OkCupid

It happened.
I thought i was done with that world forever, but surrealia pandemis has pulled me back in.
I've returned to...online dating.
When Craigslist romance was legislated out of existence, it felt like time to make my love connections all real-world. I'd had fun with CL, and even found a couple wonderful romances, but switching to a paid site invoked a level of neediness that wasn't me.
Now...welcome to the oppression of three covid months without touching another humyn. Which wasn't so very different from the three months before (2.5 years since my last lover), except psychologically. I was suddenly removed from POSSIBILITY, it felt like. All social occasions, erased.
Then i remembered a friend talking about a new non-paid site. A cornerstone of that site is the upsell to paid status, but i entered, determined to maintain my purity. OkCupid isn't a appallingly/gloriously anarchic sea of ads like CL, it's a place to create a profile (with pictures) and search profiles sent your way, based on statistical compatibility.
Skeptics, feel free to pooh.
There are three possible reactions to each profile: pass, "like", or like+message. If someone likes you back, you can chat. If not, they're gone. With free status, you can only read messages - you see the number of likes you're getting, but not who they're from (a clever upsell, for in the first week i got forty likes, but zero messages). It's obvious this causes consternation, because many profiles open with "messages pleeeeeease". Creating my profile was sometimes fun, though also frustrating fitting my unconventionality/complexity into the questions they pose, which appear in a profile subsection.
You quickly have to come to grips with the dehumynizing aspect. Marketing ourselves as commodities...there is a cold efficiency to it, as you can "pass" a profile with a quick glance at pictures or keywords. For me, those words are "christian" and "drinker/smoker" (astrology is also a red flag). My quick visual turn-offs are makeup, obesity, and dull eyes. It's here where shallowness creeps (or charges) in, because a hormonal response can make one more tolerant of an unlikely profile. The inverse also pertains. My two most powerful triggers are pictures and the answer to "how often do you want sex" - an "everyday" can make my eyes dilate. Don't misunderstand...i'm open to (and desirous of) a deep emotional connection of any conceivable duration. But on the surface, it's hard to see past how howlingly lonely and horny i am.
In spite of all that, the opposite of shallowness can prevail! I'll occasionally read a profile so startling or resonant, i'll ignore a lesser visual response or verbal red flags.
If i follow a profile all the way to the questions subsection, i'll go to "disagreements" first, still on the lookout for god/drugs/greed. At the top of each profile, you're given a compatibility rating. My highest has been 98%, and lowest 50%. These can be illusory, indicative of non-pertinent questions answered, or too small a batch - it's up to each individual how many they answer. Still, there's something exciting about a 90+ match, even for us unmateable wildflowers.
On my profile, i declare an openness to polyamory, but i've yet to message any of the mated wimyn looking for more. In theory it sounds nice, but i fear being disposable...
It's bizarre how many seemingly-intelligent females sound very Stepford. Travel, travel, travel, their lives seem to revolve around travel. Look at them abroad, they're so EARNEST about travel! Are they trying to impress others, or themselves? Filtering out the non-rich? Am i too cynical? Travel is wonderful, but it pales with being comfortable in your skin, alive in the moment and in the humyn community.
In one month, i've had only had two chats. One was with a christian womyn in Kenya, who triggered my hormones and curiosity over why she'd "liked" me. I invited her to dive into openness, but she didn't (or couldn't). The other, a local womyn, fizzled after a couple notes - perhaps neither of us were deeply interested. Most of my messages go unanswered...which i find surprising. Am i not as impressive as i think? Too open and honest? My photos were originally all flattering, then i added some late-night selfies. Objectively, i know i'm looking for one in a...thousand? Ten thousand? A womyn bursting with brilliance, unconventionality, and integrity, who doesn't self-medicate, talk to invisible friends, or care about money. Yeah, i know...
I suppose on a simpler level, i just want a lover who isn't annoying (cue the mellencamp!). How can that feel like the impossible dream?
On the positive side, OKC has been a boon, psychologically. It's actually restored some semblance of connection with humynity...even if it's only potential, the possibility of interacting with real humyns is a gift, as i essentially live alone in a pandemic.
And...i upped to paid status.
Not for long!
Just the minimum, one month, because i was dying to see the "likes" i'd accumulated, and also to offer you a deeper look into this world. For $40, i got to see...and at a glance, it was a hot mess! Had ANY of them read my profile? Are they all even real (one is wary of OKC creating fake profiles). A third were geographically impossible, and at least another third patently wrong for me. NONE of them resonated with "yes!"...or even a solid maybe. And curiously, with paid status, new likes slowed to a trickle.
But i've become tolerant of likes without messages. It's a buffer between interest and action, a way of putting a pin in someone (once you pass, there's no going back). A like can say "the ball's in your court...despite my reservations, this prize might be yours!"
It's been interesting to observe my own psychology at work. I listed my age preference as 25-55. I try not to skew toward younger, but mostly fail. I'm being a bit unfair - there are plenty of fortysomething doors on which i've knocked. Nonetheless, i'm clearly NOT avoiding wannabe moms. On my profile, i put "might want children", which isn't a lie...but is more reflective of this unending midlife crisis, where children (plus a mommy) guarantee (theoretically) unlimited daily love and intimacy, which i've missed so much in my life it viscerally hurts. Objectively, i know that having children might be a disaster for me, in terms of maximizing my happiness and what i have to offer the world. Plus, parenthood is where sex and sleep go to die. But i also crave the intensities of pregnancy...to be with a womyn every strange step of that journey (one friend called those nine months the best sex of her life). I offer a highly intellectual/athletic genotype wrapped in the most playful, gentle phenotype...it's so bizarre, feeling that if the right womyn called me on my impregnation fantasies, i'd plunge.
Another psychological factor is the awareness that i've never had the best lover of my life...to love in the ways it's taken me so long to learn, without walls or fear...there's an escalating desperation to have that before i'm old.
Another reason my likes skew younger is because many wimyn my age look flat-out old. That's not mere shallowness...my attitudes and physiology are those of someone younger. Probably much younger.
It's also clear that i'm skewing toward wimyn of color. Anyone surprised?
Okay, now for the fun. Here it is, streaking up the charts with a bullet...wrob's OkCupid profile!
MY SELF-SUMMARY
Love without fear or negotiation...anybody? Wildflower trying to fix the world. Ukulele blues comedian and nature boy (cyclist/pacifist/nudist/feminist/secular humanist). Part leader, part loner, part-time nerd. I don't believe in jealousy (though i'll do monogamy). Clubs, bars, and dress codes suck, bonfire drums rule! My response to a world of poverty and oppression is to live as freely as possible, possessing only what i need. Merriment is paramount - irony, gallows, prankery, pillow-thumping. To cry, or laugh 'til you pee, go to the YouTube channel "wrob's naked meadow".
CURRENT GOAL
A world (or website!) where no one has to sell themselves?
I COULD PROBABLY BEAT YOU AT
7:03. Then you could beat me at 7:04, 7:09, and 2:55?
I VALUE
Radical kindness, radical honesty.
A PERFECT DAY
3 hours playing/exploring
2 hours creating
1 hour performing
1 hour massage
2 hours sex
1 hour music/reading
Holding a baby (or puppy)
THE MOST PRIVATE THING I'M WILLING TO ADMIT
Secrets? Never. How about mild depression from lowering my emotional walls too far, and carrying the weight of the world? Small talk makes my spirit shrivel. At a party, i usually end up with the kids, pets, or climbing a tree.
WHAT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR
Someone who laughs at themself, and knows how to go deeply into their soul. Low-maintenance! No makeup, heels, or shaving? Yes please. Automatic baby privilege for a real afro.
LEVEL 5 VEGANS ARE...
Too sexy for their pants?