dear elisabeth

Dear Elisabeth,
Will this be another of Carly's "letters never sent"?
I miss you. There's a little nugget of emptiness inside me that tugs away now and then, at the thought of never again being with you...of never again holding you. Even though i always knew we weren't life-partner compatible, i thought we'd figure out how to be in each other's lives. I thought you'd eventually figure out how my love could make some sort of sense in your life. For a few years, it almost worked. Then last year, something in you said "enough", and i was banished. I accepted it, because that's what love does.
It's so hard to not get caught up in traditional social constructs of how a man and woman must love one another. We feel the urge to measure our relationships by certain roles. Some of that is natural, some of it is not.
I always knew that it just felt so right and healing, being in your arms. Several of the most intense and beautiful sexual moments of my life came in loving you. And there were several moments of simply holding you, that will always be as memorable to me as anything sexual we shared.
And i was never able to tell you one thing...as time went by, a little part of me started to think about being with you in a more bonded way...part of me began to want to try it...was this merely the voice of loneliness, just as most surely the voice of loneliness brings me to you today, when sadness and rawness choke down my wounded spirit? I could never tell you i had started to think about being more than an occasional lover/friend, partly because i didn't want to come to you with anything less than certainty...the fact that you are a single mother of a wonderful child only increased my need to never be reckless...
But even now, it's so hard to not send you this note, instead of posting it on a site where you will not see it. Even now, many months after you said goodbye, it's so hard to not show up on your doorstep, a frail human being who only wants to love, and be loved. Even now, i know you are in my spirit forever...
I love you so,
rob