"F.A.R.T.: The Movie"

1991
-directed by Ray Etheridge
I watched this movie (not to be confused with Farley's F.A.R.T. movie) today!
Well...
More precisely, i watched twelve minutes and 21 seconds of it.
Because twelve minutes and 22 seconds would have been, um, 742 seconds too many.
It was a dollar store purchase. I didn't have high hopes, but for a buck...well, let's just say the filmmakers aimed solidly for the lowest common denominator.
And hit their mark.
Now understand, i'm pretty sure i'm no elitist. I remember being stunned when someone once opined that THE NAKED GUN was a "shallow" movie. If so, then i'll stand with the shallow.
But this movie was an insipid shame, because it had a great title. Rife with resonance. And as i wandered north of Port Authority tonight, looking for my favorite gag gift store (i needed a fake turd), i thought about what that movie should have been. Instead of some godawful wretchedness about a guy who farts all the time, it should have been a documentary. Stay with me, this could put some aspiring filmmaker on the map. The heart of the documentary would be interviews of people talking about farts. A multi-cultural epic, with the interviewees respresenting every country, color, and creed on the planet. A hysterical, barrier-bending film. We'd find out that every culture around the globe has their Uncle Lous extending their finger to a new generation. That every culture has their Grammy Griselles, whose sphincter control isn't what it once was (or so she claims). Beautiful.
In the process, we'd all become a little more human.
But this got me thinking that...i'm going to lose some of you. No really, i am. A part of me wants to think that my writing will be so compelling or funny or true that by golly everyone will love it. But for heaven's sake, i already almost lost my own mother because i mentioned boogers. And if i'm going to really embrace total openness in these writings...well then i'm really going to lose people. Because being real is still not the kind of world we live in. Your favorite actor or politician or uncle...if you were to really see exactly what their lives were, do you think you'd still idolize them? Probably not. Your friend/sibling/lover, if you suddenly viewed every thought they ever had and every deed they ever did, how much chaos would our society be plunged into? Beyond that, we're all kind of loony, each and every one of us. We all have our beliefs and views, and to us those views seem quite rational. But the process of getting to know someone almost always reveals that other people are morons! They must be, because they don't have our views. Even smart people who seem to share our views...eventually we peel away one layer too many and discover a moron! And even after we patiently try to set them straight, they don't get straightened! We're absolute loons, every one of us. We're loons because we think we're not.
So yeah, i'm gonna lose some of ya. Look around and hug the person reading this next to you, because who knows where the hell they'll be tomorrow, after they discover i talked about (blank) in my (blank) post. And i'm thinking particularly about a post-to-come, one that will endear me to some of you, but may well expose me as shallow and stunted to others.
Ah well.
Sadly, i learned tonight that my favorite gag gift store is out of business. Anybody have a spare fake turd? I can't promise you'll get it back after my planned practical joke...or rather, i don't think you'll want it back.