Saturday, October 2, 2010

Charlie's Angels, season 3

1) Angels in Vegas *
Appalling. Irredeemably. Dean Martin hires the Angels to investigate a death at his casino. He and Sabrina become romantically involved, and they don't have nearly enough chemistry or well-written lines to get past Hollywood's dipping yet again (and again and again and again and again) into the old man/young woman well. They had the services of Scatman Crothers, Robert Urich, Dick Sargent in his second ANGELS stint, and Michael Conrad of HILL STREET BLUES, but the only people who could enjoy this one are bulimics.
2) Angel Come Home ****
She's BAAAAACK!!! Wheeeeeeee!!! Farrah returns from the European racing circuit, summoned by a counterfeit cable. The producers take the bull by the horns, starting off with a "reunion" between Jill and sister Kris, who'd never met onscreen. It works, touchingly so. The costume designers have fun...under accessories, Farrah's first costume is an iconic red swimsuit, with nipples exactly where we left them. Everyone gets caught up in a mystery involving a new engine design. Jill's fiance arrives, divinely played by Stephen Collins (SEVENTH HEAVEN's Rev, STAR TREK's Will Decker). Jackie Stewart drops in. And in the final scene, a surprise...it's lil' sis Kris who appears in a bathing costume that might make a gay man or straight woman reconsider.
3) Angel on High ***
A lovely episode about a client's search for a lost son, who turns out to be a free-spirited show pilot who wants no part of the millions he stand to inherit. Quick! Spot the BEASTMASTER actor!
4) Angels in Springtime ***
A middling episode brightened by a climactic fight between Kris and guest star Nancy Parsons (Beulah Balbricker, PORKY'S). Actually, not "fight" so much as a bend-over ass-whupping, with Kris in the supine position.
5) Winning is for Losers **
How, how, HOW do you trot out an episode this bad for Casey Kasem and Jamie Lee Curtis (pre-HALLOWEEN)? The writing is so dreadful that pity is the only reasonable response. Casey plays an LPGA announcer who is only marginally more convincing than Gilbert Gottfried might be. Jamie doesn't fare much better as a young pro; i hope it was the director who made her smile like it's all silly fun shortly after being shot at. The sexiness meter never wavers from flaccid, either. The only thing that saves this episode from one-star land is a scene so over-the-top that hysterical laughter is guaranteed. Jamie and Kris tumble from a collapsing bridge, and Kris promptly fights off not one, but TWO alligators. Bare-handed. Ten-footers.
6) Haunted Angels **
Whenever the writers gave David Doyle just a few extra lines, he shone. Bosley gets all het up in this one about "fraud quack psychics". Quick! Who can spot Henry Blake? Not that one, the other one...
7) Pom Pom Angels ***
A charming episode, with lots of "oh that guy!" moments, like Ben Davidson (CONAN THE BARBARIAN). The Angels infiltrate a professional football cheerleader squad to investigate disappearances. It's kinda sexy, and the action sequences are silly and fun.
8) Angels Ahoy ****
The Angels return to a cruise ship, to investigate a criminal-smuggling operation. No, not criminals smuggling, criminals BEING smuggled. Sabrina plays a lowlife on the lam, and Kelly plays cruise director. This one has it all, starting with Bosley, who falls for a passenger who turns out to be the ringleader. A happy dose of sexiness comes from - surprise - Kelly! She's eye-popping in her jazzercise outfit, showing off shapelier legs than you'd have guessed. And of course, an action climax so over-the-top that all you can do is guffaw with delight. A bunch of baddies plan to drown Kelly in the ship's pool, the cause of death being "drunkenness". She's dead sober, but they'll fix that by, um, tossing booze on her. How it's going to get in her bloodstream is a mystery, but the baddie taunting her as he repeatedly throws gin in her face is too, too classic. They chuck her in, then bring out the murder weapons...POOL SKIMMERS!!! Yes, those lightweight net tools that remove detritus. They're going to push her under! It's so ridiculous that it's sublime.
9) Mother Angel ***
Farrah's second return is a bit anti-climactic, as the writers gave it an "oh, she happened to be in the neighborhood" feel. The episode starts slowly, but picks up nicely. Samantha is a precocious, troubled orphan, a fascinating character played by Olivia Barash. She witnesses her Aunt's ex commit a murder, but no one believes her. The Angels are finally on the case, with Jill as Sam's personal (sigh) bodyguard. Gary Collins and Robert Davi are satisfying baddies. Sabrina and Kelly making cross-eyes at each other while undercover, is thoroughly charming.
10) Angel On My Mind ****
Are you stunned that i'm not caterwauling like a harpy because Jonathan Frakes guest stars? The reason i'm not shrieking is because this one is so excellent it actually outshines Commander William T. Riker. It achieves a four-star rating without causing a spike in the sexiness meter, something no other four-star entry has done. And there's a moment of action so sudden and realistic, you're completely unprepared. Classic ANGEL action makes you laugh, not scream in alarm. Kris witnesses a murder, and the killer creams her with his car. She comes to, not knowing who she is, and wanders off. She ends up alone on a desolate beach. The best ANGEL episodes occasionally had a dark quality. Three men stalk her, and the looks in their eyes can only end in rape. There's a poignant scene with an old drunk who befriends her. Nine years before NEXT GENERATION, Frakes is a beach partier who feeds Kris (Cheryl looks so much like his eventual wife, Genie Francis of GENERAL HOSPITAL, it's downright eerie). The other Angels search for her, not knowing that the killer is also searching. As she slowly recovers her identity, there is genuine poignance as she contrasts the innocence of her childhood with her present life, full of "angry people". In the final scene, you can tell she's still shaken, and will be for a long time. All that, plus Billy Barty as a newspaper salesman.
11) Angels Belong in Heaven *
Ewwwwf. An unknown acquaintance of Charlie's puts a hit out on one of the Angels. At times it threatens to pass over into "so bad it's good"...there's an MST3K moment that could have you giggling for hours...but most of the time it's just so bad. One hopes that the actors were at least able to amuse themselves with the wretchedness. "That guy" baddie extraordinaire Lloyd Bochner drops in.
12) Angels in the Stretch **
Off to the races (horses, that is). A middling effort featuring David Hedison (VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, the first two-time Felix Leiter).
13) Angels on Vacation ***
Entertaining and tight, from start to finish. Bosley and the Angels visit Kris' small-town relatives in Arizona, but all is not well. Baddies have most of the town's women held hostage. The rest of the townfolk try to scare the Angels off, but soon...well, you know. Tons of "oh, that guy" richness.
14) Counterfeit Angels ***
No, they don't foil a counterfeiting scheme. There are actual counterfeit Angels running around, robbing people. A silly episode, with an underused Bubba Smith.
15) Disco Angels ***
The Angels return to the disco world, to investigate the deaths of old men in the vicinity of a discotheque. The episode starts out with a bang, as the producers popped for red-hot hit "Disco Inferno". The episode is rich, baby, rich with "that-guy" moments, and nicely-dosed with sexiness by Kris, following in big sister's steps as an undercover disco instructor.
16) Terror on Skis ***
Charming. More holes than swiss tofu, but simply charming. They protect a high-ranking government official competing in a skiing pro-am, played by Dennis "Who the hell do i gotta boink to play a good guy around here" Cole (in his third ANGEL stint, and now Mr. Jaclyn Smith offstage). He and Kelly spark romantically (surprise), but it's very nice. Curiously, he bought his snowsuit at the Darth Vader surplus store. The government security head brings the Angels in because their faces are unknown...then proceeds to de-brief them in the lodge lobby. There are delightful, unexpected visuals, such as ski dancing, mountain fireflies, and ski mimes. No, really. There's an hours-long chase scene that makes NO sense whatsoever, but...it's so much fun you can't say no. The charm is multiplied by endless snowmobile, skiing, and ski lift shots with fake backgrounds imposed. If you ever wondered what Cesare Danova followed up ANIMAL HOUSE (Mayor Carmine DiPasto) with, wonder no more. He's a, whattayacallit, baddie. This one has a slightly surreal scene as hostage Sabrina transforms a militant idealist into an, um, nihilist. Kris has a smaller part, yet she gives the most touching, realistic line reading she ever gave as an Angel, when she is gently kissed, and says "Well, hello".
17) Angel in a Box ***
Farrah's back, chapter 3! It starts off auspiciously, with Kris kidnapped. The kidnappers identify her as Jill, who soon re-joins the crew. An enormous misdirection is uncovered. The mastermind? John Colicos, who filmed this in the middle of his Baltar season on BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. He plays a grieving father who blames Jill for the death of his son, a race driver who crashed. Colicos is not chewing his usual scenery. Jill explains that the son, her friend and ex-lover, died because he was a bad driver trying to make his father happy. Just when you think John will be swayed, he ain't. The episode never gels, but it's nice. If you don't know what it feels like when your loved one gets a haircut you hate, Farrah has a feathered thing going on, and it just doesn't work. Layered good, feathered bad.
18) Teen Angels **
So bad it's almost good. The Angels go undercover at a girl's college, after a student is strangled. Kelly and Sabrina are teachers, Kris is a student, and Bosley shovels shit. They uncover a booze/pills ring, run by uber-alpha mean girl Audrey Landers. Egregious badness abounds, but Audrey plus a climactic chase in which the Angels are sidehacking (i kid you not...see MST3K's "The Sidehackers" if you don't know what the heck i'm talking about), rescue this one from one-star land. Art teacher Sabrina has Kris model for the class, but a golden opportunity fizzles. There's also a bizarre, unintentionally-erotic abduction of Kelly.
19) Marathon Angels ****
That......was......wild. This is what the TV saw, were it looking my way: wrob scrinches his eyes. He leans forward. He sits back. His jaw drops. His head lists to the side. He laughs. He squints. His head slowly swivels back and forth, slack-jawed. He laughs. Repeat cycle until end of episode. Okay, take a breath, and...Angels respond to the abduction of two runners on the day of a marathon. Kris and Kelly go undercover...by running in the marathon! Not one day of training! Three of the runners break into a tap routine. Sheiks and sheik flunkies are running around. One of the runners has a large snake in her backpack. This episode renders LSD superfluous.
20) Angels in Waiting ***
Bosley's finest hour, the first episode ever to feature him as central character. It's alternately funny, frisky, and poignant, a la tears of a clown. He abandons the Angels at the office after meeting a strange woman during lunch break. He unloads on them about being underappreciated, and challenges them to figure out where he is when he calls in during the day...until they can, they must do the office paperwork. Out in the real world, he romances the lady while being stalked by James Sikking (lt. Hunter, HILL STREET BLUES). A fantastic episode for our wonderful David Doyle.
21) Rosemary, for Remembrance **
Oh man, did that fall apart. It starts out sharply, with murder attempts on a prohibition-era boozelord just released from prison. Kris is assigned to be his bodyguard, and she has an uncanny resemblance to his wife who was murdered forty years ago, a crime still unsolved. She starts to dress as the wife, to help him dislodge suppressed memories. A beautiful episode that spirals into the tank.
22) Angels Remembered ***
From the amount of laughter this one induced, it MUST be four stars...but no, i'll not break the unwritten commandment saying thou shalt not give highest marks to a clip show. The laughter came from the moments between the clips. The lead-in lines are so hysterically obvious, it was episodes like this that killed clip shows forever. But thisn's a gem. Sexy and funny, times three. The cure for any humdrum party! Kate Jackson heads off into the sunset...if they knew this was her swan song, no one showed it. Farewell, sweet Kate. Go get that Scarecrow.

1 comment:

John Jones said...

Is there ANYTHING Kris can't do? Go all Vertigo on a guy? Check. Smack down some serious swamp monsters? Check. Smack down the creepiest of all the Porky's characters? Check. Work a bathing suit thinner than scotch tape? Checkity check checkorama.

One editorial correction. "It's little sis Cheryl Ladd who appears in a bathing costume that might make a gay man or straight woman reconsider." You can change "might" to "always does."