I found this ad today on the Craigslist W4M romance site. I couldn't resist my response, which follows. What do you think? To what extent is she joking? To what extent am i?
ALLOW ME
So, you’ve got a great job, a house, a car. Your friends are encouraging and supportive. Your family adores you. Dogs, cats, and children flock to you. But, you’re just missing that little something. You just need a little more flavor. Something to keep you on your toes. I’ve met your type before and I know just what you need. I can provide you with a ration of anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, and newfound paranoia. I am also willing to upset the most solid of friendships, anger your mother, and challenge your ability to keep your job. I can convince you that you are responsible for my well-being and, despite the havoc I leave in my wake, you will be inexplicably attracted to me. I’m sure you’re wondering how I will accomplish this feat. That is not important. My undeniable sex appeal, charm, and natural talent for mayhem will not fail. What you should be asking is why. Why would you want this? Well, you’ll be the first to admit that your comfortable life is getting quite dull. Once our courtship ensues you will have a renewed appreciation for the ho-hum. You’ll catch glimpses of the life you once had…casual drinks after work, football on Sundays, barbeques in the summertime…and though you’ll long for those days, you will feel wounded, crippled, unable to crawl back to that time. Eventually, though, I will feel you’ve had enough. I will leave you helpless, friendless, and so accustomed to my insatiable sex drive that you will continue to be isolated, frightened, and incapacitated in my absence. A ghost from your past life will find you, just before you turn to hard drugs to soothe your scarred psyche, and will nurse you back to emotional health. This journey, this voyage will create a lifetime of unwavering appreciation for all of the things you had once thought to be dull. Food will taste better. Laughter will be more joyful. Warm human contact will be orgasmic. Plus, you will have an abundance of interesting stories to share with your loved ones. This experience may even lead to a new career as a motivational speaker. Why am I willing to offer this life changing experience? Well, frankly, I really need a good back rub right now.
(my response:)
NO, ALLOW ME!
So, you feel comfortable in your place in this world. You understand the scope of your charms, and feel no compunction using them to get what you want. You feel no compunction using people either. If they're idiotic enough to obsess over you because you understand some basic psychology and look a little like Christy Turlington...well, nobody's twisting their arms.
Then i come along. And your sense of values gets turned upside down. You realize that the reason you've never felt loved is because you've never been able to take down your walls to really let someone in. I teach you things you've never known about the human nature that's been buried by this horror show of a post-agricultural society. I teach you about the science of attraction, and how a child might grasp the difference between lust and love, but the more advanced understanding belongs to one who understands the difference between the hormonal state of "in love", and companionate love. You begin to see this society in a different way, and will never again not be disturbed by someone who has a flashy SUV and a penthouse apartment while 16,000 children die of starvation today.
Mostly, you realize that no one in your life, not Mom nor Dad, has ever loved you as unconditionally...sought out every farthest corner of your spirit...or made you feel so mindlessly loved as you do when you're in my arms. You stop coloring your hair and engage in a more physically active life, just to be like me.
And then i move to an intentional community in Mauritius, to teach you a spiritual lesson about letting go. And you walk through your world in a daze, disgusted by the smallness and meanness of everyone you meet.
And why would i even want to give any of this to you, when you're not yet on my spiritual plane? Because i just gotta know how much of your ad was real, and how much was a bizarre sense of humor.
And i desperately need three backrubs.
all my love,
wrob
1 comment:
You both are using humor to disguise the fact that every word is true, you are horrible, horrible creatures, and God the angry Father will punish you for all the hearts you've wrecked and minds you have confused .... Besides that, however, it's a great response, and if she doesn't write back, it calls into question the premise of her original post.
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