What an interesting and fun task. I’ve found it to be more subjective than the “best” list. My badness formula is: expectation, plus the severity of negative feeling excited, minus redeeming value. Therefore many horrible films aren’t on the list simply because of the expectation (or lack thereof) surrounding them. For example, we had the downward spiral of JAWS 2 and 3 to prepare us for REVENGE. And the reverse operates too, with one or two entries appearing only because of hopeful expectation. JEDI and Carrey’s GRINCH both hurt me more deeply than several films here, but they had redeeming qualities. With the human tendency to bury traumatic experiences, it’s also possible that i’ve simply lost the memory of certain deserving films. And of course there are any number of horrible films i’ve never seen (ZARDOZ, most SNL products…). But enough, time for the meat.
11) HOWARD THE DUCK
Watch it. I dare you. No, i double dare you.
10) BATTLEFIELD EARTH
I must confess something i’m not entirely proud of. I was actually hoping this film would be…not very good. Because of the scientology association. Please understand, some very dear friends of mine are scientologists, and there are some tenets of scientology which are goodly and evolved. But there are some wrongheaded principles (on homosexuality for instance, and other stuff that South Park dealt so beautifully with)…plus if the reports are correct, they employ Gestapo tactics in dealing with those who leave the fold. Scary stuff. But this movie…i felt almost guilty that i had wished it badness, for i never envisioned the stinking wretchedness that issued forth.
9) ALI G INDAHOUSE: THE MOVIE
This movie is quite nearly as awful as BORAT is good. So very, very nearly. An object lesson in…a young talent given a movie too soon? A young talent not having enough clout to call the shots in his own film?
8) GREASE 2
If you've not seen it, i recommend you watch the first fifteen minutes, and if your lips don't become semi-perpetually parted, then check for a pulse. I'm almost certain the producers had a behind-closed-doors meeting once the film was assembled, and agonized over doing the unthinkable, not releasing a film they had just invested 13 million dollars on. Mind......numbing.
7) Every Tarzan film made since…
At the very least, forty years worth of godawfulness. A four-decade parade of perpetual puke. Probably longer. There were some allegedly good ones in the sixties, but…i have my doubts. I was tempted to title this entry “every color Tarzan film”, for some of the black and white ones had charm. But even the Weissmuller films are profound failures when it comes to capturing the wonderfulness of the Burroughs novels. No movie has ever come close. And the versions of the past twenty-five years have been so off-the-charts wretched...let's try to leave this entry with a little dignity and not even think about which was worse, TARZAN IN MANHATTAN, GREYSTOKE, the Derek debacle, or the Van Dien one. It is to cry…
6) A VIEW TO A KILL
How did the franchise survive? Insufferably winky, horribly wooden (sorry, Tanya)…if you’d told me that a worse Bond than OCTOPUSSY could ever be made, i would have laughed.
5) SUMMER IN SAINT TROPEZ
David Hamilton pulls of the near-impossible. How, how, HOW in the name of sanity do you make naked french girls frolicking in paradise boring? He did it, somehow he did it. Within twelve minutes, mockery is the only defense. Even alone, you have no choice but to start verbally roasting the awfulness…
4) INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM
The devotion that RAIDERS engendered made the only sane reaction to this movie unbridled disgust. I can’t even bring myself to say the words…ohh…oh, okay we’re grownups here. I’ll say it. Short Round. There. I said it.
3) WYATT EARP
Great actors. Lawrence Kasdan. Kasdan, for *&^%’s sake! But this movie’s awfulness is soul-sucking and relentless. It sneaks up on you. In the first hour you’re still…hopeful. During the second hour you’re trying to wish away a creeping, horrible feeling. If you survive the whole thing, you feel nothing but dirty and violated. It’s one of only two movies that have ever left me physically ill. I was so shell-shocked and not in my right mind when it ended that i saw there were deleted scenes, and i…Odin help me, i watched them. Sometimes perversity is the only option. One of them provided the only moments of entertainment in four hours of screen time.
2) JOHNNY PNEMONIC
I have never experienced such a profound sense of embarrassment for actors on a screen. I couldn’t get through it. Not even close.
1) BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME
Hello, Mr. Tabot. Delighted you could finally join us. Right this way to your table, sir. You’ll be dining with the Rove/Bundy/Caligula party. The main course tonight will be acid. Uh, no, Mr. Tabot, not that kind… (author’s note: Hell, like real estate, is a figment of overactive human imagination).
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