tumescente

I can give you the best love you'll ever find
I won't try to own you or mess with your mind
I'll walk every path of your spirit inside
When you seek me out, never will i hide
I'll let no one hurt you, not even yourself
If you put me down i'll hop right on your shelf
If you're broken and contradictory, i won't get uptight
What's that? You must go? Yes, i thought you might...

"Galactica 1980"

-created by glen a. larson
1980
Okay, don't get stressed. YES, there are some creations so profoundly, encompassingly wrong that one shouldn't even dignify their existence by mentioning them. Yes, this one's as wretched as you remember, or as bad as you've heard. Except...maybe, just maybe, not that second part. Maybe, just maybe it's only cataclysmically horrible if you watch it after experiencing all the charm of the parent show. Maybe viewed a few decades down the road, you might be able to appreciate a "so bad it's good" quality. Or maybe, even just maybe, there was a genuine attempt to make some kind of lemonade out of smoldering, beautiful lemon shards. Or not. That it ought have been killed in utero, i'm not denying. Nor was this a case of "elvis has left the building", as creator glen larson is still at the helm (was this demon seed an intentional nose-thumbing to the studio, for jerking him around?). Yet maybe just maybe, with the right frame of mind, it might be one of the most hysterical things you'll ever see. The classic cast? GONE. So the creators jump thirty years ahead, to when the fleet finally finds Earth. Fair enough. But wait...the cast isn't all gone. One of our heroes is still alive. Is it apollo or sheba or boxey, leading the fleet home? Well, no. It's...adama. Adama? As in MOST likely to be long dead? Okay, he's the george burns of space (it's not hard to figure out why - i'm sure lorne greene had the heftiest contract, which the studio was loathe to swallow). And...they also bring back boomer (herbert jefferson jr. - BLACK GUNN, APOLLO 13) for a thankless supporting role. Plus...boxey! Or the grown-up version of him (kent mccord - ADAM-12, AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL), now senior fleet pilot. Toss in barry van dyke (THE HARVEY KORMAN SHOW, DIAGNOSIS MURDER) as his wingmate, a dollar-store beard for adama, and we're ready to turbo! Or not. Realizing that 20th-century Earth is too primitive to resist the cylons, a convoluted plan to seed advanced technology on Earth is concocted by adolescent savant dr. zee. Yes, the writing often struggles to rise above infantile. But they try, they really do! And you might be bowled over by "that guy"/ guest star juiciness. Add a reluctant Earth reporter (robyn douglass - BREAKING AWAY, THE LONELY GUY) who tosses her lot in with our heroes. All three leads are rather wooden, but let's give the benefit of the doubt and blame the writing.

-Galactica Discovers Earth

A (simulated) cylon attack on Earth! Flying motorcycles! Right out of the gate, robbie rist (THE BRADY BUNCH, THE BIONIC WOMAN) is so annoying as dr. zee, he'll be replaced by the fourth episode. And why didn't PLANET OF THE APES issue an injunction against his name? The classic cast is invoked in recycled credits images, and during some cringe-worthy exposition. We're off to Earth in this three-parter, as boxey (call me troy, please) and dillon make contact with a nuclear physicist (robert reed - THE BRADY BUNCH, ROOTS), to goose his research. Stow that smirk, reed's actually spot-on and well-written. If they were hoping to make it all feel more familiar by using guest actors who did classic sci fi turns, it works. Richard lynch, back from "Gun on Ice Planet Zero", is the ruthless commander xavier, who goes renegade (and back in time) to help create nazi superweapons. Pamela susan shoop (BUCK ROGERS "Vegas in Space", also featuring lynch), michael strong (STAR TREK "What are Little Girls made of?"), and sharon acker (STAR TREK "The Mark of Gideon") are also tantalizingly familiar. Our three heroes follow xavier. Look - an adorable jewish moppet running from a boxcar! They talk about a temporal prime directive...then say screw it. Part 3 meanders (devolves?) into a set-up for the following episode, wherein xavier has traveled to 18th-century america. But that plotline will be completely ignored, in favor of...
-The Super Scouts
It's tempting to make a joke about a shark-jumped franchise clearing a second shark, but let's not overstate the watchability of the first three episodes. This two-part affront to plausibility however, may be where your clearest memories of the show's awfulness reside - in the image of Galactica children posing as boy scouts, while being able to leap twenty feet because of planetside gravity differential. It all actually starts rather excitingly, with a cylon attack on a stray fleet ship (a sequence, however, that begs the question of where the line is between stock footage and clip show). Boomer gets in a viper! Troy and dillon manage to rescue twelve kids, but they can't make it back to the fleet, so they land on Earth and three of them get sick from polluted water, so they take on a chemical plant in an environmental crusade. Along the way, they're chased by two motorcycle CHiPies (including an uncredited james daughton - ANIMAL HOUSE, SPIES LIKE US). Dr. zee is now played by patrick stuart (EXIT TO EDEN, ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE), who gets to use his own voice but quickly proves that the problem wasn't the actor. We've got a fumbling sheriff, a conscienceless colonel, and a slimy industrialist (mike kellin - THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY, THE JAZZ SINGER) who has an ebeneezer scrooge moment with adama inside a UFO, and gets to show some delightful comedic chops. The more ominous the moment, the greater you may laugh - that has to count for something, right?
-Spaceball
Please, please, PLEASE tell me this is the low point of the series, or lordisa help me i'm getting the razor. It's no longer bad in a good way. Xavier is back...but richard lynch is not (it's not hard to imagine what happened - as the series villain, he asked for more money than the producers wanted to give). His new appearance is explained by evil cosmetic surgery (he's also five inches taller and has a british accent, so he MUST be evil!). He strands troy and dillon in a decaying orbit; throughout the episode, they cut back to them and the "drifting" effect is done by showing a still photo (yup). Taking care of the kids and trying to keep a low profile, jamie gets them into, um, a televised baseball game. Do they use their super-gravity powers to win the game? Go on, guess. Perhaps two year-olds might fall for this one, but any self-respecting three year-old would respond, "Is this a joke?" Given how hip three year-olds can be, you might even get the nigel tufnel accent.
-The Night the Cylons Landed
Why does whale music play whenever dr. zee appears? In the ONLY good space scouts scene ever (due to an incidental MST treatment years later), they watch a screening of THIS ISLAND EARTH. Then they're dispensed of and replaced by cylons, returning this entire two-part episode to the "so silly and wrong it's hysterical" groove. Troy and dillon go to NY where a ship is about to crash...but it's not colonial, it's a highly advanced cylon craft with a new breed inside - human replicas (during the BSG re-boot years later, one forgets that "human" cylons actually started here - isn't repressed memory a funny thing?). A humanoid and a centurion survive the crash, and set off for a radio station to send a signal back to the Empire. Coincidentally it's Halloween, and a couple (including william daniels - THE GRADUATE, KNIGHT RIDER) who work at a radio station pick them up, thinking they're in party attire. And it looks like another actor asked for a raise, as there's a new air force colonel on their tail, played by peter mark richman (THREE'S COMPANY, THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2). Part 2 descends (elevates?) into the most LSD-inspired galactica ever. Scooby doo dancing to "Zip a Dee Doo Dah". Cylons kidnapping wolfman jack. A centurion taken down by a microwave. Troy and dillon in white tuxes with tails, dancing to "The Good Ship Lollipop". Central Park toughs trying to mug cylons. What, you're waiting for me to tell you i made one of those up? Val bisoglio (M*A*S*H, QUINCY M.E.) joins the trip.
-Space Croppers
A ripping cylon attack destroys two agroships! We see the imperious leader for the only time this season...i beg you, turn the sound off while he's speaking. Desperate for food, Galactica sends troy and dillon to start a farm colony on Earth. They team up with an oppressed farmer (ned romero - SHANE, ROSWELL), and the episode turns into a parable about a greedy fatcat (dana elcar - THE STING, MACGYVER) trying to rub out all the little guys, with a dash of racism for good measure. Ana alicia (FALCON CREST, HALLOWEEN II), formerly starbuck-bedeviling aurora, is back as a randy farmer's daughter. We've also got five seconds of dennis haysbert (MAJOR LEAGUE 1-3, 24) as a viper pilot and walking apology to patrick macnee. When they change robyn douglass out of her frumpy reporter attire into dungarees, your hormones may go on point. For a generic 1980 network social drama, "Space Croppers" isn't awful. But it has nothing to do with a show once known as BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. The moment that may subconsciously traumatize you more than any scene in the series (and i can't really explain why), is when our heroes use their amazing leaping ability to...plant seeds. Hopping over the fields they go.
-The Return of Starbuck
I'm going to say something i've never said about any creation - there may not be a human alive qualified to review this. Is it awful? Even appalling, in more ways than one could enumerate? Yes. Is it also...wonderful? Maybe. Or maybe it's a just a balm on the wound that was inflicted on all those adoring fans who were too loyal to walk away from this season of hell. Starbuck, the one and only dirk benedict, is back. The set-up is actually a (gulp) dr. zee origin story. He has a dream in which a warrior is stranded on a barren planet with only the corpses of his enemies for company. He reanimates one of them, and the first cylon-human friendship is born. Seeing his friend's loneliness, cy (gary owens - LAUGH-IN, EUROPEAN VACATION) goes off and returns with a pregnant woman (judith chapman - THE FALL GUY, THE SWEETEST THING). A patchwork ship is built, and starbuck sacrifices his place aboard so that mother and child might survive. Cy sacrifices his own life, to save starbuck from a cylon patrol. The mother is from another dimension, and the baby dr. zee is finally found by the fleet, alone. I promise you, if you tendered that script to any fan in 1979, their response would have been incoherent wailing. And yet...it's dirk benedict, dear friends. As starbuck. And some of the scenes with cy actually come across with depth and resonance. Is it awful? Yes. But we may never see its like again.

"The Newsroom"

-created by aaron sorkin
2012-2014
Sorkin's fourth series, and his first failure. Not in the popular consciousness or ratings presumably, as it garnered a fair amount of respect and lasted three seasons. But NEWSROOM deserved the early axe that befell STUDIO 60 (which is all the more saddening, as STUDIO 60 itself deserved WEST WING acclaim). TV is a fickle mistress, indeed. Why does this show not work? All the elements were there - sorkin's writing, beautiful production values and directing, and a cast that was capable of brilliance. But amazingly, it's the writing that falls short. Despite occasional flashes of greatness, the show never gels. It was forever unbalanced, in search of a formula which would have made things click. You find yourself longing for more attention paid to the personal relationships, yet also more time showing series star jeff daniels in his news anchor chair, exposing the idiocy and hypocrisy of our troubled times. Without those, all that remains is a lot of behind-the scenes newsroom strife. Daniels was primed to give a career performance, as a cranky anchor who starts out more worried about being liked (think leno) than doing his job well. Up shows emily mortimer as a producer with whom he has a rocky past, but is ready to make him live up to his potential.You want desperately to care for all these characters, but the spacing gaps are too wide. It's a shame too, as daniels could have offered the first sorkin conservative to win the hearts (and perhaps some minds) of the audience. The yearning, fumbling relationship between jim gallagher jr. and allison pill was pure potential - criminally shortchanged. The reunited romance between daniels and mortimer was teased well, but once consummated we never see the intimacy that would have made us understand their bond. Sam waterston and dev patel are rocks, playing the only two characters handled appropriately. Olivia munn's nerdy, sexy, ball-busting brilliance was just begging to be shaped into an iconic character. Riley voelkel was quietly, sorely missed in season 3. Jane fonda and marcia gay harden offered all the juice you might want from recurring characters. Part of the problem was the HBO format - with seasons less than half as long as previous sorkin fare, you want to feel that they could have found the right balance, given more time (throw in an abbreviated final season, and you're left with barely more than the time it took WEST WING to get rid of mandy). The show starts out amazingly, with a series teaser that stands with sorkin's (or any television, period) best, as daniels has a meltdown on national TV after being asked in an interview why America is the greatest country in the world. Absolutely classic. But then, into the murk it descends. Sorkin diehards will need to see it all, but otherwise content yourselves to the pilot plus maybe the last two episodes.

atheisto

(an agnosticalament)
An agnostic is one who does not believe there is a god.
An agnostic is one who does not believe there isn't a god.
Why? Because either position requires some sort of direct knowledge of "godness". And by definition, knowledge of god is precisely what humans cannot have. If you understood god, you would BE god.
(That last assertion, however, may fairly be called suspect...for if "god" truly exists in some tangible reality, then it's indefensibly immodest to propose that humans might NEVER find a way to measure it's presence. Is there anyone alive truly qualified to put a limit on potential human knowledge?)
Forgive the digression. It can be so easy to do when invoking this ancient and foolish debate, as the vast majority will never be budged. Yet despite nigh-absolute intransigence on both sides, converts can (and will) be won. And statistically, that trickle flows in the non-religious direction.
See what i mean? A digression that produced a digression.
I have called myself an agnostic for nearly the entirety of my adult life. It's fit me like a glove. By any standard of rigorous rational thought, agnosticism is the correct choice.
And it's a choice i can no longer make.
The only critique that can be brought against agnosticism is intellectual cowardice - a clever way to avoid taking sides. That's a childish criticism, but as i go deeper into the reality of life on this planet, i find that agnosticism is a luxury our species can no longer afford. The stakes are too high. That said, there's also a fine chance the matter is moot. Realistically, we're past the point where any knowledge or intervention can prevent the self-destruction of our species (and most other non-insects as well). But if there's even a tiny chance that humanity may survive the unfolding ecological apocalypse, then tolerance of the forces that got us into this mess may prevent us from saving ourselves.
Am i saying that religion is responsible for the impending death of our oceans, and burning of our atmosphere?
Not quite.
Nor am i talking about war and terrorism in the atomic age. Although those may or may not play a huge part in our undoing, war is a complex endeavor. Yes, half of all current wars are directly traceable to religion, but even if you instantly removed every religious thought in the world, wars would not cease.
Yet religion is, above all, the eager embrace of ignorance. A superstition celebration. Lying hidden (or not so hidden) in the phrase "it's in god's hands", is an ethic of avoidance. "Thy will be done" absolves us of taking responsibility for who we are, for what we do, and the results thereof (i speak not of all believers of course, but the vast majority). You don't even have to invoke extremists yearning for the endtimes - go no further than those ordinary folk who see the rapacious violence we wage on ourselves and other species and entire ecosystems, and respond "It's part of god's plan". The litany of scientific advances that religion has fought to deny is chilling - astronomy, evolution, stem cell research...along with the social advances suppressed for decades or centuries - women's rights, minority rights, sexual freedom. Religion elevates intolerance into not just a human right, but a holy obligation.
Religion is NOT responsible for humanity's descent into barbarism - the enslavement of womankind and the agricultural revolution did that. But in the struggle to rise out of our darkness, religion is almost certainly the single most intractable obstacle.
Not long ago, i attended a mainstream church service, to support some friends who were performing. It had been a while since i'd been in any church. I did a double take when i heard the pastor start droning on about the "virgin mother". I was genuinely surprised, as there has long been no controversy among biblical scholars over whether "virgin" is a mistranslation. It's not even a question of interpretation - you don't need biblical scholars, any credible greek linguist will do. The Bible, as originally written, simply does not refer to mary as anything other than a "maiden".
It is laudable to acknowledge one's ignorance. It's something else entirely to revel in it.
It's just a story, you say? It gives comfort, that's all? I'm not convinced. Is it really so easy to compartmentalize a disregard for truth? We're not talking about tennis scores or tax returns, we're talking about a primary source of core values.
Having a virgin birth in STAR WARS is embarrassing. In real life, professed by people who actually procreate and hold jobs, it's terrifying.
And the most brazen example of willful religious ignorance isn't even mother mary - it's the acquiescence to the notion that god is male. HE created, HE punishes, HE forgives...i can almost forgive the leagues of women who can't even allow themselves to consider the possibility that this is the most noxious whopper ever concocted, as the stockholm syndrome is stronger than any of us. But all you thinking, pampered men out there, you really imagine that a being so superior that it's beyond space and time is...male? Not female, not both, not neither, just...male?
Your vanity, sirs, will soon be the end of life on this planet.
I know guys, i know, you don't really believe it, not deep down. But you've been in the catbird seat for so long, and nobody willingly gives up such intoxicating, sweeping power (don't worry...i won't tell the gals if you don't).
Some believers complain of feeling "persecuted" in the current social climate. I'm truly sorry when any kind of misery is perpetuated, but i can't muster much sympathy. If believers feel "persecuted", then they haven't done their homework. They haven't studied the mind-numbing atrocities that have been (and continue to be) committed in the name of religious propriety. Having your feelings hurt? You'd better come up with a word other than "persecution" right quick, or your pants are going to burst into flames.
I suppose the mormons at least will be wearing their holy flame-retardant underwear.
So have i become an atheist?
As loathe as i am to say so, i can no longer deny this outrage.
And to be honest, it's equal parts worldly concern and incredulity. It's so hard to believe that believers actually believe the things they profess. No human could be that willfully dumb. The obviousness of religious belief is so inescapable, it's...tawdry.
Humans know we are going to die. It's even possible that we're the only animals to have figured that one out. We will die. We've known it as far back as history records. DEATH - it's the only thing every human is born to do.
The fear underlying that knowledge is the most primal human fear. Psychologically, it is at the very core of what it means to be alive.
We get it. Death is scary. WE AGREE. But it's time to stop making an ass of ourselves, in order to prove the point.
I understand the desire to not think about unpleasant things. This world is a freakshow wasteland in which no one gets the love they need. Be assured, i engage in as much escapism as the next person (maybe even more, given the extent to which i face reality otherwise). But as real to me as mister spock is, i've never for a second imagined that he's...real. It's okay to say that we don't know what happens when we die (and that all available evidence points to that event being a non-happening, rather than a happening). It's okay to say that we don't know the meaning of life (and that maybe there is none). It's okay to say the word "die". Footballs pass away. People don't...except for the occasional dwarf, i suppose.
Take one moment to imagine how different your life would be if the fears of death and meaninglessness were swept away.
Or perhaps there's no need to ask, for that's exactly what religious people are doing every second of their life. Taking our most basic fear, and imagining that it's a lie.
I've created an invisible friend, and this friend says i'll live forever!
You know who creates invisible friends?
Lonely children.
We get it, we really do.
But it's all so obvious that my head spins.
Given the subconscious power of death, and the repressed loneliness we call "normal", the true miracle would be if there were NO holy men howling about the great beyond.
The tragedy is that many believers, even most, are thoroughly non-malicious. They're simply nourishing themselves on the strength given by communities who provide a sense of belonging, and obligation. Without that socialization, would children choose god? Don't ask me. Get the smartest clergyperson you can find, and ask them how many children raised in an open-minded, loving, superstition-free environment would choose god. Their answer might surprise you.
Is it about stupidity?
No!
Well...
Non-believers are smarter than believers. This is no longer just supposition or intuition. Comprehensive studies have been accumulated over the past eight decades, and the results are in (and indisputable). Non-believers are smarter than believers. In all cases and all times? Of course not. But in generalities statistically significant enough to be conclusive, religious people are flat-out dumber than non-believers.
Maybe this data shouldn't be taken at face value? Maybe it just means that smarter people are more self-important?
I'm sorry kids, but believers hold an unshakable monopoly on self-importance. To propose that a being which nobody can see thinks your species, or your tribe, is special above all other life...to propose that this being listens when you talk and can make you immortal, is a level of arrogance that no scientific-minded individual could ever be able to touch.
And if you think a bronze age fairy tale is going to save your life, you don't deserve to be saved.
Ah, the shame.
I'm an atheist.
Now, can we get to the business of saving this planet and creating a world based on sharing and caring and great sex? Who knows, if we all do this together, maybe we can knock it out in few decades...and then we can get back to being what we were born to be. Playful, clever, curious agnostics.
I love you all.

jump

You can't see the wounds
'til the damage is done
You can't see the course
'til the race has been run
Saving the world?
Just a dream in your head
Jump off the wheel
before you're dead dead dead