Wednesday, July 22, 2009

vacation lines


I just returned from a trip to Fort Myers Florida, where i used to live. My wonderful, crazy Aunt Joyce still lives there, and my mother and Aunt Sandy were visiting. The three of them are ridiculous together, they sometimes speak in a silly made-up language, a relic of their childhood. I also visited some of my dearest friends, in a beautiful land i loved. Neither my friends nor my aunts knew i was coming. Had i made a list of the people and places i had wished to re-connect with, my imagination couldn't have improved upon reality. After a few wonderful days with the sisters, i split the rest of my time between Aunt and Unc, my friends Eric and Amanda (and their five year-old son Van), and my buddy Jim in Sarasota. I wanted to give Aunt and Unc a break from company a bit; at that point, they'd had guests for two weeks. But i also wanted them to know how much i cherished them, so finding just the right amount of time to spend with them was a fine line to walk.
On the most unforgettable day, i woke up in Eric and Amanda's guest bed. He was off at work. During breakfast, Amanda's friend Tammy came over. She looked beautiful, actually younger than seven years ago, and seemed to be more whole spiritually. I'd always had a mild attraction to her, though we'd never been close. She oohed and ahhed over my physique, and said that my muscle tone was something she aspired to. I wish i had told her that if she became more physically attractive, the government might have to step in and regulate her. After breakfast, we all went to a nearby pool.
When Amanda and i first met, she was one of the most angry, wounded people you could ever meet. Being who i was, i never had a chance, and fell in love. Once or twice over the years she revealed romantic feelings too, but i always choked away my desires, knowing that any chance i had to be an enduring, loving influence in her life could be so easily destroyed by the emotional hurricanes of romance. By the time she began the first healthy romance of her life, with Eric, i was past my feelings enough to feel nothing but joy for her. The fact that he and i hit it off was an amazing bonus (when a certain sci fi movie came out in 2002, he and i stayed in the theater to watch it three times in a row). Four years ago, i accidentally fell in love with her again. Part of the emotional damage of my past few years has been ridding myself of those feelings. I was looking forward to this trip, as my first chance to be with them with that behind me. I was also looking forward to being with Van, but mindful that in the past i've sometimes been too connective with kids, making one or two wish i were their Mommy/Daddy, instead of the one they had. So i was intent on finding the line whereupon Van might love me just the right (?) amount. Eric has always been so embracing of me, and keeping tension from their little family has never been far from my mind. For all their love, they've had all the tensions that any couple go through, and maybe more.
Back at the pool, i did yoga calisthenics before swimming. The moment took me back to the joyful time i lived with my grandmother, and did a nightly skinny dip in the community pool/jacuzzi. For the two or three hours after Tammy complimented my physique, my heartrate did flutters. I had no overt designs on her, but it was so beautiful to just have those reactions, to feel those gentle surges of adrenaline. When i was by her in the shallow end, she did an underwater upward bow, leaving only her midsection above the water. I kick myself a bit for not playfully blowing on her so-beautiful tummy. It was just wonderful to be alive, aware of the coursing of blood in your veins.
We had a yummy lunch, played some more, and Eric returned. I was trying to maneuver a surprise reunion with another friend, Lucy. I had Amanda arrange a dinner meeting. I would show up instead, and Amanda would join us later. Amanda drove me to her work on the beach, and gave me her car so i could play some more with Eric and Van. Late in the afternoon, i returned to the beach and parked at the Orpheus, the cafe where i once ran a theater. One of the brothers who runs the place, Tony, was there. He was always our champion, fighting for the theater's survival often against his family's strident wishes. He's a gentle, literate man i love very dearly. We hugged, and i set off on foot for the north end of the beach a mile or two away, intent on taking in the sunset from the most undeveloped spot on the island, a place where i had spent many hours of my life teaching myself archery. After the sun set, i was alone at the point. I took off my clothes and stood there, arms outstretched, taking in the last rays of the sun.
I got back to the Orpheus a bit late, but Lucy was still there. My "surprise" was not to be, she had figured it out. We ate, and sat with Tony. A drunken man bloodied himself with a parking lot faceplant. Amanda and Tammy showed up, and the five of us visited Jo and Mark, two dear friends. Mark had had a lucid dream about me traveling, around the very day i had flown in. After that, the five of us ended up at Tony's. He's become very spiritual in recent years, and had started painting, but i wasn't at all prepared for how deeply his work moved me. I was the only one not indulging in marijuana or alcohol. I took my shirt and shoes off, and explored all the energies around me. I wanted to take all my clothes off, but sensed that some of us weren't quite spiritually ready to be unaffected by nakedness. There was music and dance, and talk of the fifth resonance. I had the bemusing reminder that there is often an easy antidote to being attracted to a woman who drinks...just hang around until they get boozy. I climbed on and under things, and prostrated myself on the floor. The energy was so beautiful, Tony said his home attracted all sorts of young people. Lending credence to his words, two young friends appeared. One of them was a psychic mess, having been on a three-week spiritual orgasm. The other was named Faith, and i was immediately swept away by her fulsome beauty. I thought of loving her forever, and creating beautiful babies...i touched her arm, and her reaction was so affirming and alive. But i tried to hold back any display of attraction. Tony had said that he'd not had a lover since the early days of his spiritual awakening five years ago, and that he was eager to find that part of himself again. If he was smitten with her, i didn't want to inject myself there. Also, i didn't want my attraction to unbalance the group vibe. Also, i didn't want to show attraction for another woman in front of Amanda (a vibe i'd felt earlier in my response to Tammy, too). I didn't want to give Amanda the message that i was saving myself, of course (though a teeny, fading part of me was), but it just felt like it could have been disruptful of the peaceful vibe i wished for her and i that trip. It was a confusing line i did my best to walk.
After climbing down from a perch while we all talked on the porch, i again found myself lying on the floor. Tammy rubbed me. Well into the wee hours, we all went our separate ways. Back at Amanda's, she tucked me in with a reading of "Hop On Pop". Sleep took me away...
Another line i walked all week was the line between letting emotions and reactions be what they are without censure or guilt, and shepherding my energy and feelings to best love and support the life around me. This can be a hard line to walk, perhaps the very hardest.
I love you all.
I would say that i'm saving myself for you all too, but that would be unconscionably flirtatious of me.

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