Monday, January 10, 2011

This comes from no slave girl!

Quick! Name the only actress who was both a Bond girl and an original Charlie's Angel?
Tanya Roberts.
A P.R. firm's dream client!
Or...
Quick! Name the actress who sank CHARLIE'S ANGELS and killed James Bond! (Roger Moore survived the KGB, Jaws [twice!], Saruman, and that "7-Up never had it never will" guy, but failed to survive acting opposite Tanya)
Well...
Begone, naysayers!
Yes, we'll allow that she's one of the most wooden actors in cinematic history. Yes, we'll allow that her plunge into the softcore dreck that gave B movies a bad name was, well, deserved (and well-deserved).
But we love our Tanya.
For three reasons.
1) BEASTMASTER
2) Whenever we asked, she almost always took her clothes off.
3) Have you seen her with her clothes off?
Really. A career born of the male inability to say, "Um, that was really bad, Ms. Roberts." Perhaps the only tragic missed opportunity of her career, considering the fact that sometimes you just have to embrace the ludicrous, is that she never acted with Schwarzenegger. It's not too late...a Broadway revival of CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF, mayhap? And then, 13 years after her last A feature, Tanya became a comeback kid, playing neighbor Midge for six years on a hit sitcom. So sit back and enjoy the...
ESSENTIAL TANYA ROBERTS FILMOGRAPHY
-CHARLIE'S ANGELS "Attack Angels", 1981
November 30: Charlie introduces Angel Julie. June 24: Bosley torches office, disembowels self. In this episode, Tanya is hypnotized into believing she's an amazing actress. Well no, she's actually hypnotized by Eric Braeden (the immortal Victor Newman of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS) into becoming an assassin. Give in to the camp, give in, give in...
-THE BEASTMASTER, 1982
Sometimes a film has so much charm and integrity, it elevates every performance to perfection. The elusive magic of chemistry. Even if the brain says no, the heart says yes. Tanya is our Kiri. Seen the dvd easter egg?
-HEARTS AND ARMOUR, 1983
An Italian sword and sorcery epic, where charm keeps shortcomings at bay...ever so barely.
-SHEENA: QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE, 1984
Teetering on the abyss of the abysmal, it's so bad we like it. Great googily, look at her shower. And bathe. Why do you suppose she has such obviously better hygiene than, say, Serpico?
-A VIEW TO A KILL, 1985
Just kidding. The worst Bond ever, nothing comes close. I beg you, take my word for it. Of course, if you're feeling perverse, watch this in a marathon with her FANTASY ISLAND/LOVE BOAT appearances.
-INNER SANCTUM, 1991
Awful. But a must-see, for reason #2.
-ALMOST PREGNANT, 1992
Can Tanya do farce? No!! But almost worth watching, to see her, Jeff Conaway, and Joan Severance try to make lemonade out of a turd. And for, um, reason #2.
-THAT 70's SHOW, 1998-2006
I never saw it myself, but some of you neeners musta thought it was good.

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