"Battlestar Galactica"

-created by glen a. larson
1978-1979
-SAGA OF A STAR WORLD ****
A gripper. A ripper! In this three-parter, humans create robots who rebel, retreat, then return decades later to annihilate all twelve colonies, leaving a small remnant of humanity on the run in a tiny fleet, protected by one warship and looking for the lost colony Earth. An oasis planet with all they might need is discovered...but commander adama is suspicious. Fans focus negative energy on the fact that BSG was cancelled after one season, but that's the wrong attitude. Imagine instead that we suddenly found twelve lost episodes of FIREFLY! Zack does not get jessie's girl, and check out lurch as the imperious leader, in the deleted scenes.
-Lost Planet of the Gods ****
In this two-parter, most of the viper pilots get cripplingly sick, while starbuck is captured on baltar's base star. Apollo and serina marry. Great, albeit with with the most strained credibility of any episode, as shuttle pilots become viper jocks in one easy lesson. This one, plus TREK's "Turnabout Intruder" and some other sci fi chestnut, would make one heck of a radical-feminist-fodder marathon. Starbuck's won't-hear-that-on-TV-today quote: (to female trainees) "Remember, these controls are as sensitive as a schoolgirl's...um, lips." Just what word, presumably starting with an "s", was he going for? Plus the slaying of serina! The sacrifice of solitaire! The death of dr. quinn.
-The Lost Warrior ***
Prime directive? We don't need no steenkin' prime directive! No one bats an eye as apollo lands and integrates with a pre-flight culture, who are singularly unfazed by this visitor from the sky (these cats are centered, babe). Those who dismiss GALACTICA as camp should watch this one. Apollo has an old-west showdown with a deranged cylon, a premise that's almost by definition camp. Yet the characters ring true, and the story rises above it.
-The Long Patrol ****
Starbuck gets lost in an experimental, unarmed shuttle, and lands in jail on the remote planetoid Proteus. For any who fancy poetic justice, remember spock's faithless fiance, t'pring? Well, it seems she (or the actress who played her anyway) ended up serving a life sentence for adultery. She wants to know what starbucking is.
-Gun on Ice Planet Zero ****
Britt ekland and tongo the ape man (imdb denny miller, i dare you) help our heroes in this two-parter, as criminals are recruited for a sabotage mission on an ice planet where a superlaser will soon destroy the fleet, ship by ship. Is dr. zachary smith now a cylon? Indeed, baltar. Guest star richard lynch chases the rare GALACTICA/BUCK/TREK trifecta.
-The Magnificent Warriors ***
On a mission to trade for desperately-needed crop seeds, the locals eye starbuck as their new (sacrificial) constable. Plus MATCH GAME's irrepressible brett somers! If charles had come along, they'd have nailed that fourth star. "If only starbuck knew, athena was a better *blank* than cassiopeia".
-The Young Lords ***
A wounded, crash-landed starbuck helps a family of children fight the cylons who have invaded their planet. A delightful episode, brightened by the presence of poster icon audrey landers, which loses one star for a queasy feeling brought on by the, um, song.
-The Living Legend ****
This two-parter is the highlight of the series. Shining above all is lloyd bridges as commander cain, of the lost battlestar Pegasus. We're not worthy. Also, the arrival of sheba, whose character was possibly a reaction to feminist criticisms of the second episode? From that point on, all mass viper launches feature at least one woman pilot (usually brie...sigh). Note the parachute drop out of the shuttle, if you'd like an extra giggle.
-Fire in Space ***
Gaping plot holes, but athena actually gets screen time, as a fire threatens all life on Galactica! It's a shame she and boomer, the other romantic odd wheel out, couldn't have made a connection. It would have made the show a little more socially daring...or even just a little.
-War of the Gods **
Wow. Anybody else hear that singing sound? That's glen larson massaging a four-foot holy phallus. And remember that screen time athena got? Apparently it didn't go so well, as the vocals on her one conversation here are, i swear, replaced by general crowd noise. Ouch. Look at her last shot, you'll see a face that isn't even remotely connected to what's going on. Nobody is that bad an actor, so obviously someone was content to have her look like a simpleton. In this two-parter, a mysterious stranger come to the fleet, and offers to perform three miracles if they agree to follow him.
-The Man with Nine Lives ****
Fred astaire? On GALACTICA?? It's almost surreal watching him, yet he carries himself with such grace and charm that you forget all that. Is he starbuck's long-lost father? And who's trying to kill him? Plus the first appearance of the borellian nomens, GALACTICA's resident monks of mayhem!
-Murder on the Rising Star ***
As boomer, apollo, and starbuck compete in a fleet-wide triad tournament, ferris bueller's dad schemes to kill apollo.
-Greetings from Earth ***
A small vessel with four people in cryofreeze is intercepted. Is it from Earth? Galactica then encounters the violent eastern alliance - okay okay, we get it, bad guys dress like nazis and speak with an english accent! Plus ray bolger dances! And mark harmon's sister offers apollo a lifetime supply of Tic Tacs!
-Baltar's Escape ****
The weakest four-star entry, but this one is undeniable because it has it all...baltar, borellians, enforcers, and cylons. And adama gets some lovin'.
-Experiment in Terra ***
The mysterious beings from the ship of lights conscript apollo to preserve the peace negotiations on the planet Terra. What would happen if GALACTICA, QUANTUM LEAP, and KNIGHT RIDER had a party in the q continuum, had a little too much ambrosia and a menage a trois, and GALACTICA got pregnant? This episode would happen.
-Take the Celestra ***
Happily back to BSG basics, after detours in terra and mystical-wystical felgercarb. Starbuck chases a lost love, as he and apollo get embroiled in a mutiny on the civilian ship Celestra.
-The Hand of God ****
A patrol discovers a base star, and adama orders a strike. Sappy ending notwithstanding, not many shows go out in a blaze as beautiful as the one on which they came in. They didn't leave anything on the shelf either, as sheba kisses apollo. And quit whisperin', col. sweetpea, you're givin' me a hard-on. Don't blink, or you'll miss starbuck's "cassie's not wearing underwear" double-take.

BSG Ambrosia Game
1 drink: a shot of the muffy costume, without the chimpanzee inside
1 drink: an episode with a gold centurion
1 drink: adama monitors cylons coming in, and orders shields raised AFTER they attack
2 drinks: a viper pilot hits the IM on the joystick
2 drinks: they visit and leave an inhabited human planet, despite the fact that all-powerful aliens bent on human extermination are close behind
3 drinks: a three-handed handshake
4 drinks: a red cylon raider