rainy day blues

Not that rain makes me sad.
Often, quite the opposite. Perhaps especially so today, as the three months of rain we usually get was only three days this year, and waiting for California to catch fire seems to be just another spring ritual now.
It happens to be rainy today though, and i'm lonely, a feeling slightly amplified by coronavirus isolation. My social life is being cancelled pell mell. So shouldn't i be making a coronobaby, instead of contemplating a day on Earth almost entirely alone?
I hate that it always comes back to sex for me, this alienation we feel...that filter feeds into the notion that if we just get our romantic life in line, all will be well! Which is seven kinds of dysfictional. But sex is by far my greatest wound.
Nor is virus-induced solitude an entirely bleak prospect. Before the library shuttered, i loaded up on cds, books, and dvds...and you could easily argue that alone time is saner than trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with one of the damaged, codependent wastes walking around out here impersonating a person.
Anyway, let's check my (non) options...
My neighbor A is the most scraping ponderment. We've exchanged social pleasantries for six months. She keeps offering to make me curtains, she's hinted that i can call her whenever, and she's expressed an inebriated interest in knowing me better. She's intellectual, older, independent, and perhaps very analytical/practical, which might make a relationship easy. She also might be a bit cold or detached. Am i attracted? I'm not sure. I've never felt any particular spark, which should be a warning sign...though i've started fantasizing about her regularly. Hardly a surprise. I find her agreeable to talk with and look at, but her heavy smoking (and perhaps drinking) should perhaps be BIG warning signs. But it's hard to say, "Hey, would you like a beautiful friend-with-benefits relationship, with no expectation on where it might or mightn't lead?" I see her almost everyday, and if things turned sour...should i ask her whether she's found her friend for the end of the world? Something so blatant might come across as creepy, but perhaps self-sabotage is the way to go.
There's N, a clerk at my grocery store. I've given her my card. She's never called, but still gives me a megawatt smile from far across a room. Her intellectual horizons might be limited. There are predatory romantic realities we're all taught, which i've been fighting forever but never go away. I hate being aware that she's gained weight, which might make her self-worth and cultural value decrease. I feel ready to not care about such things, but i don't know how to lose that AWARENESS. Physically i feel a strong pull, but our differences would probably sabotage any conventional relationship. My non-sexual fantasy is that she stops by my place after every work shift, for a foot rub and conversation with a friend she can tell anything.
There's D, a friend of a friend i met once, and was blown away with desire. Smart, foreign-born, with gentle energy...it's so easy to project a million beautiful fantasies (even insane, baby-making ones). My friend wants to match us up, but those plans have been shelved, as that friend has a bad cold, and in this coronaclimate...
So with almost no healthy options, my anguished loneliness has nowhere to go. The balance and equanimity we should all feel, is a dream. I was just "friended" online by a womyn who's heard me perform, and thinks i'm hilarious. She seems dynamic and dedicated, and i just want to pour my battered spirit into her, like a drowning man grasping at a bubble of air...an almost-total stranger, yet i want her to read this, and ask, "Wait, you want a sexual connection between us??", so i can reply "NO! Probably not." But when you're broken and off-balance, you go where the wound is deepest.
Just relax, wisdom tells me...
But for those of us trying to de-anesthetize our feelings, this world is where wisdom goes to die. This should be the time of my life when my achievements in inner stillness ought make me a beacon of peace and healing...but the lowered emotional walls that are part of my spiritual journey have made me relentlessly vulnerable to the pains and fears inside and all around.
I just wrote a song called "The Walkalone Blues"...