cave-in

(Search and rescue workers cut their way into a subway car which was trapped and partially crushed in a cave-in one week earlier, under thousands of tons of debris. They find four corpses killed in the initial collapse, and one corpse dead of asphyxiation. Next to the fifth corpse, a letter is found.)
My love,
I am alone. After the cave-in, it took Shin many hours to die, but he was conscious the entire time. I don't know whether you would like him...of course, i don't even know whether you would like me. But as the hours go by, and the air gets heavier, i think only of you and Shin. I wish i could think only of you. I learned about his good son and his rebellious daughter. He wished he'd been able to tell his daughter of his own youth...he told me a story about an ox and the mayor's watch i promised i would never tell anyone. He told me things he never told his own wife. His last hour was the worst. When he finally died, i could only be relieved.
I look at my own life, and how free and evolved i fancy myself...yet i know now that i am no different from this man who nobody knew.
Because of you.
For almost an entire year, i have watched you. One or two times, i have tried to smile at you. But every day, i have carried you inside me, in this tiny place of the quietest, gentlest love. I have seen things that no one else sees, how every day at lunch you go into the pet store, even when it rains. I noticed you change day by day when you and your idiot boyfriend were breaking up. People say you're over him, but you're not.
When you talked about how terrible you are with kids, i dreamed of staying home to take care of our children.
The thing i love most about you is your sneeze. You don't apologize for your sneeze. You sneeze and say "boopsie".
And now i'm the biggest fool who ever lived, because i'll never know why you said "boopsie".
People sometimes laughed at me for carrying around my pack all the time...but in the end i was right...the batteries on my mini-Maglite are dimming, but i can write to you...the funny part is that you may even read this. If you are, please smile. Please. Nothing else in the world is so beautiful.
Head hurts...
I have dreamed everything about you...how i would kiss and lick you, like i never have before...a system of unspoken signals...when we made love and you wanted another child, you would tap my shoulder...
I would never try to own you...
I am silly...
Should i have killed Shin? He was dying...all the oxygen he was using...if i could live twice as long, maybe...
Maybe...
Hard breathi...
I lov yo u