petra

WOMEN 61
The owner of a Florida restaurant i did storytelling and acting in, we knew each other for a few months. In her forties and raising children alone, she had been born and raised in Germany, and still had an accent. When we met, i turned to my friend Donna and said, "Now there’s a sexy woman". I meant it, but not in a smitten way. As time went by, i got signals that she was attracted. A few weeks before i was to move to New York, i invited her to spend time with me before i left. She accepted. She had given me admonitions that she didn’t have a typical female mindset and wasn't interested in monogamy, or certainly not jealousy. She described herself as more of a man, sexually. The first night she visited we talked awhile, then showered and went to bed. Naked and cuddling, it became sexual. I kept the brakes on, which didn’t suit her. She said she wasn’t attracted to a man very often, but didn’t like to waste time when she was. I told her that i favored a strong emotional connection before sex, but she said that sex was an avenue to love, not an end result. We fell asleep. She had to leave at 4:30AM to care for her children, and when we awoke, the cuddling became sexual again. Suddenly i was on top, and in her. I came within seconds, overcome with "what the hell am i doing" thoughts. Maybe a part of me had thought i could be the person she wanted, but i realized i couldn't. I pulled out, over her protests. She left. I visited her a couple nights later. A part of me was sympathetic to her point of view, but i said that i would be awful as a sexual partner to someone i barely knew. She said that for all my bravery in other areas, i was so fearful in this one. I already knew that i had exposed myself to possible infection, because although it had been five months since her last partner and she had been monogamous with him for years, she had had questions concerning his fidelity. She had been tested and come up negative, but it was my understanding that HIV had a dormancy of up to two years. I offered her cuddling and kissing. She accepted, and i stayed the night. Sometime that night, her head moved quickly down while she was kissing my torso, pulling me into her mouth. A part of me wanted her to do it. I’m not trying to rationalize my lack of control - it’s not like she was irresistible to me. The fact that i hadn’t had a partner in three or four years may have been a factor. She gave me oral sex for a few minutes. If i had felt myself coming, i would have stopped her. We fell asleep. I spoke with her a few more times before i moved, but said that our being physically close would only bring her frustration. She was easy to talk to, up to the end.