what you're wearing
in the world
of
lessheartless
You're naked
No one's staring
in the world
of
lessheartless

Tomorrow's but
a new breath away
The world
of
lessheartless
You'll remember
how to share and play
The world
of
lessheartless

she whispered

"Can we...
Can we do this...
Can we do this forever..?"
Slowing my gentle motion
but not stopping
i replied
If that's your cunt talking
i'll do this another hour
If that's your heart talking
i'll hold you on the day you die
If that's your brain talking
i'll give you decades
to show you're not an idiot
If that's your ovaries talking
you may make me cum
right
now

trekking our progress!

Star Trek.
A beacon of progressive values? A shining example of a bright future, when humanity "gets its shit together"?
Well...yeah.
But does that proposition stand up to intense scrutiny? Beneath the humanist/pacifist veneer, are there lurking hotbeds of cultural barbarism? Are the prejudices of our violent, exploitative, dysfunctional world really sidestepped? For that matter, is anyone born into this world capable of even answering such a question?
Five series, ten films. Let's take a look.
RACISM/TRIBALISM
The groundwork was laid in the classic, with a bridge crew that had white, black, yellow, american, and russian all working together...in 1967! Subsequent series added indian (or latindio), hispanic, and arabian (though not every viewer necessarily picked up on those last two...but that in itself speaks volumes about how well the TREK vision was clicking). Of course, there was a "token" element to the mostly white male classic...and every cast had a plurality of whites (even if only barely). But on a more overt level, every series had episodes dealing with the evils of tribalism/racism - it's at the core of the the vision. And only once in the canon does a future human reveal self-consciousness about skin color (sisko's refusal to enter vic's holoprogram...not the only time DS9 got it wrong). For a while TREK flirted with associating blacks with "savage" klingons...but there were exceptions to blunt that, and before long even the klingons were "humynized". And the fact that racial (or even specieal) considerations were almost never a factor in the show's expressions of sexual desire, had enormous subconscious resonance. Yellow, green, black, spotted...sex us up, scotty!
SEXISM
Try not to fixate on the miniskirts. The big numbers for TREK's women? Captains - one of five. First officers - two of five. Senior staff members - fourteen of forty (35%). As a vision of the future? Not great. As an entertainment product of a barbarically male-dominated society? Not so bad. And it was a credit to how well the show's vision was working, that by the time janeway arrived, many didn't even think of her in terms of gender. That said, her character would have been a disaster in the wrong hands. Mulgrew was steel, without being unfeeling. If she'd come off as a bad captain, the entire TREK venture would have been diminished. In that light, after spock, picard, and kirk, she was the most vital casting choice in franchise history. You might add majel's number one from the original pilot to the big numbers, but let's debunk the notion that a sexist network forbade a female first officer. Aside from gene, there's no testimony to support that, so let's assume he was lying to his lover to avoid telling her she was a bad actor. And it's fascinating to think of how that changed the course of the show. If he hadn't had to maintain his lie, mightn't he have replaced majel with another actress? It might have been a beautiful moment for feminism...but without spock as first officer, would we be talking about any of this today? Anyway...social impact is about more than numbers. In the show's general attitude toward wimyn, the reality is much more affirmative. Yes, TREK did perpetuate the notion that a womyn's worth is in her looks and that wimyn are disposable commodities, especially in TOS (call it the kirk factor...which wasn't all bad, however - see SEX & INTIMACY). With james t.'s revolving/sliding door (no one ugly or over thirty, please), second-wave feminists never warmed to TREK. Which is sad. Perhaps if gloria steinem had sat gene down, he might have become better at debunking double standards. That's probably too tall an ask - his behavior seems to have been solidly "sexist pig". But the charge of "trexism" isn't so clear-cut, as all five casts were largely comprised of young and pretty actors, male and female alike. Beautyism, then? Sure. But almost all the female characters were intelligent and capable - indeed, in dax, seven, and t'pol, three of the series' most intelligent character was a womyn. TREK paints a future where wimyn are anything but kitchen/bedroom slaves. Even in TOS, uhura is motivated and dynamic. Overall, wimyn either appear or are referred to as captains over fourteen times - often quite capably (garrett, hernandez). There were also female admirals. Of course, i'm pretty sure that every single time a womyn piloted the ship in TNG, it crashed. When all is said and done, if you want to banish all TREK for sexist crimes, i won't argue the point. Then again, if you pay attention to TNG season 1, you'll spot several males wearing those damned miniskirts. And that ain't nothin'.
VIOLENCE
By the time a television-viewing child turns eighteen, he or she will have seen 16,000 murders and 200,000 acts of violence. If that doesn't chill you to the bone, something in you died a long time ago. If children watched only STAR TREK and THE GOLDEN GIRLS however, those numbers would be significantly altered (And every Halloween, there'd be bea arthurs and ardras everywhere! Rue mcclanahans and ru'afos!). Surprisingly, given the level of fandom, no one seems to have tallied the total murders and violent acts in the 724 TREK episodes...but how many have neither? Thirty percent? How many have no murders? Sixty percent? Let's think about how amazing that is, especially in a genre soaked in violent death (care to crunch the bloody numbers on the other biggest sci fi franchise of the past fifty years?). A big part of the reason is that the show isn't based on the struggle between "good and evil", but between knowledge and ignorance. And if you take DS9 out of the mix, TREK's violence/murder rate might drop by as much as 50% - making another case for DS9 as the idiot stepchild of the franchise. Much of that hangs on the decision to make their final few seasons be about intergalactic war...which makes me a bit embarrassed, as i prefer the last few seasons (i'd like to hope that's the worf factor). Yet too, the most violent TREK movie, WRATH OF KHAN, is arguably also the best. And for all the Federation's peaceful intent, their starships were undeniably big weapons, of incalculable destructive force. So perhaps if the franchise isn't to fade away into the land of re-boots that are TREK in name only, it's time for a series that propels the vision further. It's time for STAR TREK: DOVE (http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2009/09/star-trek-dove.html).
AGEISM
The ultimate expression of ageism is to make older people invisible - a trick that television can pull off a thousand times more neatly than real life. If someone is invisible, you don't even have to ASK whether they have any worth. Did TREK make older people invisible? Of the forty-three regulars, just thirteen were beyond their thirties when their time on the show began (though there were more thirty-nine year-olds than you might guess). But let's eliminate auberjonois, shimerman, dorn, philips, and billingsley, as they could have been any age under that makeup. Which leaves eight of forty-three, or 19%. Curiously, forty-six is a big TREK age, especially for captains - patrick stewart, avery brooks, scott bakula, de kelley, and james doohan were all that age when they stepped into the final frontier. Of the rest, roberts picardo and beltran were closer to forty. Diana muldaur, she of one season, joins rene as the only TREK regulars past fifty. But in looking at these forty-somethings, one effect of cultural ageism rears its ugly head. How many of you are surprised to learn that some of these actors were over forty? In an ageist society, we subconsciously tend to imbue everything with youth (especially when we're young). I myself was surprised at just about every one of these actors' ages, except for diana, scott, and the bald guy. And of course we shouldn't be too hard on TREK, as the life of a frontier explorer will naturally attract young'ns. But the ageism that TREK would have been guilty of is sidestepped by one happy accident - the show's success. Many of our most enduring images will always be of characters past (or even well past) their prime. By the time UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY came around, it was decades after the show's original run. NEMESIS hit the screen fifteen years after TNG's debut. Picard was joking about his age, while the rest of the cast were obviously not kids, either. Yet there they all were, both casts prospering...and living long.
SHARING
Earth of the 23rd century has no money, greed, or poverty. Some of TREK's details thereof are spot-on, almost startlingly - who was the brilliant writer who thought to name the most fundamental book of vulcan philosophy, "Let Me Help"? In the first half of the first season no less, identifying selfishness as the primary sickness at the heart of humanity. TREK also properly identified the causal relationship between selfishness and capitalism. Making that point absolutely clear was so important to gene, that the only substantive difference between TOS and the first season of TNG was a new arch-villain - the ferengi (greedy, amoral trolls - that obvious enough for you?). This is all the more amazing when you consider that TREK's writers couldn't have known what we currently know about humanity's natural state, pre-agriculture - a paradigm of radical sharing, wherein the notion of "mine" didn't even exist as we know it. The only quibble one can make is to question whether the show accurately portrays humans who have grown up in a world of sharing. The answer? Probably not even close. In a million ways, TREK's humans have so many of the quirks and failings of people who have grown up in THIS world. Maybe the writers didn't have the foggiest notion of how to accurately portray sharing-centered people, or maybe they knew such accuracy would compromise the ability of the audience to relate to the show. Probably, they just did the best they could.
SUPERSTITION
When you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer...and the most sweepingly affirmative TREK denial of barbaric superstition is the removal of religion from humanity's future. Once again, the exceptions to this in TOS tend to prove the rule...not as airtightly as with sexism, but still strongly, a reality cemented with the even more complete non-religiosity of all the subsequent series (except for DS9, cementing their status as the franchise short shuttle). Beyond that, every series has numerous episodes showcasing the disasters inherent in blind faith of any kind.
CLASSISM
Classism - the notion that humans ought be divided into a hierarchy of worth. There are usually middle layers (merchants, mechanics, teachers, artists...) before one comes to the bottom - the people who do the hardest work for the least reward. On the surface, TREK is an anti-classist titan - every series has numerous episodes about its evils. There was, however, classism lurking in the classic. It was probably unintended, but look beneath the humor of the joke about kirk, spock, and that guy in red - he rarely had lines or a personality, often died, and was never in on the decision-making. Subsequent series distanced themselves from that as much as they could, even making red the color of command (what, you thought they switched to red because it brought out jean-luc's eyes?). Security were ever after portrayed as singular people who were looked to for their input. On another level though, the social structure of every TREK incarnation embodied the hierarchy of military rank. A meritocracy, in which all have equal chance to rise or fall. Will future generations laugh at the barbarism of a system of compulsion and punishment/reward? Might not humanity soon figure out how to organize ourselves in a more democratic, egalitarian way?
IDIC
Infinite diversity in infinite combinations - "the glory of creation in its infinite diversity". A tenet central to vulcan philosophy, it speaks not merely to tolerance, but the embrace of differing understandings. I think it's reasonable to extend that to an expression of deference and humility before all life. How does TREK hold up on that score? They do well with morality plays about not judging based on appearance (such as when a dangerous, "subhuman" life form turns out to be a mother protecting her eggs), but the substance of those episodes is the search for life "like us". What about life which seems unlike us, in prejudicial ways the show just accepts at face value? Current human biases are disappointingly revealed in this aspect of TREK. We're told to be indignant over the races the son'a enslaved in INSURRECTION, yet what of the equestrian race humans are shown having enslaved in GENERATIONS? What of the canine race humans are shown having enslaved in STE? Nothing but a happy face for those. The notion that these beings don't have self-awareness is barbaric (and that's not just me talking...the first domino has fallen, as France declared dogs legally sentient as of this calendar year). Would you be surprised to find that science still doesn't know whether we're the smartest creature on this planet, and that there is biological evidence which points to the opposite conclusion, in certain species of dolphin most notably? Then there's the matter of food. TOS writers had enough foresight to make vulcans vegetarian, and the prop makers made ship food that looks nothing like "meat"...but as late as STV, there were occasional intimations that humans are still eating other animals. Never mind the health concerns or growing tide of ethical objection - simply on the basis of ecological sustainability, the proposition that humans will still be omnivores in the 23rd century is silly. Does your unquestioning acceptance of the fact that "universal translators" don't translate data's cat reveal your knowledge...or your depths of prejudice?
SEX & INTIMACY
Arguably the greatest blind spot in the TREK universe. Not merely overtly - one has to assume that many (if not most) of the writers were genuinely blind to how out of synch TREK is with healthy sexuality. The sciences of biology and psychology have barely stepped into that ocean of knowledge, which future generations will use to restore our species to balance. The only reason the show isn't a COMPLETE failure on this level is, well, accidental (again!). Remember the kirk factor? It started as nothing more than the semi-sexist fantasizing of the male creators - let's give kirk a babe of the week! And hire a costume designer who will ever strive to outdo himself in revealing the ass(ets) of said babe! Lost in that is the fact that there is nothing unhealthy about kirk's libidinal fondness for variety...quite the opposite (and in fact, kirk's "womanizing" has been grossly distorted by cultural revisionism - see http://strangehorizons.com/non-fiction/columns/freshly-rememberd-kirk-drift/). But let's back up - it's not just about sex. In fact, it's not even primarily about sex. It's about intimacy. Future humans will understand why everyone who lived in our times was so broken and fearful and violent, because for millenia humans have been cut off from the physical intimacy which is our birthright. Future humans will look at TREK and say, "They all look sad...and i would too. WHY IS NO ONE TOUCHING EACH OTHER?" Ninety percent of the intimate physical contact on TREK is either sexual or violent - an accurate mirror of the society that created it. For the most part, our only sanctioned arena for intimate touch is sex, so sex becomes horribly burdened and warped (sorry). Abundant touch is essential to health, in ways we're only beginning to understand. I'm not saying that a healthy TREK would have picard and riker hugging as they order shields up (though i wouldn't mind watching that episode), but in the show's less-stressful moments, future humans will be baffled by the lack of touch. Think about all the touch a baby receives, then how that touch is gradually (and sometimes not so gradually) yanked away. Babyhood is a fair starting point for understanding how much touch a healthy adult needs. Picture senior staff meetings ending in hugs. Picture o'brien and bashir relaxing in a meadow, with julian's head casually reclining against miles' leg. Okay, now - the sex. No, not in the meadow! In TREK. Plenty of it going on, bless em'. And it's here where the kirk factor has a healthy side. Every relevant scientist will tell you that humanity's natural state is non-monogamous. Humans are constructed to have multiple concurrent partners - the evidence is beyond dispute. Now, guess where TREK phasered themselves in the foot? Giving janeway a "lover at home" to pine for, cunt-blocked her. This was sexist, conservative, patriarchal bullshit, kowtowing to the notion that audiences wouldn't accept a woman having serial affairs. Throughout the TREK canon, with a few semi-exceptions (DS9, notably...hurrah, they did something right!), this is the pattern. Most TREK women haven't even reached mary tyler moore's level of liberation! Which brings us to...the marriages. Or, as i call them, TREK's most embarrassing moments. Jadzia/worf, miles/keiko, deanna/will, paris/torres...not recommended for weak stomachs. Is it possible that some version of marriage will survive into the 23rd century? Perhaps...but only in a form so altered that it will be barely recognizable. Informal group marriages for the purpose of child-rearing? Sure. A little life partnering here and there? Possibly, but only in a non-exclusive sense. This is one area where we might have hoped for a better example from the vulcans, but sexually, they're even more repressed than we. Which is not to say there weren't occasional moments of nose-thumbing at monogamy. There were (see http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2011/10/star-treks-flaws.html). The most sexually healthy race? The polygamous denobulans. Phlox's three wives each had three husbands (and an eagerness for further dalliances). The only truly regretful thing about STE's cancellation was that we never got to see any episodes on Denobula. And the funniest part of TREK's attitudes on sex, to future eyes? The scrupulous way TREK characters avoid being naked, will be as funny to them as anatomically incorrect ken dolls are to us.
STAR TREK. A progressive beacon? Absolutely. And one which left room for the reallllllllly progressive show to come, which will be an even bigger cultural phenomenon. But future generations will still have a place in their heart for TREK. Within a century or two, humans will see TREK as the cutely barbaric creation it is...which is no small compliment, as every other show you've ever watched will be considered horrifyingly barbaric.
Including, alas, GOLDEN GIRLS.
Live long and progress.