Tuesday, February 24, 2009

unflattering

"Memoirs offer naked honesty, about everyone except the author"
-Dr. Jane Aloysius O'McCorkleschlatt
"Memoirs must have been so much easier in the era of pen and quill...how do keyboard memoirists manage to pat themselves on the back?"
-Fuzzy Houndstooth

I've been puzzling out an article, in the spirit of these quotes. Mind you, i think a healthy amount of egotism is necessary for most good writing. But avoiding the trap of too much self-congratulation, of believing one's own press, is an interesting challenge for celebrated writers and unheralded hacks alike. In that spirit, i've tried to put together an article seen through the eyes of those who have genuinely disliked me. I have tried to recapture the most unflattering situations my life has known. At first, i thought it would be a series of simple "i once was" statements, with no explanation, so i couldn't be accused of trying to "spin" the events. But i realized that it would be unfair to not offer some sort of context on several of these. I wasn't able to come up with as many examples as i thought i might. Is this a testament to how "good" or "loved" i've been? Perhaps. But it might also be a testament to my simple ignorance of the full scope of effects my life has had, or possibly even a testament to the mind's ability to bury unflattering or hurtful memories.
1) I'm 90% sure that i once held a party, and no one came. Literally. I can almost remember sitting there alone, eating the Keebler butter pretzel braids i had bought for the event. They were yummy, so i had that going for me.
2) "that guy who took advantage of me when i was totally drunk"
Yes. I did that, one time in college. There was a freshman girl in my dorm, and one night she stumbled into my room, well and unmistakeably inebriated, and a little sad. Dead sober as always, i invited her to lie down and tell her story. I comforted her, and started putting moves on her. She went along for a bit, then stumbled back out into the hall. It is only a minor solace that i wouldn't have let it go all the way. This is the one time in my life i'm unqualifiedly ashamed of.
3) "i walked into the house and he was totally naked"
While staying at my grandmother's, she had a housekeeper. I had met her before, and had some friendly conversations. One time she came while my grandmother was out, and i was working at the computer in my room. I was naked, and didn't feel like getting dressed. I shouted something to her about "did she mind", and remained naked the whole time she worked. She never came back. Even though i applaud my spirit of challenging fears and repressive taboos, i wish i could offer her an apology.
4) "didn't he stalk a teenager?"
Once in my twenties, i may or may not have made a teenage girl think i was stalking her. I was writing a play about a man who deflects the crush of a teenager, while trying to teach her about intimacy and trust. One friend described it as "a play about not having sex". While i was writing it, i was acting in a show. There was a 16 year-old in the cast who had a huge crush on me. I liked her and was very friendly, even extending to occasional phone conversations. When i finished writing the play, the show had ended. I was so excited to have her read it, i didn't want to wait for the post office. I biked to her house and left a copy of the play in her mailbox, and didn't hear from her again. The year after that i began substitute teaching, and she was in one of my classes. The year after that i lost my teaching position because she had filed a complaint (or a complaint had been filed on her behalf). Not knowing what really happened is the hardest part, but i know that in my own headlong, ill-advised way, i was trying so very hard to be a force of good in the world. This is the only event in my life which has ever given me nightmares.
5) "that creep who asked us to be a homosexual escort"
I acted in a play in New York, and after it ended, a gay friend of mine had to go to some event, and didn't want to go alone. He asked me if i would pretend to be his date, or if i had any actor friends who would be willing to do it as a paid acting job. Knowing how hard it is for an actor to get any sort of paying gig in New York, i e-mailed his offer to a number of the guys i had just done the show with. A couple reacted negatively, being highly offended or asking that i not contact them again. This one gets under my skin, because i think there was more than a little hypocrisy in their response...if it had been a female offering to pay them to pretend to to be a date, how much moral outrage would my erstwhile comrades have shown?
And that's it. What, you thought i'd end the article with a laugh? No no, that would be flattering.

3 comments:

Max said...

I enjoyed this very much and I applaud the concept. Most of these are about miscommunication, frequently caused by you being more comfortable with your libertine philosophy than those you encounter. My unfulfilled hope was that it would shine a light on the real and gaping flaws that only your closest friends see.

Max said...

I should clarify that I am only assuming those flaws exist. I don't know you well enough to have their existence confirmed, let alone awareness of specific flaws.

wrob said...

As John Lovitz said, "Get to know me!!" (too-obscure SNL reference)