dear mom

Dear Mom,
It's still funny processing the pseudo-intervention you and Aunt Joyce laid on me. I love and forgive you, even if forgiveness isn't on your mind. Good intentions, and all. The idea that i might look back one day and see missed opportunities...it's amazing that you could come up with that, as i may be the LEAST likely person you'll ever meet, to know that feeling. It could almost be said that avoiding that feeling has been my life's focus.
On the other hand, it's not the least surprising you might feel something is "wrong". It's hard not to view children as an extension of ourselves. But we can only ever understand another person through the lens of our own fears and desires, our own insecurities and dreams.
I actually didn't mind Aunt Joyce's participation so much. There's a greedy part of us all that wants to be the "favorite" of someone we like, and my affection for her has maybe made you feel like day-old okra once or twice? I never meant that, but it may make you smile to know that she gets a free pass here, and YOU don't. She gets to misunderstand, she's not my Mom.
And don't think i'm taking this too seriously. I know your words had an "is it possible" quality.
So, not that you've earned an explanation, because i've never hidden who i am, but i'll give a little one anyway. Heck, understanding one's OWN self is well beyond most people, much less someone else. Still, we try.
Why am i not out there feeding the poor, righting wrongs, and saving the spotted owl? Or more modestly, why am i not the coolest prof on campus? I don't rule out any of those possibilities, but my drive to never waste a moment of life has always been focused on the things we give up to get society's "rewards", and the daily nonsenses that most people endure. My drive has always been focused on avoiding the wheel of material achievement (sacrifice + consumerism = good school/good job/great nursing home). For an agnostic, my response to the world is ridiculously spiritual. I'm profoundly driven, but not in ways that most people can recognize, for i understand that the human struggles are fleeting. With my life, i'd love for it to be said, "Man, that guy had fun". Perhaps the thing that sets me apart from most people, even smart people, is the ability to grasp a larger picture.
And in some ways, i'm selling myself short here to accomodate your myopia. I've run three theaters, touched the lives of thousands of students and disadvantaged, acted in eighty plays and films, created a modest body of literature, and touched many people in many ways. How much ambition do you want?
Just now, i'm not "in the world" as much, because i feel that maybe the greatest contribution i can give the world is my words. It's entirely possible that's just conceit. If so, fine, and along the way i'll have been filled with a sense of purpose and fun. I'm a debt-free burden to no one (except inasmuch as all Americans are a greedy, violent burden on the world). So...what's the problem?
It's also possible that there are things about my journey, my need to experience life in a certain way, that even i don't fully understand. If i were rich and celebrated, or a second grade teacher, would my life suddenly make sense to you?
No, i do appreciate your concern, but someday you may say "Hey, that wasn't one of my better moments". Don't sweat it. You know i love you.
see you soon,
wrob