"Muppet Treasure Island"

1996
-directed by Brian Henson
The fourth Muppet sequel played a central part in the birth of this quest (although "sequel" feels like a not-entirely accurate term, as the only through line in the films is the characters). When i picked up this dvd, i had never seen it, and it is a reflection of the old muppetaversionintuition that it then sat unwatched for years.
And it was indeed, pretty darn bad. Not "i hate it" bad, but...resolutely, indisputably flat, depressingly forced, a shadow of the magic that once was.
With the exception of one scene, but we'll get back to that later.
One actually feels sorry for Kermit, watching this film. You can see in his eyes, in his body language, that he only did this for the money. I'm joking, i guess...i know it's ridiculous to imbue a glorified sock puppet with human characteristics. But good god, you tell me that frog isn't sleepwalking through this turkey! You make a clip collage of actors doing "paycheck" movies (Deniro in ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE, Julia or Hopper in those video game movies, Affleck in PAYCHECK), splice in Kermit's scenes, and it will all feel quite natural. Admittedly, he nearly came alive during the climactic scene. But generally, the feeling of "that's not Kermit" was all too alive and well. The human actors did their best. Henson went back to having "name" actors in supporting roles. Billy Connolly is nearly very funny, Jennifer Saunders is nearly funny, and it's hard to imagine an actor giving a more game performance than Tim Curry, as Long John Silver. He's believable, he's...well, i struggle to say more, because what he ultimately is, is void of any "zowie" quotient. I don't think any of the actors could have given more than they did, though. Well...perhaps Kevin Bishop as Jim Hawkins. Through little fault of his own, his character is the weakest link in the film. Was he perhaps a little too old? It's funny, in the film commentary Henson tries to compliment Bishop, but it comes out as maudlin and hysterically left-handed. He says that Bishop was actually the first "Jim" they auditioned, and they then proceeded to see thousands of other actors before coming back to him. It was meant to come across as "silly us, we had it right with the very first one", but instead sounds like a desperate search to find someone, anyone better than this guy. Part of it is his singing voice, it's too high. Which, one discovers, was exactly the problem. Production of a movie as complex as this takes a long time, and by the time they got to primary filming, it was a year after casting, and Kevin's pubescent voice was cracking. So the singing vocals they had to use were his rehearsal vocals from the year before. The end effect was just the feeling of something being off.
But i do not lay the fault for this film's failure at Kevin's feet, bless him. The feeling of flatness extended far beyond. And i don't wish to crucify anyone - the average viewer has no conception of how MIND-BOGGLINGLY complicated it is to create something like Muppet magic, especially on a scale as ambitious as this. There are a million and three factors that go into just one single moment. The other Muppet performances were also pretty uninspiring. A forced Fozzie, Rizzo with a still-too-big part, Gonzo unfortunately yoked to Rizzo, Piggy rather adrift (an apt metaphor), and i'm now resigned to Rowlf being gone forever. Most notably painful were Statler and Waldorf. These two had been the best of the original Muppet world, and here it felt like the director had pulled some uninterested actors off the street, played one old clip for them, and then said "action". On the positive side, Sam the Eagle as Mr. Arrow was...pretty cool. And Sweetums had one nice moment.
And...
There was one scene, one character, that was so off-the-charts funny and perfect that for a moment, you were time-lifted back to a childhood dreamland. How this one scene, surrounded by a sea of haplessness, could exist...i know not, but it happened. Blind Pew. A new Muppet character (but not entirely new, for fans of the original show). He has only one scene, but he grabs that moment, and...words fail me, it's that wonderful. Jerry Nelson, the original voice of Robin and The Count and others, reaches into the universe of magic and we are once again reminded what a beautiful, amazing place this world can be. Blind Pew lifts this film one star rating above what it would otherwise have been.
And googily moogily, i never imagined i would use this reference, but the merit is too startling to ignore. I give you Blind Pew, recipient of the 1996 Cave Girl Award.
There's little else to say. Forgettable music sure didn't help the cause. Strangely, i discovered that there is one very entertaining way to view this movie: with the director's commentary on. Brian gives a wonderful window into the Muppet world.
2 stars.