dear N 2

Dear N,
One thing this is not going to turn into is some e-mail romance-in-waiting. For selfless reasons, i did a couple of those in recent years, and they absolutely shattered me, one tiny wound at a time, because all i've needed for much longer than i care to remember is someone to hold. I've been deprived of that healing for so long, i'm literally starting to go insane. Just about everyone you'll ever meet is similarly a bit insane.
One of the fundamental things about this world is that basically, no one gets what they deserve. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people, and no one ever gets the love they need. There may be times in your life when a person or people choose to love you. If that happens, N, i promise...IT WASN'T BECAUSE YOU EARNED IT. We all do what we do for reasons that are our own, and if someone else benefits, it's mostly dumb luck. The opposite is most certainly true...the times in our life when we are alone, missing the loving we need, it's NOT because we deserved it. It's just how this broken world works.
So if you question why i want to love you, there will be a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with you. That's going to be the case any time someone offers to love you. Most people are too scared or dumb to understand that.
In my life right now, it's a challenge to not lie to someone (even just a little) to chase them into my arms. For whatever reason that neither of us will ever fully understand, N, i feel HAPPY when i'm holding you. A part of me wishes i could feel that with just anyone. I want to love the hell out of you, you sweet fool. If that terrifies you, then run away. But if you do that, it may haunt you. In the million and three lonely moments that are likely ahead of you, you may someday want to slit your wrists for your cowardliness at this moment.
I want to hold you and listen to you...learn about every step you've taken in your life, understand the child you were, understand why you cry and laugh when you do...is it even vaguely possible that that's not something you need?
There's a part of me that's rooting for you to self-destruct yourself away from me. The imbalance in what we're each ready for is pretty staggering. But i'm willing to carry you for a while, while you catch up. It may happen sooner than you think.
And even if the romance part of our love proves too imbalanced to work, all i ask is that we try to not fall prey to the most insidious dysfunction of this dysfunctional world, the tendency for lovers whose time has ended to throw their entire relationship away. Of all the people we will ever know, the ones who will know us most deeply are our lovers...and those are the people we lose forever, once hormones and societal expectations have had their way. You already tried to throw us away once. All i ask is that you never try to do that again. It is the bonds of friendship, not romance, which are most true.
At times, your fears paralyze you. There are few people i've ever met who have confronted and hounded their fears as much as i. It's the most crippling, destructive force in the world. However much you are able to overcome your fears, just so much will you find your own healing. If you are able to lie nakedly with me ten more times, your ability to love yourself will always be just a little better. If you are able to lie nakedly with me 100 more times, your ability to love another human may begin to stand out from those around you. If you are able to lie nakedly with me 1000 more times, you might be on your way to being what you were born to be...one of the most beautiful people any of us will ever know.
All of these words stupidly complicate a very simple idea. I want to hold you, then hold you some more, and when it's all over, come back and hold you again.
love,
wrob