OkCupideux

(a follow-up to https://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2020/07/okcupid.html)

Since the last essay, i changed my status to include an openness to "hookups", partly out of writerly curiosity, and partly because after a month, i'd finally exhausted the profiles under my previous parameters (it's impressive it took me that long, as i was averaging maybe a half hour of scanning per day). Which is not to say i'm entirely averse to a hookup...under the right circumstances, maybe. But despite my insanity-inducing untouched loneliness, the thought of emotionless intimacy makes me shudder. Not that all hookups are inherently unemotional...
Or are they?
It's like polyamory. Theoretically, yes...but it would take an exceptional womyn to make me comfortable. I just got a message from an Oakland womyn looking for an ongoing thing. Her personality seems ballsy and fun...hell, she even likes Star Trek...but her pictures trigger no hormonal response. Should i try to get over that? Or send a polite no thank you? Say nothing? What's the correct spiritual choice?? Aaagh.
Remember i told you how surprised i was at the large percentage of wimyn who haven't responded to my messages? There's a flip side - an element of unspoken relief any time a womyn ignores me. On a deep psychological level, i've gotten used to the idea that there may be no womyn alive truly right for me. Rationally, i want to reject that...i mean, i'm alive, so there MUST be others like me! But...i've honestly never come close. A womyn who gets me, and triggers unqualified desire?
Not within a million miles, really.
But that may be more about the larger reality, that we live in a dysfunctional society of alienation and fear. All we learn as children is that EVERYTHING we give and receive must be negotiated. By the time we're adults, we have so many holes and wounds, all we can think to do is try to fill them with the "perfect" mate.
No lover could ever measure up.
And so i strive to be as uncomplicated and giving as i can.
But it's like trying to speak a language most people don't know exists.
So...a part of me applauds any womyn who resists me. Good for you, darling, you've probably spared us both exquisite misery. I know too that sometimes i answer profiles that aren't much of a match, just because they trigger a hormonal response and i'm so mind-fuckingly alone.
Back to OKC, where humynity-sucking commodification reigns. There are SO many profiles, you keep thinking that eventually a perfect one will come along.
Maybe for most, that's true?
But it's always painful reducing people to two dimensions.
Even though i'm quite good at it.
For example, there are all sorts of red flags that can make me pass by. There are the biggies (drugs/god/makeup/greed), but bemusingly small ones too. Like a fondness for scary movies. That quirk can send me howling in terror - there's something about the psychology of people who like scary movies, that strikes me as unexamined. A fondness for such films is actually probably a healthy response to this fear-based world...a scary movie lets you face demons vicariously and safely, with the added benefit that the hero we're supposed to identify with, usually prevails. Happy (or at least not-dead) ending!
So i understand the allure...
I just think most people who watch fright films are semi-idiots who have no idea why they like what they like.
Gawd, am i just an insufferable snob?
Or perhaps it's just any tolerance for glamorized gore, that frightens the hell out of me.
I also wondered whether exposure to all these profiles would lend credence to the folk wisdom that less visually attractive people have more attractive personalities, and vice versa. There doesn't seem to be a clear answer - when i recall the most stunning profiles, perhaps half were by lookers.
Okay, now for more fun! The cheeky caveats and commentary in the questions subsection of my OKC profile (i had to choose my primary answer from choices they provide).
And i have to admit, even though it was sometimes hard to contort my personality into their molds, overall they do a pretty good job...which can't be easy. They've clearly got at least one genuinely hip humyn creating site content.
RATE YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE
Very, very high
"Every single person you've ever met is an arrogant sociopath. I'm just the only one honest about it (visual - playful spark in my eyes)."
It blows my mind that in a month of scanning profiles, i only recall one womyn who also rated her confidence as very, very high. Is this about a culture that still teaches its daughters that wimyn are lesser than men, and boys still taught to be arrogant and daring? Is is about wimyn's greater emotional honesty?
DO YOU LIKE GOING TO WEDDINGS?
Not really
"Not really is the strongest possible negative answer? OKC, get your shit together."
WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE, WEIRD OR NORMAL?
Weird
"Some people want to be normal?"
COULD YOU DATE SOMEONE WHO DOES DRUGS?
No
"Wellll...maybe. I mean, we all have our brain-altering escapes of choice. Massage, music, maple syrup..."
COULD YOU DATE SOMEONE WHO WAS REALLY QUIET?
Yes
"We can talk or not talk for...hours (automatic baby privileges if you know this quote)."
ABOUT HOW LONG DO YOU WANT YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP TO LAST?
The rest of my life
"Best answer? No expectations, no limits."
HOW OFTEN DO YOU WANT SEX?
Every day
"Three times on Wednesday, then we can skip Thursday and maybe Monday."
COULD YOU DATE SOMEONE WITH NO LONG-TERM GOALS?
Yes
"I've never met anyone who knew how to be alive in the moment."
DO YOU OFTEN MAKE JOKES THAT OFFEND UPTIGHT PEOPLE?
Yes
"Maybe not often, certainly sometimes."
I adore wimyn who answer yes to this.
ARE YOU OPEN TO A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP?
Yes
"As long as the friendship isn't casual."
IMAGINE YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT OTHER WHO REVEALS THEY HAVE A VIDEO OF A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER FROM A PRIOR RELATIONSHIP. WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
Yes
"Get the popcorn!"
WHICH SUPERPOWER WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE, FLIGHT OR INVISIBILITY?
Flight
"Neither, i want the ability to see all truth."
DO YOU THINK THE MILITARY SHOULD BAN TRANSGENDER PEOPLE FROM SERVICE?
No
"No...i think the military should ban ALL people from service."
WHICH WORD DESCRIBES YOU BETTER, INTENSE OR CAREFREE?
Carefree
"Um...intensely carefree?"
HOW WILL YOU ADDRESS RACIAL INEQUALITY?
Educate myself/others
"Make an interracial baby!"
SHOWER SEX?
No thank you
"I'm too conscious of wasting hot water. But bidet sex, hell yes!"