nobility

Nobility hurts.
If it didn't, it wouldn't be nobility.
These thoughts came to me through recent romance. How often do we find nobility? Throwing yourself on a grenade, that's about as classically noble as one can get. But in this comfortable society, the opportunities for that kind of nobility are almost non-existent. There are relatively non-painful examples of nobility...a noble speech, or law...but on a day-to-day basis, pain is a pretty good indicator of nobility. Nobility is not bravery. Bravery deals with fear, nobility deals with values.
My own experience of nobility has most always come when romance was involved. Nobility is self-sacrificing. With each of the two women i've been profoundly in love with in my life, i acted nobly. I'm very proud of who i was and what i did. But it hurt. My nobility manifested in restraint. In each case, doors were opened to me. I chose to not go through those doors, knowing that if i gave in to the satiation of short-term desires, much unhappiness might result.
One of these women wasn't ready to love herself deeply enough to truly love another. I knew that rushing into something she wasn't ready for might poison the friendship and trust i was determined she would always, always have in me. I choked away a desire unlike any i'd ever known, one in which i drowned for two years. I knew that my sacrifice meant i might never hold her. But nothing was more sacred to me than never being careless with her. I did what i did happily, eagerly, but a price was paid.
With the other, i knew that her willingness to be physical with me was tied up in her desire to be free of one she loved, and probably her willingness that he be hurt, as she had been. I knew there was an excellent chance she would hate herself a bit if we gave in. The months of nights i spent holding her, always keeping desire in check, were some of the truest and most beautiful nights of my life. But a price was paid.
What happens when an impulse of love is twisted? What happens when emotions are cut off and choked? What was the cost of my nobility? There is a fabric of life in one's spirit, perhaps in the very universe as well. And my fabric was torn. A part of me wonders how entirely necessary it was...whether a goodly amount of my pain was due to the stupid fumbling of a society based on self-hating Judeo-Christian ethics. How (and this is the part that resonates particularly with my new situation) can any loving impulse be a threat to someone's happiness or security? Is there not a hole at the center of the human spirit that needs fixing?
Envy the brave. May we all know bravery.
But do not envy the noble, for they hurt. Giving up your spot on the lifeboat hurts. Caring for an ailing parent so another may chase their dreams, hurts. A parent who gives up a job they love to spend time with their children, they hurt. Falling on the grenade, it hurts.
Give the noble your admiration, but envy them not.