I'm injecting a new phrase into our lexicon of cinematic terms: "the jaws spiral". This describes a franchise that starts out with a film that is fantastic or delightful - each sequel, however, gets progressively worse. JAWS is the archetype because it fits the pattern perfectly (and "the jurassic park spiral" lacks syllabic economy). Here are classic spirals, near-spirals, and non-spirals. Why would i focus on the negative, instead of merely cherishing the first one? Because wrong is wrong, accountability is good, and who the fuck is minding the store?
JAWS: yes
The second one was so close to being worthy. But then (pardon the pun) the franchise "jumped the shark" with 3D, and with nothing left but to mock our pain, burped out JAWS: THE REVENGE. Couldn't they have just written a script wherein Michael Caine believes he's a killer shark? Hell, i'd pay good money to see that.
JURASSIC PARK: yes
What makes this such a classic example is the almost painfully precise trajectory. The first sequel feels like the original, but something's a little off. It leaves us with a flicker of hope for the next one, however. But then we spin further down, the last one making us scream "Nooooooooo!", like a demented Shatner.
PLANET OF THE APES: no
While the original was transcendant, and the Burton fiasco makes a compellingly vomitous bookend, the others just fall into an indistinct blur of "eh". This is the fate of many franchises. I don't think anybody out there was hoping for BEVERLY HILLS COP/CROCODILE DUNDEE/MAJOR LEAGUE III, but they came anyway.
THE GODFATHER: ?
Perhaps. I'm not qualified to say, as i couldn't get through the second, and didn't even attempt the third. And frankly, i didn't think the first one was all that great (my assessment parallels Peter Griffin's...it in-sists upon itself). In addition, i nominate James Caan's Sonny as the most miscast role in film history.
BATMAN: yes*
Ugh. We kept having hope, and they kept rolling out the turds. Some of you defend BATMAN RETURNS, but stop it. It wasn't worthy. (* pre-Christian Bale)
POLICE ACADEMY: no
This doesn't work when the first is only marginally less wretched than the hellspawns. I only mention this one because we're way past overdue for Gutenberg's resurrection film.
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So write in, readers! Have i missed any? SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT or OH, GOD! or TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES, perhaps?
1 comment:
Best. Post. Ever
1. "like a demented Shatner." Redundant?
2. "We're way past overdue for Gutenberg's resurrection film." Guttenberg is terrific. Let's have a Cocoon remake when he's as old as Hume Cronyn was in the early 80s.
3. "i didn't think the first one was all that great (my assessment parallels Peter Griffin's)." Right on. It in-SIN-uates itself.
4. "i nominate James Caan's Sonny as the most miscast role in film history." Rent Godfather III, and you'll see a role that bumps this one to a distant second.
5. "with nothing left but to mock our pain, burped out JAWS: THE REVENGE. Couldn't they have just written a script wherein Michael Caine believes he's a killer shark?" This works on about 5 different levels is the funniest thing you've ever written; it surpasses Rohti Sex (if not the experience of Rohti sex).
6. Did you fall in love this week? You're on fire here.
7. Michael Caine as a killer shark. Tee hee hee hee.
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