Saturday, March 13, 2010

interference patterns, pt. 3

One of the reasons i'm skeptical of the Law of Attraction is that my own life is concrete proof that it doesn't work.
Okay, that thought only bounces into my head in moments of amused, ironic loneliness. The truth is more complex, contrary...even beautiful (or am i just saying that because i refuse to stop projecting beauty into the universe, even in the face of Attraction failure, because to do so would be the death of everything i am?).
At an early age, i embraced Attraction in psychological terms. I felt that the energy i manifested would attract like energy. Like-minded people. Start with the simple truth that a smile is contagious, and everything flows from there. I set out to be a Peter Pan, juicing the world with my easygoing, childlike eagerness. And in very humbling ways, i've succeeded. Personally, with adults and children, i've been at times one of the most hugged people in the world. Professionally, as actor and director, i've touched sublime levels of achievement. Platonically, i've had friends. Romantically, a fair number of the most attractive women i've known, have been interested in me.
I eventually entertained the thought that the Law of Attraction works on a level of universal consciousness. I maintained a healthy skepticism, but decided to approach it as if it were true...which was exactly how i'd been living anyway. I've experienced things that push the boundaries of "coincidence", but nothing yet that absolutely defies current science. I've been waiting for a tender love affair, to explore whether two who are "entangled" can manifest a subconscious connection, even at a distance.
At some point, i began to realize that Attraction, whether based in psychology or universal consciousness, is a complicated thing, because despite the fact that i've attracted love, the fullness of it has eluded me. Most of my best friends have lived far away, so i've never had the close circle i've dreamt of. Romantically, i've had my moments, but they've been few and far between. The dreams i've projected into the universe, to be loved and held everyday...i've lived much closer to the opposite end of that spectrum.
Intellectually, i know why my path might be a lonely one. Most people have no clue how to be present, in the living moment. If you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you've got nothing in the now (unless you use a cane). Most people are locked in behavioral cycles, unable to rise above "themself", so the odds of finding someone like me, free of that (mostly, anyway), are not great. Our society is manacled by psycho-sexual repression and Disney nonsense...we're ashamed of our bodies, and dream of being "rescued" or "completed". Our society only sanctions physical intimacy in the context of sexuality...which denies an amazing spectrum of physical love any two individuals (or three or four) might express.
In many ways, i'm one of the most humble people you'll ever meet. I'm a listener, and in personal interactions, i almost never give advice. I don't think there's an immortal, invisible boogey-person who thinks i'm more neat-o than atheists, Jews, or chimpanzees. But at a certain point, someone like me has to put down the temptation to false modesty, and be comfortable with one's own exceptionality. I think i've perhaps erred on the side of being too modest and unassuming, in my life. Oh, i've no skill in advanced mathematics, and i've never conquered Rubik's Cube. Are there really people who look at that thing, and "see" the solution? Hot damn, that's impressive. I have no specific brilliance, except possibly in literature or self-awareness...and movie trivia, i'm hell on movie trivia. All that aside, i know how vain and full of shit i can be...but that very awareness is also what separates me from the herd. I was hardly ever treated as the smartest kid in class, though maybe sometimes i was. When Mom told me, in seventh grade, that my Principal had made her promise to not tell me i had the highest IQ in the history of the school (or the district?), it didn't really affect me. Of course i remembered it, that's not the kind of thing one forgets...and i know it's had some effect on my life, but mostly, upon being told, my reaction was "Okay...that's fine".
The point of that semi-tangent isn't that "i'm so advanced, i'll never find my equal" (in truth, i've actually wanted to write about that "exceptionality" stuff for some time, but devoting an entire article to it felt a touch too self-indulgent). In practicality, it hasn't been hard to find people i feel basically on par with...although when i read personal ads, i do say to myself, "Jumping fucking Jehosaphat, is the average person THIS fucking stupid?" The point is that, okay, i'm exceptional, and so yes, need someone exceptional to love, and by the very definition of exceptionality, it will be harder for me to find that someone (or someones).
But long before i read about interference patterns in quantum theory, i understood how they might function in personal relationships. Humanity is still such a mass of conflicting desires, within us and between us, that if there is universal consciousness, the ability to manifest any specific reality is immeasurably hampered by the conflicting hurricane of desires and negativity all around us.
Mind you, i've always been testing myself, to make sure i wasn't full of shit, that my loneliness isn't something i've been attracting to myself all along. My best answer is that i'm 99% sure i don't...i don't sabotage my desire for happy intimacy and love. Of course, the difference between 98 and 99% is tiny, while the difference between 99 and 100% is somehow larger.
Enough for now...i have to go, i feel someone coming who has been searching for me her whole life. Or maybe some goofy friends. How's that for Attraction?

(COMING TOMORROW: NO MORE ARTICLES ON INTERFERENCE PATTERNS!)

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