we love you, conrad

BYE BYE BIRDIE
THEATER 10
-spring 1986
I was all set for an incredible, glorious Youth Club play my senior year. The first sign of trouble was when it was announced that Valda wouldn't be directing. Taking her place was an unknown named Sue Janzer. When the show was announced, disappointment mounted. BYE BYE BIRDIE was one of the dusty musicals from which JOSEPH had been such a welcome break. Judi wouldn't be returning to choreograph, either. Determined to make this turkey as great as we could, i set my sights on the role of Albert, the well-meaning songwriter/agent of "Elvis" rock star Conrad Birdie. I'd never had a romantic lead. Cathy O'Brien asked me to prepare with her. We spent hours working on Albert and Rosie. She'd never had a lead, but our audition felt good. Don, last year's Elvis-Pharoah, had dropped out, leaving no obvious candidate for Birdie (my nemesis, Dean Mix, had also finally left). When Sue asked me to sing a Birdie song, Cathy whispered, "Blow the song. Blow it!" I was tempted...but was too much of a trooper. I growled out an Elvis impersonation, to much clapping. As i sat, Cathy called me a dummy. I held out hope, but when the cast list went up, there was my name next to Birdie. Agh! In retrospect, if i'd tanked the Birdie song, perhaps i wouldn't have even been cast as Albert. Albert was senior Jim Shannon, a better technical singer than i. We sang together in the school choirs that year, and got along. I don't know if he knew how much i had wanted his part. Not many did. Cathy and Ken, and my parents (my Dad returned as an assistant director). They tried to convince me that Birdie was the better part, but i wasn't listening. I suppose Sue knew, too. In retrospect, i wasn't as understanding of her as i could have been. She was just making choices i likely would have too, but i never went out of my way to make her feel welcome (sorry Sue, you were a fine director). And surprise, Cathy got Rosie! I sometimes wonder whether our relationship might have taken a romantic turn if we'd been cast together. The fact that she was a lifelong loyal Youth Club senior may have factored into her casting; i found out later that one of the pastors had lobbied on her behalf. I wasn't proud of that. Anyway, i did end up having a good deal of fun being Birdie. A petulant, oversexed rock star with lots of one-liners, and songs that got the show jumping…and i consoled myself that i was the title character two years running, wondering when that had happened before, if ever. My old buddy Ken finally landed a good part (playing a hairy Ishmaelite wasn't the high point of his life, he understatedly revealed in later years). He was Mr. Macafee, the grumpy father, and he did great. Heidi Stohler played Mrs. Macafee, and Kim was played by Katie Atkinson. She and Jim Shannon had a little "America's Sweethearts" thing going. Little brother Randolph was Dave Paine, mugging his way through another role. Kim's boyfriend Hugo was junior Jim McLaine, a great guy. Dustin Coleman, a senior i'd been bemused by for years, played the Mayor. Finally, Albert's stereotypically-Jewish mother was wonderfully played by junior Erica Rhodes. I branched out that year into unofficial assistant musical directorship. Noticing that Kim's "One Boy" number dragged a bit, i borrowed from the movie and rearranged the song into a duet with Hugo. Much better. I also did the voice of Ed Sullivan, and was almost a teenybopper girl in the "Telephone Hour" number. I had a strong falsetto, but couldn’t quite sell the idea to Sue (in retrospect, maybe i was overcompensating a bit, out of frustration with not being Albert...what, i was going to take the one solo line some poor freshman had?...or maybe i didn't even want a line, i just wanted to be onstage every possible second). Longtime buddy Dave Jorgensen had a great moment as the last Elk to dive under the table. And dubiously famous was the quartet number "Talk to Me", which Albert sang with Ned Sanderson, Chuck Bunting, and Rusty Brink. My Dad's background was in barbershop, but he was never able to get them to produce, uh…music. Chuck, a sophomore, had great presence in the little role of the bartender. One of the great all-time missed entrances occurred when junior Becky Ellis was supposed to lead a group of concerned parents onstage. One night they left Jim and Ken to babble on for thirty seconds or so, producing classic ad libs that bring howls of laughter to this day. And one of the great missed notes in musical theater history was given to us by Ken. Heidi, Katie, and Dave are singing away on pitch, and Ken puts out his solo line "Just you wait and seeeee…" Somewhere, a dog is still twitching. The funniest moment i ever saw on a Youth Club stage was when Mrs. Albertson is listening to me go on about how i'm tense, and need a little female action. Erica shows some leg, and asks in her yenta voice "Have you ever considered a more mature woman, Conrad?" I look at her and say, "Man, I hope I never get that tense". Wonderful. I had great costumes, a leopard-skin robe i wear to this day, an all-gold suit, and my first experience in drag. The best moment was in rehearsal. Katie's little sister Bridget was six. Hugo was out one night, and we were doing the scene in which i grab Kim for a kiss, saying "Okay babe, brace yourself!" Hugo runs out of the crowd and belts me, saying "Brace yourself, Conrad Birdie!" I took Bridget aside and asked if she could do Hugo's line, then punch me out. She nodded. The moment came, she stepped right up, said the line, and sent me sprawling. I can't even tell you how long that room kept laughing. The show went over fine, but nothing special. Before opening night, the cast listened to a recording of Jim Prosser singing "One Shining Moment", which became a yearly tradition. After closing night, we had the cast party at the church. No shades-of-Sodom sleepover like the year before. But i didn't mind, and wasn't shedding any tears over the end of an era, already immersed as i was in my next play. At the talent show a couple weeks later, my final Youth Club, i sang Styx's "Babe", dedicating it to the younger classes. Pretty sappy, but there were many tears. That night, as i had done for him the year before, Dave passed on the Teddy Bear Award to Erica, with an actual teddy bear. Farewell, Youth Club. I loved you.