sexuhomoality

Like most in this society, i grew up in a homophobic environment. There was a measure of tolerance in my family, but only relative to gay bashers waving fists or placards. As a child, i had the unspoken message drilled into my head "HOMOSEXUALITY IS BAD, it is disgusting and weak, it is to be scorned and mocked". There were few taunts more degrading than "gayboy". In the strange dynamic that was my home life, this taunt was usually given in a playful manner. However mirthful, the underpinning message was unmistakable. As a male, to be a homosexual would be to shame myself, my family, and my country in the profoundest way possible (lesbianism wasn't copasetic either, but in the culture of macho, it wasn't the target of as much fear or hatred).
To put myself into the shoes of a human with gay tendencies growing up in my world, to imagine what that would feel like, to allow that reality to sink into my bones as much as i can, is to feel my stomach begin to turn. The horrific inhumanity a gay person would have been subjected to is a far more maiming and crushing spiritual reality than virtually any heterosexual will ever experience. Our world is becoming more tolerant, but most "out" homosexuals have still needed a kind of courage that few straights will ever understand. To be suddenly thrust into that reality would make most straights fall to their knees, puke, and hide forever.
At a certain point in one's spiritual growth, when you've come to understand all the vitriolically homophobic propaganda you ingested as a child, you ask, "Is it possible i'm in some degree gay, but could never have even allowed that thought to exist?"
There have been a few people in my life who were surprised that i've never had any homosexual experiences. This has generally been a compliment, i think, of the abnormally high levels of tolerance and uninhibitedness in me (as opposed to examples of finely-attuned gaydar?).
By the time i was a young adult, i was fond of saying that were i a woman, i would never have anything to do with a man sexually. A defiant sapphic goddess, i'd be! This was a reflection of the horror engendered in me by the history of sexual politics, and the subjugation/degradation of women for uncounted millenia. I was so aware of how far we still were from genuine freedom and equality, that i'd never allow myself the indignity of coupling with a male. Perhaps though, there was an undercurrent of heterosexuality being expressed there, in that my "alternate" me was still lusting after women. And perhaps my proclamation was also the tiniest bit disingenuous, as my essential core being has always been heterosexual, so to propose that my alter-ego would be gay is a curious proposition, no?
Nevertheless, in a female incarnation, i feel fairly comfortable saying that XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS would be my all-time favorite show (whether VOYAGER would be my favorite TREK series, is another question altogether...a feminist agenda can only take one so far).
Anyway, by the time i settled into adulthood, i embraced the view that human sexual expression is a malleable thing, and that given the right circumstances, most any human will express the widest range of sexuality. Underpinning this is the belief that none of us are purely "gay" or "straight", and that sexual orientation is rather like a bell curve. Profoundly gay people are as rare as profoundly straight ones, and most of us fall further in, where inclination is a more mixed batch. So how do i fit into that curve? To reach a level of complete self-awareness with that kind of question, to be able to excise the socialization that was hammered into you from the very first moment of your awareness...even extremely self-aware people often cannot fully manifest such self-realization. That said, i'm comfortable living in the very dominantly heterosexual shoes i've always worn, and fancy it would take a rather extraordinary set of circumstances to bring about any homosexuality in me. I've long been open to sharing a woman with another man, even at the same time, if we all loved each other. But though that's atypical intimacy, it's not homosexuality.
So what of homosexuality and me?
The first man (youth, really) who expressed any hint of attraction to me (and it was really more the hint of a hint), at a time when i was a callow youth myself, i turned away from with finality, though he was a friend.
The first man who openly expressed desire for me was a college friend. We had been buddies in the theater department for several years. I'd never really thought about his orientation. After he'd announced that he was leaving school, we saw each other at a party. In a room upstairs, he told me he'd been flirting with me for a long time. He was stunned when i told him i hadn't picked up on it. He laid his hand on my collarbone. I genuinely liked him, but led him back to the party, and let him drift out of my life.
I've had one homosexual dream in my life, that i can recall. Sometime in my twenties, i dreamt that i was a teenager. I was at a gas station at night, near or in some city. The lighting had the surreal quality of malfunctioning neon. On the ground near the pumps, i was having missionary sex with Pam, a black girl several years older than me in high school. She was the kind of girl who took control of every situation, including and especially sex (thought that image may have been merely a reflection of the overactive imaginations of adolescent boys). It was all very strange, and got more so when Pam morphed into Scott, a friendly acquaintance of mine. Unconnectedly perhaps, one of my two high school girlfriends had dumped me for him.
I love dreams.
The third genuine friend who expressed desire for me was John, a talented singer/actor, and human of goodly sensitivity and substance. We worked for the same theater, and spent much time together. He had never had any homosexual experiences, though he'd been aware of latent tendencies in that direction. I triggered those desires, and with some uncertainty but open-mindedness, he told me so. I was flattered, but didn't walk through that door. It's pretty hard to imagine any time in my life when i would have. Perhaps i'm just not spiritually mature enough. I tried to maintain contact with him after the theater season ended.
I should mention that in my adult life, i've been a bit of a magnet for gay men. It might have something to do with my advanced levels of sensitivity and openness. Of course, um, the fact that i've always been in much better physical shape than the average person has also been a bit of a factor, let's not kid ourselves.
As an art model, i've had a couple of homosexually-tinged encounters. The first was with Jake, a talented illustrator i posed for. His greatest passion was drawing men, from stomach to calves, fully erect. When he proposed this, i was of a mindframe to celebrate the freedom from all of the hangups of our youth, so i said sure. One less inhibition? Great. We did four or five sessions, on the same piece. He set up his easel close enough that he could touch my penis, caressing it so that it stayed erect for the hour-plus session. He said that some men came from the attention. I was sure that my taoist training would make that no concern for me. At each session, he moved a little closer, getting more detail. In the last session, his face was no more than a couple inches from my penis, the breath from his nostrils drifting across my penis, and something finally snapped. I told him that was too close, and the session quickly ended. I've always been sorry that i didn't get a copy of the work he did. He was very talented.
I posed for a photographer named Jade. He gave me free headshots in exchange for a nude session. He was probably the most feminine man i've ever met. Just profoundly soft and sweet, and far more "girly" than most women, right down to the giggles and verbal expressions. I liked him. At our second session, he put some lotion on my torso, to ostensibly cut down on the glare. He patted some onto my penis. As an art model, you get used to being handled in the most intimate way, and think nothing of it. A few minutes later he put more down there, rubbing in more than was needed for photograpic concerns. I became a bit erect. I had a few moments of bemused consideration, pondering giving him the erect session he obviously desired. But after a few shots, i felt that any more would be leading him on. The session quickly ended. He's the only man i've ever had sexual imaginings of. I think it's pretty impossible to not think about what it might be like to be with someone, anyone, who is obviously attracted to you for an extended period of time. Even if the thought is one you drive away, it's impossible to not think about it.
So what set of circumstances would it take to bring about homosexuality in me? Hmm. Well, if i were stranded on a desert island with Jade...and after a year with no sign of rescue...hmmm...
I love you all.