dear mom leftovers

(a follow-up to http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2010/10/dear-mom.html)

Looking back over the piece, in terms of explaining me, it's really so insufficient as to be comical. I feel as if i could spend a lifetime coming up with different levels, angles, and questions of self-understanding. If i saw somebody demanding an accounting from someone like me, my blood would freeze at the sheer, callous blindness.
But i'll yammer on in that milieu anyway, as loose ends keep rolling...
That my choices seem inscrutable to anyone, strikes me as silly. It just seems so patently obvious that ANYONE walking my shoes would make exactly the choices i've made. Is it possible there's some kind of denial/coping device that makes me think that? I don't think so, but i could be wrong.
On another level, i sometimes wonder whether one of my deepest motivations is simply to NEVER do what is expected of me. As soon as somebody says, "wrob should do this", is it almost guaranteed i'll never do that? I will not be pigeon-holed, pegged, or defined by ANYONE, the child silently vowed. Yet that theory has holes (or does it?). I'm very communal-minded, and i remember somebody once saying, "why on earth aren't you writing poetry"? Ten years later, i was writing poetry. Of course, maybe i'd already had that idea, and was just waiting until i had something to say?
On yet another level, living in this society, it seems just the purest common sense to have at least one foot off the grid, and not live a life that endorses this greedy, bloody land we live in. It takes a special kind of cognitive dissonance to not be appalled with the U.S.A. For example, seen up close, the most inhuman horror of the twentieth century is the Holocaust...yet there's a good chance that when history's annals are written, the atomic bombings of Japan will be looked upon as the most horrific event ever perpetrated by the human race. That's what cognitive dissonance does, it makes the unthinkable okay.
So is my psychological need to confound simply purest good sense, or is it some drive i understand not? I feel like i control it, and that i'm happy to not confound people who aren't crying for a spiritual wakeup.
But that begs the question, am i the person most qualified to understand myself, or am i the person LEAST qualified? This is one of the chief conundrums of self-awareness. To what extent is any of us able to see past our own vanity, conceit, fear, and all-around bullshit?
I'm doing my best.
And beyond all these levels, there's an element of "dumb like a fox". In a way that i can't explain, i have this sense that one day even spiritually-challenged people will walk away from me saying, "There goes the luckiest guy ever".
There's probably another level coming.
Just wait a few minutes...