i want my MTV2!!

A DAY IN THE MIND OF A NEW YORK ACTOR
(an account of my work on a one-day TV shoot, filming a five-second promo/lead-in for a series of horror movies airing on MTV2)

I want my MTV too? No, that's not it.
I want my MTV to...play actual music videos?
I want my MTV two? Closer...
I want my MTV2! That's it, now we got it. I want my MTV2.
I show up for the shoot fifteen minutes late, unusual for me, a result of my first-time bike ride from my temporary home in Flatbush. The ride to 27th St. takes an hour and fifteen minutes(!) Gotta move back closer to Manhattan. But no one seems to notice. I know that there's going to be a big chunk of time devoted to getting the actors into scary makeup, and then a lot of waiting.
Here's Brandon, the producer who made all the arrangements over the phone. He had my headshot in his files for the past couple years, and when the need arose for a serial killer, he remembered my eyes. He's every bit as friendly and cool in person.
There are three actors on the shoot today. Back to the green room to meet them...here's Josach, an African or island man already in zombie makeup and costume. Very friendly. And here's Saglara, playing a bloody corpse-ghost type. Wow, so cute. Asian women kill me. Ooh, intelligent too. Speaks three languages, including Russian. I keep butchering her name. Okay, got it.
And here's Margo, the makeup person. Very friendly, she thinks we've worked together before. It's possible, but she doesn't seem familiar. She says they want a killer with pale skin and smushy scads of red lipstick. And my costume? Ah, a black rubber butcher's apron, with long matching gloves. No shirt, dialing up the sexy? Yes, i remember Brandon asking whether i was still in muscled shape. Cool. I'm there.
And here's the director, Charlie. What a sweet, friendly young person. The crew, too. What a fun day this shall be. Charlie wants more transsexual? That prairie dress, will i fit into that, they wonder? Probably not? They don't know me and my 36-28-35 measurements, do they? Fitting like a tight second skin, the dress is a smash! The crew loves it, it's the hit of the day so far. Party on.
The smushed lipstick is too Heath Ledger? Okay, Margo cleans it up. Still too Jokerish, we lose the lipstick altogether.
I watch Saglara being filmed. It's a green screen studio, with the acting in a tight space. Mostly bunches of scary faces and screams, with a few menacing walks toward the camera. Between takes, i hike up my dress and pull my boxers to super-wedgie levels. The crew is disgusted and delighted. Brandon says it's the first time in his life he's been happy to see a man's ass. Good times.
And here's the MTV rep. Hello, another attractive Asian woman. And how genuine she seems. She's just happy to be here, to watch it all happen. Okay, her ass is a little thin...no matter! She's great.
Back in the green room with the actors, we talk about Mark Twain, travel, and racism. Saglara is of Kalmyk Mongolian descent, and was the victim of racial violence in Russia. She says American racism is tame. I ask her to talk about the attack, but she demurs. Too bad. She mentions her boyfriend, and that she likes drinking and clubbing. Okay, my little fantasy is going poof. Ah well, she's still bright and fun. I ask her to call me an idiot in Kalmyk, but she doesn't seem interested. She was so friendly at first, but now she seems faintly standoffish, perhaps even to me personally.
I'm on! The prairie dress has been nixed, as Margo hands me a plain old bloody white apron. Really? Seems like a bit of a wet noodle compared to my first two costumes. And a white T-shirt? Dialing down the sexy, too? How lame. I tell Charlie i have three looks for him. #1 is eyes narrowed, #2 is open and penetrating, and #3 is wide-eyed maniac. And here are my toys, a cleaver and a machete! They bloody them (and me) up. I do all sorts of looks and swipes at the camera, and a scary charge. I do screams too, though i'd imagined they wouldn't be recording audio. Our voices might not end up in the final cut of course, but i'll strain my vocal cords a bit in the pursuit of horror excellence. Charlie asks me to do a maniacal laugh, but it comes out pretty flaccid. And with one of my forward attacks, i realize it would have been perfect if i had grabbed camera eye contact firmly after the slashes. That's the problem with these shoots, there's little or no prep time, it's just in and out bang, you're done. You try to keep a million subtleties together in your head, but when the camera rolls you have to let go of a lot of structured thought. Sometimes you end up forgetting things (and sometimes the same thing over and over), but that's the price of being alive in the moment, for this pea-brained actor anyway. With one day of rehearsal, i'd be better. But i know not to be hard on myself, and some of my moments have actually felt really cool. With skillful editing, they might come up with something wonderful.
Lunch break! I get a veggie wrap, and a Naked protein shake (my favorite). Brandon's taking very good care of us. And here's a fourth actor, Danielle. She has to be at a bartending job at three, so has precious little time. She's got a scrubbed all-American look. Very attractive. We actors have lunch in the green room. Danielle mentions her boyfriend in passing. Okay, nix another fantasy. As we finish eating, they want to get her wrapped, so they'll finish me after her.
I finish my Twain short story. I nap through Danielle's costuming and shooting.
Back on set! And my final prop...a chainsaw! I have them tape down the, um, unused electrical plug at the end of it. I slash. I scream.
After i'm done, they put some of the crew into makeup and costume, and shoot them, mostly for fun.
When the shoot wraps, Brandon tells me he thinks my footage will be the stuff they use most. He and other crew members are complimentary of my work, in a way that seems a touch more sincere than the regular bullshit. I get $150 for my efforts. Not much when you consider that MTV is attached to the project, but the experience was great, they were done with me in under eight hours, and i can now give you and my nephews a laugh.
Coming soon, to a cathode ray tube near you!