companionate loves

In experiencing my first romance since A, comparisons can't help but arise. As often happens, particularly when a new romance is full of contradictions and uncertainties, you recall the best parts of a previous relationship. In so many ways, A and i were wonderful. After a good romance, the spiritual challenge is to not dwell on qualities you might never find again. Our level of comfort was rare, and i sometimes wistfully smile thinking about the odds of having another lover who loves Star Trek. Do you know what it feels like when someone tells you you're the best lover they've had? I'm not talking about some mawkish twentysomething, i'm talking about someone who has had lovers for a couple of decades. Something i never told her was that she was arguably the best lover i've had too. Even though there was a teeny piece of my spirit that was always in limbo, it was pretty effortless to be in the moment with her. In our hour-plus penetrations, never once did i imagine being with someone else. I sometimes forget that most people never approach that state of grace.
All this has made me think anew about the pressure our society puts on finding our "one". It's tyrannical nonsense. Even i am not entirely immune. In my poetry, dream lover sentiments often pop up. This isn't a bad thing, as long as you can put those thoughts aside when meeting an actual human being.
These pressures can even affect non-romantic friendships. Sometimes we fall into the trap of wishing a certain friend liked more of the things we like, or wasn't a dewy-eyed liberal or drunk, or whatever. And what happens if the best relationship in your life is everything but romantic? What if you find someone (or a couple someones) you are amazingly compatible and comfortable with, but it's not romance? Might you waste years of your life in fruitless searching, perhaps at the expense of the people who already love you?
So i take a moment now to look at my life and cherish those who have been closest to my spirit. There are a few others who might have been mentioned, had life been just a tiny twist different. But if i may borrow an overburdened cliche, these are the people with whom i've exhaled, or nearly so.
DAVE BENT
The one time as a youth (and arguably ever) that i had a best friend. For one year, around twelve to thirteen, we did most everything together. We had our own little language, almost.
TOM LEONARD
My first college roommate, we roomed together for two years. I was a theater geek, he an ex-jock. There were parts of our lives that never crossed, but being around him just made me happy. I suppose at some level, i was a tiny bit surprised that he liked me. It occurs to me now, years later, that he might have felt a little of the same about me.
CLINT BARRETT
The one friend i've had who was probably smarter than i. We clicked on many spiritual levels, and could spend an hour or two tossing a frisbee too. The fact that i walked away from him because of questions of character and integrity (and a rift between he and another cherished friend), will always be a hole in my life.
JEFF KULIE
Affable and smart, he was one of those people who make you feel wonderful about yourself when you realize that they think the world of you too. It's interesting to note that he and Clint and Tom, the closest male friends of my life, have all been brunettes taller than myself. I don't think that necessarily means anything, but it's silly fun to think that it might. The fact that he walked away from me, for reasons i've never understood but possibly having to do with my own character and integrity, will always be a hole in my life too.
MEGHAN and A
The two women with whom i had the longest sexual relationships of my life. I loved them both very much, but wasn't "in love". I cry that society demeans what we had because of that. I cry that i lost both of them because we're all such needy, jealous, insecure messes.
AMANDA and VANESSA
The only times i've been in love, and in such a way that i imagined changing my life. They could possibly have been the only two lovers with whom my entire spirit was present. The fact that there was companionate love too, even profoundly so with one of them, lends a bittersweet touch to the fact that i never got to fully explore being lover (or friend) to either.
JOHN DAILEY
My step-brother, with whom i lived with for five years. Though we didn't enjoy a depth of emotional connection, we shared so many of the same joys, from movies to music to comedy, that our relationship almost became one endless in-joke. Someone remarked that we were like an old married couple. There's a little truth in that.
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I do find it interesting that although i generally prefer feminine energy, my closest friends have been male. Although i consider my life a testament to the proposition that men and women can be friends (the anti-Harry Met Sally sentiment), as the famous anthropologist said, we poisoned sex, then sex poisoned everything.
I love you all.