dear chuck

Chuck,
We've never gone terribly deep, partly because there's never been a need. But there is one now. Mom may not be ready to talk about these things yet, but it's hurts me to see her hurting, particularly when she's perpetuating that hurt.
You're with her everyday, best positioned to help her.
We all sometimes need to go through dark times. I'm going through a bit of one myself. But i'm aware of it, and the reasons for it, and what i might gain from it.
She's sad about Dave and Jeff. But any good therapist (if that's not a contradiction in terms) would ask her why, if she wants them more in her life, is she acting in a way that is contrary to that desire?
She's wrapping herself in her sadness, becoming martyrlike. She's giving off ME ME ME energy, and "YOU don't understand". It's bordering on "you're my child, i own you, you don't get to walk away". In the bigger picture, it's not all about her...she's not even the most shunned person in the family, that honor would go to Jaymie. I went through an anti-family phase myself once, perhaps more benign, but just as real.
Sometimes we act in self-destructive ways, that therapist might say, for reasons we don't understand. Perhaps that applies to them and her both?
If she were to react to the situation with acceptance and love, she would move closer to what she desires, instead of away from it. If we manifest love, we make ourselves more loveable. Instead, she's making herself harder to love...bizarrely, she's becoming more like her ex...hard to love.
If this darkness is what she needs, i give her absolute permission to go through it, and i'll still love her. I just want her to be clear about what she's doing, and why. In my own way, i'm constantly trying to bring the scattered elements of our family closer together. She's not making my task easier. And it seems so unneccessary...she needs to have faith in the mother she was, and that ulitmately her kids will embrace the reality that she loved each and every one of them very much.
If this makes any sense to you, do what you can, giving her patience and permission to go through what she needs to.
thank you,
wrob