Wednesday, May 20, 2009

dear sarah

Dear Sarah,
Today i wrote an article about the year i worked for a coffee company...and tonight, before i lay me down, i re-read your coffeehouse ramblings. I had the thought in the past week that if i tell you how really sad and empty i am, you'll turn away in disgust. I was massaging a friend the other day, and afterwards we were sitting there still touching, and i looked peaceful, but the truth is i felt empty. Touching her should have been a joy, but it just choked me with the reality of how empty it made me feel...and reminded me that empty is how i've felt with so many in recent years. One of the reasons i broke it off with Ann was that being with her made me feel "less empty"...but that's not the most flattering tribute, especially when being with me made her feel much more. I love her, so it hurt to not be able to give her as much.
Today my neighbors moved out unexpectedly, the young couple. I guess it's just as well, as there was grief potential in my attraction to her. She always left her panties hanging in the shower. We had a connection, and i wonder whether it was an accident that after they left, there was one pair still hanging there. Knowing how much Stanley and Robert hated the drying panties, i took them before they threw them away. I breathed them in while touching myself, and i'm going to keep them.
I wish i could hear you read aloud the words you wrote. The mindlessness you want so much is what i cry for in my deepest place, too...my inside starts to gasp and turn inside out when i think about not being able to be mindless with someone.
You are not ugly. You are beautiful.

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