romance ad tips for women!

I am an online dating veteran of five years standing. As mens' ads usually get only a handful of responses, most of which are spam or a woman in Nigeria who needs $220 to spring granny from the pokey, i focus most of my energy on the W4M section, in search of my shipoopi. Along the way i've become an expert on the methods women employ to attract online honeybees. My experiences are with craigslist, the source of 90% of my New York employment, 50% of my love life, a free TV, a couple homes, big geek glasses, and...oh, but i could go on. Being free, craigslist is the most nakedly human site. This is at once wonderful and appalling. You're entirely responsible for creating your own ad, and may post photos or not. Don't go to CL expecting to be uplifted - even after you sift out the put-ons and spam, you're still swimming a stunted sea of shallowness, a mind-numbing morass of moronity. But still, it can be fun. And occasionally, amidst the flotsam, jetsam, and Darwinian tidal pools, a beautiful pearl is found. So, goodly women of the land, take uncle wrobbie's hand, and we'll have you pearly in no time.
ROMANCE AD TIPS FOR WOMEN
1) Post a picture. Words from a stranger don't impress us. Oh, to be sure, we love a woman who can weave a web of words that intoxicates or titillates. But when we open an ad, we scroll down to the photo. It's not just shallowness, a picture is inherently more truthful than words, and beyond that, we are visual creatures. We use sight as much as all our other senses combined (not males - humans). While a part of me envys the hypothetically non-distracted love lives of the blind, when it comes to attraction we all have visual triggers, ingrained and acquired. So the more you let yourself be seen, the more honesty you will receive in return. You could even skip the text altogether, we'd find it refreshing. Save the scintillating conversation for subsequent e-mails, and give us a photo of yourself in a social setting. You'll trigger an attraction response or not, and your basic values, personality, and intelligence will be inescapable.
2) Post a picture of YOU, pinhead!! The single most annoying thing you can ever do is attach a picture which is NOT you. Ads with photos have a notation indicating so. More than half the ads don't post a picture (which is chickenshit, but honest). But if there's a "pic" notation, it is an embarrassing lie for the picture to be anything other than you. It's false advertising, and you are sleazily taking advantage of human goodwill, forever stealing from our lifespan the six seconds it takes us to get in and out of your ad. Do not ever, EVER post a picture of someone famous and say, "My friends tell me i look like her!" Somewhere out there, a man will punch his monitor. If you post a picture of a sunset or a kitten, someday you may feel the cold, steely grip of death descend on you, and the last raspy words you hear will be "a fucking sunset?" I guarantee, any man you reel in with such an ad will be one you don't want, because deep down he will never, ever respect you. And there are actually women in this world who post a photo which simply says "no photo no reply". I'm not joking, my imagination isn't nearly that perverse. For these twisted souls, there's a spot in the eighth circle of hell waiting for you...waiting...
3) I applaud the unpretentiousness of those of you who refuse the spell-check feature available on so many of these computer thingies. You don't wish to mislead unsuspecting males regarding your intelligence, and we applaud you. However, it's possible that some sort of law of diminishing returns kicks in when it's obvious you're still years away from that GED.
4) Don't write your ad with the Caps Lock on, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE YELLING AT US. UNLESS OF COURSE YOU SPECIFICALLY DESIRE A MAN WHO LIKES THAT SORT OF THING!!
5) Darlings, i beg you, i implore you, get the terminology straight. A "friend with benefits" (FWB) is not a man who has sex with you in exchange for money or gifts. That's a "sugar daddy". A friend with benefits is a genuine friend ("friend") with whom you share sexual relations ("benefits").
6) When describing yourself, do NOT use your dress size. Very few men wear women's clothing, and many of us are frankly hazy on men's sizes. You might think, "What kind of cheapskate doesn't know dress sizes?" But to assume beforehand that a man will shower you with gifts is a bit mercenary. We love giving you presents, we do. But not when you're waiting for them. And offering your dress size instead of your actual dimensions is evasive. Look inside yourself, you know it's true.
7) The term "partner in crime" is hereby incarcerated, with no parole. The only women who may henceforth use it must show verifiable criminal records.
8) The abbreviation "LOL" is banished, in no small part because many of you insist on using it when nothing actually funny has been said. And frankly, if you seek a man who needs to be notified of funniness, isn't it possible you're setting your sights a little low? If a suitable period of healing goes by, use of LOL may again become permissible, in text messaging only. Until then, the only humans allowed to use LOL are submarine signal operators.
Lt. MURPHY: Dmitri, so sorry we almost hit you!
PORUCHIK DMITRI: Da! LOL!
9) Some of you make the following disclaimer: "Once we're a couple, may we lie about where we met?" Wow. How do you live inside that skin? What happened in your childhood, that you are so cripplingly lacking in self-acceptance? This also applies, by the way, to those of you who blur your face, or post no picture at all. Learn to be who you are, and love who you are! Until you do, no one else can - ever. Take down your ad, close yourself in your closet, and think. In a mate, do you yourself want a man who is even the tiniest bit ashamed of who he is? Or do you want a mate who climbs on top of the town's fountain and shouts, "This is meeeeee!" And i wonder...would you perhaps feel shame if you found a human being online willing to try to love you, but no shame that he treated you to a $100 meal while 16,000 children were dying of hunger? Get your fucking values in order. Okay, now stop flirting with Mr. Kelly and get out of there.
10) Big...beautiful...woman. Well, golly. Who wouldn't love a big, beautiful woman? That sounds wonderful, i'll take two! Oh, wait. Ah, i see. "Big beautiful woman" is euphemistic language. That's not good. Yes, i see now. "BBW" is a six-syllable replacement for "overweight", which in turn was a three-syllable replacement for "fat". Hm. Fat. I mean, well, to be "fat" in this society...horrors. We can't have that. Or if we can, we certainly can't say it. Even if it is direct and honest. Wait though...maybe we can have that. Yes, maybe calling ourselves BBWs is a way to feel better about ourselves by obscuring the truth. But maybe the path to genuinely feeling better about ourselves is to love ourselves for exactly what we are, not through cutesy bullshit language. And i'm not unsympathetic. Our culture celebrates destructive, unnatural ideals of feminine beauty. But our culture is also fat. Very fat. One out of every three of us is obese. If we stop bullshitting ourselves about that, and putting a happy-face on it, maybe we can deal with it. And what the fuck is a "thick" person?? Wait, i remember, a thick person is one who is mentally dense! That's a thick person. Zaftig is fine. Rubenesque is dandy. Curvy is...suspect. But let's get this BBW nonsense off the table. Be fat and proud! Or not. But stay away from BBW, because there actually are BBWs in the world, and they want their damned acronym back! Gabrielle Reece is a big, beautiful woman. Allison Janney is a big, beautiful woman. Michelle Wie and the Williams sisters are big, beautiful women. Ann Coulter is a big woman!