biological crock!

When the vicissitudes of life leave you wounded and raw, you find yourself inclined to abandon niceties and logic. The more attracted i am to a woman these days, the more reckless i feel, willing to ignore contraception...almost like some sort of biological clock, seeking to spread my seed (not that i'm the embodiment of of self-indulgent hedonism yet...of the four women i've been intimate with in the past two years, i held back with two of them out of concern for their feelings). But i'm learning that "biological clock" probably means very different things to different people.
Would i like to be held and rubbed every day of my life? With a hurt that i can feel in my bones, yes.
What more likely way than creating a mommy?
But do i want a child? A part of me does...a part of that may be selfish however, as having offspring seems the surest way to guarantee a self-perpetuating stock of loving intimates (or maybe your snot-nosed kid kills you in a patricidal rage...could go either way). My own parents are reasonably enlightened, yet they both believe that children owe parents automatic love and loyalty...a belief that points up the possibility that having children in this society is far more about selfishness than most would admit.
Is this reckless feeling also a tiny bit because i don't look like i'm twenty anymore? Maybe.
And is there perhaps the teensiest bit of my psyche that wants to put myself in an ill-advised situation likely to distract me from my creativity, in order to punish the women who chose to walk away from my love? That my being in a bad place might make them feel guilty...and also make them feel unattractive if the woman i impregnate is rather young? Double revenge! And might this all be a form of "punishing" society too, by throwing my life away?
Maybe not. Perhaps it's just a simple case of more general self-destructiveness. But those other thoughts are the broken places where your mind can go, in times of darkness.
A part of all this may be bona fide hormonal activity, too.
But it's mostly just feral, raw woundedness. Wanting to find some woman and unhinge her senses, giving her the most reality-melting sex of her life...making her cry from desire, and the need to have my sperm inside her.
It's the challenge of making a woman feel as feral as i, perhaps.
Reason to create a baby? Of course not.
But i never promised this trip down Psyche Lane would be Currier & Ives.
So why "Biological Crock"? Because "biological clock" can be an excuse that covers a multitude of bullshit? Yes.
But that's not the real reason.
The real reason is because i can't resist bad puns and goofing on funny accents.
Coincidentally, if some shadow agency wants to train an agent to ensnare me in a web of sexuality so profound that i give over my baby juice and divert my attention from saving the world (and self-involvement and cheesy sci fi) to messy diapers, they'd be well-advised to hire an asian woman. We all have our weaknesses. In my case, a bald, athletic asian woman who adores STAR TREK.
Just so you know.