taryn

WOMEN 81 (supplemental)
Can you relate to putting the romance/sex part of a relationship on the shelf indefinitely, and have that be an act of moving toward your partner, not away?
Yes, that can be a lot to swallow, especially if the idea's not yours, and you were delighted with the romance/sex part. To taryn's credit, it wasn't long before she became excited at the prospect of becoming genuine friends with me. She's never had a deep, true male friendship. That alone seemed reason enough to choose that path (which a part of her agrees with). And okay, she was tempted to wake me up and throw me into the street the night i made this request, and she did write an anti-rob rant on her blog, but...she didn't throw me out, and soon felt bad (a little) about the rant.
I haven't written about us much, having realized that writing about romance is sometimes better with distance. Clarity is easier. A part of that is a function of our society's dysfunction...with my dream lover, there would be no need of holding back any thought any time. I'd noticed with annie, i didn't really write about the nuts and bolts of our relationship until we'd broken up. I held back mostly for her peace of mind. I can call her by her given name now, as she's not around to be bothered by my openness.
My poor mind was splintering in the month taryn and i were lovers. Which isn't her fault...much to her credit, she's displayed a rare level of gentleness and forbearance. That's no small thing, as for much of her life she's reacted to intimacy with strident, knee-jerk reactions.
But being her lover made my head fracture, and it wasn't getting better.
She thought my request revealed a need to be in control, but it was about knowing that we weren't centered and wide open with each other. At times, her life reminds me of the saying "Look ma, I'm dancing as fast as i can". I went to that place with her, because i felt reckless. But the more i got to know the fragile, unique person she is, the harder it became. I'm not cut out to be someone's lover unless i know i have what it takes to cherish them in the way they need to be cherished (and that they have what i need). She has abandonment issues, so severe that she has trouble saying goodbye. No, not the "have a good life" variety, i mean the "see ya soon" variety. She maintained that she was in charge of her own healing, and needed no one else's help. I agreed we must take that responsibility for ourselves, but i also aver that we NEED real life experiences to learn how to trust others, and ourselves. Unless we find the right people, we'll never heal.
We have considerable incompatibilities, and lovely compatibilities too...i don't think i've ever known someone with whom i have such an opposite/alike personality.
Astrology and past lives and the Law of Attraction are a big part of who she is. Although i explore the Law of Attraction, she's way down that rabbit hole. I believe in coincidence.
Makeup was another doozy. She loves high heels, and the made-up life. I told her once to never worry about saying anything that might floor me, as she'll never top her admission that she's considered getting cosmetic surgery someday.
And sometimes her humor goes over my head! She can be so earnest, and then tell me she's joking. I'm used to people not getting my humor, but rarely is the shoe on the other foot. It's possibly because i'm off-balance or dense, or it could be some kind of coping misdirect mechanism in her.
On the happy side, she's gotten to the point where she laughingly loves the low-maintenance aspect of being with me. And it's deeper than that. Perhaps the most touching thing she ever told me was her reaction to my "kiss and no makeup" article, which is essentially a diatribe against a core part of her. It made her re-evaluate that part of her life.
It's very humbling to affect someone like that.
But it sometimes seemed she liked me so much that she was willing to change herself for me. Early on, she told me she was into rough sex, and roleplaying, and drugs to enhance sex, but then seemed to lose interest in those things. I don't reject that as insincere out of hand, but...one should be suspicious of discarding old preferences too quickly. Romance has to be about equality, and she often seemed content to place herself below me in intelligence (a thought that hadn't occurred to me). She said that she's not a starfucker, but a talentfucker.
Was my recklessness magnified by her own "star" power, the fact that she'd been a Rockette for seven years? A little.
I told her i wanted no part of her changing for my sake. Early on, she thought that i did, and started to resent me for it...this wasn't too hard to trace, she did so herself, telling me her last boyfriend had tried to change her in the opposite direction, urging her to wear more makeup and be more surface-conscious.
I'm a fan of growth, but changes have to be for yourself.
One of her more compelling qualities is self-awareness. She's worked hard to become so. Another similarity is that she's extremely energy-aware, in terms of the body. In addition to being a dancer/actor (a featured extra in the upcoming Smurf movie!), she's a pilates master and licensed massage therapist. I've been doing massage most of my life, but never with formal training. She told me, however, that she's learned things about massage through being touched by me.
Her self-awareness doesn't come without a big dose of self-consciousness, though. And she likes secrets...relationship secrets, to protect the other's feelings...and that sort of thing just tears me up. Early on, she started having a jealous/possessive response. Given my contentious relationship with monogamy, and my wounded headspace wanting only the simplest of healing, and the fact that i hadn't stopped being attracted to other women, it was easy to foresee it coming to some hurtful, emotional end.
One way in which i may have failed us, is in how i let the specter of STDs get into my head. She told me she'd led a very active life, in ways that can only be described as high-risk. She talked about STDs she'd had (HPV, chlamydia). She very much looked forward to us both getting tested, so we could have sex without a condom, something she hadn't done in a long time. Though i tried to be unconcerned, i knew that condoms don't stop all STDs. It didn't help that a couple weeks after we met, i got a red spot on my cheek. I researched it, and the only STD it matched was second-phase syphilis...but i'd showed no first-phase signs, and it seemed much too soon for a second-phase symptom. The spot is finally fading, and yes, it played with my mind. That plus her planter's warts. My last relationship had the specters of herpes (hers) and athlete's foot (mine)...such a headfucking crapload of things out there to make one leery of simple human touch.
Alarms were going off in my head early on, when i realized i was thinking about other women while having sex with her. That's not necessarily unhealthy, but not so much so soon. And it's not "me"...i'd never before imagined another woman while having sex.
Taryn didn't perceive the self-defeating aspect of jumping right into sex, when you have abandonment issues. She doesn't see that as setting herself up to get creamed.
And even though my physical attraction was genuine (i adore her physique...touching her is a delight, she is above all a physical warrior), it was also limited. And that's not just the makeup. I don't rule out the possibility of becoming more physically attracted to her in the future, but there wasn't enough pure attraction to scare away the angels of my better judgment.
It's likely, however, that had she pushed all my physical attraction buttons, she and i would still be lovers. I'm too weary to be a saint.
But at a certain point, the physical and spiritual can't be separated...sexual desire for another human is never 100% physical. The second you walk into a room, you reveal a million things about yourself.
Ultimately, the thing that freaked me out most was the possibility of hearing another woman say "You're the best lover i've ever had", and feeling emptiness in return.
So we continue to spend time together...hanging out, watching bill maher, getting indian takeout (garlic naan dipped in coconut soup, mmmmm), reading to each other...trying to just "be".
Despite all my off-balanceness, and her emotional baggage, she's doing a wonderful job manifesting kindness. Just now, as i write this, she sent me a note talking about my "gentle energy magic". Not bad for someone who felt like she'd been "dumped" just a short time ago.