airbrushed potatoheads

FORM Z
COSMETIC SURGICAL PROCEDURE APPLICATION
LA BREA TAR PITS CLINIC
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90038

Congratulations, prospective client! If you're an actor, like so many who come through our door, you've now made it through a sheaf of personal data sheets, insurance forms, and liability waivers that weigh nearly as much as the first script the "new you" will be offered in a few short months (actually, those months may not be "short" - they might be the most interminable crucible of pain you'll ever know).
This final form is the result of ongoing negotiations with the Medical Board of California. As part of their agreement (wink wink) to sanction surgical procedures that are "possibly" under-researched, we've agreed to this form's insertion in your pre-surgery packet. The text is provided by the MBC, with no editorial input from us (would that it were NBC instead!). Far be it from us at the La Brea Clinic to say anything that might dissuade you from your journey. The fact that 87% of all cosmetic surgery patients report satisfaction with the results tells you how you will feel when we peel those bandages away (well, actually not at that moment - that particular moment may be one of the most gruesome of your life, one that will feed your dark dreams forever).We would be remiss however, if we didn't point out that self-reported studies are by far the most unreliable. Might not cosmetic surgery patients, having invested an enormous amount of money and self-worth into a surgical gamble (and subsequently become a subject of intense scrutiny and judgment by everyone who knows them) have cause to claim that "everything's great", when perhaps the truth is far less simple?
But it is NOT our goal to dissuade you from going under our sterile knives.
Not that we couldn't make a compelling case.
We might mention the potentially-fatal blood clots, potentially-fatal reactions to being anesthetized, organ failure, internal bleeding, hernias, and potentially-fatal infections.
We could talk about those, but we won't. We're focused on the bigger picture, the one that says that someday, a century from now at most, surgical procedures will be so advanced that those concerns will be but a quaint memory.
In that vein (Vein. Vain. Get it? Ha!), we could also talk about the physical side effects you may soon "experience": inflammation and bruising for weeks or months, headaches, nausea, scarring that may or may not be prominent and permanent, necrosis (dead, oxygen-depleted skin tissue), and seromas (don't ask). But we like to think of those possibilities as just fodder for romantic anecdotes you'll be telling decades from now, to youngsters for whom physical perfection achieved painlessly is as taken-for-granted as sliced bread.
To be sure, we could also talk about the psychological side effects you might experience after your scars have faded (or not). Depression, social isolation, family problems, or self-destructive behavior. The feeling that everyone is looking at you cannot strictly be called a "side effect", because everyone you know actually WILL be looking at you (or trying not to, which amounts to the same thing). We don't recommend you dwell on these possibilities, because we can't speak with any certainty about them - there are almost no longitudinal studies available on the psychological effects of cosmetic surgery (and the few that do exist are contradictory). Studies are currently being made, which will no doubt be of GREAT benefit in a decade or two. Whether it was irresponsible of the medical profession to perform millions upon millions of medically-unnecessary surgeries over the past half-century without understanding the psychological and physical ramifications...that's a question we suggest you address to the Medical Board of California. They do wonderful work.
And please don't be concerned that we haven't "perfected" our techniques. Admittedly, our most famous survivors (er, clientele) resemble, well, airbrushed potatoheads. But there are NO reliable studies available to indicate that airbrushed potatoheads are dislikable or unsexy!
No, we don't think all those considerations should concern you. Because we work diligently toward that glorious day when cosmetic surgery will be available to every man, woman, and child, with no physical risks or recuperative period whatsoever. Bodies and body parts will one day be as replaceable and subject to fashion as bestsellers and bathing costumes. The fact that you are sitting in our lobby shows that you "get" this. Anyone in your life who doesn't, merely displays their ignorance of the unstoppable spirit of this great land of ours.
No, all those concerns are as nothing, and will soon be washed away by the tides of time.
The only concerns which are not so skin-deep (rim shot!) are these:
By any reasonable measure, we live in the most ageist society the human race has ever known. We are certainly the most media-driven society ever...and in our magazines and moving pictures, old people are marginalized or outright invisible. If we do not learn to once again see nobility and beauty in the natural aging process of every human being, might not our nation's legacy be the greatest act of collective self-loathing in the history of the world?
The average price of cosmetic surgery is $7000. On the day of your surgery, 16,000 children will starve to death. Were you to face even one, then discover that your $7000 could feed her or him, not for a day, but for 36,842 days...could you resume your steps toward this clinic? Would that make you one of the most callously self-absorbed creatures ever to walk the planet? Is it inconceivable that in another time or place, you'll be put on trial for a crime against humanity?
One final question. On the day of your surgery, who will win? We feel entirely comfortable in saying that YOU might win! As long as you're comfortable with a win that extends no further than the tip of your nose (Tip of your nose...ha!). If convincing essentially shallow people (and who among us isn't?) that you are more likable than you were before (without improving your mind or your manners) can be called a victory, then you'll soon be able to proudly take your place in the winner's circle.
But on your surgical day, there will be two other winners far, far greater. These winners will dance on your head, claiming you as their new apostle.
These winners?
Insecurity and vanity.
On that day, you will stand and be counted, declaring for all time the world you would leave for our children.
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