compatibility calculus

Step right up, boys and girls, it's compatibility calculus time!
You're a loser in the game of love? Of course you are. There are no winners - what, you didn't get the memo?
But perhaps it's time for a long, hard look in the mirror. We're all right fucked (or rather, the opposite)...and some are so far past fucked that all that remains is some kind of radical life-lobotomy.
Perhaps it's time to consider that other gender.
Perhaps it's time to stop drinking (or start).
Perhaps it's time to research the happiness quotient of eunuchs.
Perhaps it's time to consider both genders.
Perhaps it's time to find god. There's got to be some religion out there that has a healthy outlook on sexuality.
We'll wait while our researchers get that information...


They don't usually take this long...

Perhaps it's time to move to New Zealand, or some such place where the locals will find our accent exotic and sexy. Some place where they don't hate americans. Got to be a few countries like that left.
We'll wait while our researchers get that information...



So...uh, seen any good movies lately?

Perhaps it's time to broaden our standards. Sex is in the mind, right? Sexagenarians have GOTTA be sexy, they've got sex right at the top of their name!
Perhaps it's time to consider other species.
But before we do anything extreme, let's all do our compatibility calculus! Maybe you're just in a dry spell (probably not...but maybe).
We'll start with me. I have the BMI of a professional athlete. My elementary school principal personally called my mom with the startling results of my IQ test...although in retrospect, how smart can i be to have never considered before now that she might have MADE THAT UP? But i'm in shape, bright...i must be crazy compatible! Let's do this!
MIND: 1% of women are too smart for me, and 82% are too dumb.
BODY: I can't physically keep up with 1% of women, and 76% are way below my league.
POLITICS: Very progressive feminist/humanist independent. Hm. It says here that if i never leave the blue states, i'll lose just 29% of women. Oops, that was for "progressive", not "very progressive". New number - 66% lost. That's fine, we're separating the wheat from the chaff...
RELIGION: Agnostic. Whoops...just lost 71%. But i think we can ignore that stat...there are probably more closet non-believers than homosexuals and boy band-lovers combined.
SEX: Poly-curious. Okay, we just lost 93%. Remind me why i agreed to participate in this?
GROOMING: Clean and unfashionable, with an aversion to makeup/heels/hair product. I am in no danger of being kissed by...78% of females (An incredible windfall of good fortune, as they were wearing lipstick! Yecch!)
SELF-MEDICATION: I don't do any drug. Not Pabst, not Advil. That will only cost me...65%.
HUMOR: Silliness seasoned by a dry, ironic wit. Right over the heads of 71%.
WEALTH: Penniless by choice. 97% of the wimyn have left the building.
SELF-ACTUALIZATION: More emotionally available than 99% of humanity.
Okay, let's let our super-computer tabulate all that...
Computing...final calculus...
Well, this is curious. It says here that statistically i have about the same chance of finding a compatible lover as i do of finding a female billionaire.
That's not so bad, is it?
Computer, how many female billionaires are there?
Computer?