Dave & Amy

I visited my dad and step-mom in the Poconos last weekend. My brother Dave, who lives here in NYC, called to tell me he was visiting them. I spend time with him regularly, but it had been years since Dave, Bob, and i had been together. So off i went.
It was a nice trip, and fascinating to experience a long-absent family dynamic. Dave went though an anti-family phase for most of the past decade. He didn't talk to me for years, and he still doesn't talk to my sister, or come to holiday gatherings. Which is fine...we all must walk our own path. I myself went through an anti-family phase (albeit more benign). My youngest brother Jeff has absented himself from most family gatherings for a few years, too.
The weekend made me think about how family shapes us, and how i would be a different person if one of my siblings had never existed, or if there had been five kids, or if one of my parents had died when i was young. Are you a conformist? A mediator? An entertainer? A rebel? Passive aggressive? It can be amazing to deconstruct yourself in terms of family relationships. If you take out one tiny piece of the puzzle, the rest of "you" would have shifted.
Dave and i get along great, partly because we share many worldviews. Bob and i get along, despite a number of worldviews which are in opposition.
My ethics and morality are very strong, but in personal interactions i tend toward being a listener/nurturer, and generally don't need someone else to be wrong in order for me to be right.
It was fascinating watching Dave and Bob together. Dave's energy was light and interactive, but at no time did he shy away from zapping Bob if there was a point of contention. For example, Bob often objectifies women, and Dave was having none of it. Now, i don't think the objectification of women (or men) is unqualifiedly wrong. To appreciate Jessica Biel's physique or Paul Newman's eyes, you have to objectify them to a certain extent. I myself like being objectified from time to time.
Dave, however, wouldn't allow women to be talked about in terms of physical attractiveness.
And religion...oh, heavens (sorry). In contrast to Bob's fundamentalism (and my agnosticism), Dave is a militant athiest. I confess, a part of me enjoyed watching him zing Bob. I avoided "ganging up", and just sat back and took it in. Whether Bob appreciated my comparative gentleness, isn't even the point. I just found the whole dynamic fascinating (and okay, a tiny bit edifying).
Bob, after a couple of Super Bowl bloody marys, made a batch of his world-famous mashed potatoes. Except he didn't have enough milk, so he used half & half. Except, it was kahlua-flavored. My stomach still feels hinky thinking about it.
He also had put together some amazing family albums, with photos neither Dave nor i had ever seen.
The highlight of the weekend was a side trip i took with my uncle, to see my cousin Amy. I hadn't been with her in a couple years. A year younger, she was my favorite cousin growing up. For much of the past two years, she's been in prison for grand larceny. There are psychological issues...bipolar chemical imbalances and such. I love her dearly. I've written letters, but this was the first time i saw her. It was also the first time i've ever visited someone in jail. Plexiglass and phone, just like in the movies. I couldn't help thinking about NAKED GUN 33 1/3. I was told i'd have thirty minutes.
She was in wonderful spirits. The greatest testament i can give to that effect is that she didn't thank me for coming...which would have been a very self-conscious thing to do. I was pretty sure i'd be very relaxed, but a little part of me did wonder...would the time go quickly? Or would we run out of things to say?
Looking back, i'm stunned that we talked about so much in only thirty minutes. Our conversation ranged all over the place...we talked about family and recent experiences, and very often the talk delved into deep areas. She may have been in such good spirits partly because her freedom is looming. She starts a work release program this coming week. She joked that she was possibly in longer than she should have been, just because her jailors didn't want to let her go. She's been a model prisoner...she organized the production of a play, staged by the inmates. She wrote it, and acted. She may write a book about her life.
It saddens me, the thought of what has happened to her. Going back to family dynamics, i think about how losing their mother for two years will affect Amy's children...how it will subtly (or not so subtly) change the very nature of the adults they will one day be. Coincidentally, i was reading this weekend about the Iroquois, who had no jails or police. If someone acted anti-socially, they were shunned for a time. I'm not saying that their way is THE way, but...i do know that there will come a time when the human race will look back and be horrified that we once locked people inside cages. We will be wrenchingly horrified at the barbarians we once were.
Anyway...here's to Amy being at family gatherings next year. And the year after that. I'm not holding my breath for Dave, but that would be lovely too.