dreamscrape?

Last night i had one of the most beautiful dreams of my life.
A dream so breathtaking, i would be devastatingly tempted to live there if given the chance, forgoing this "real" world and all the good i might be able to effect like no one else.
Was it a vision of a world where all are free, secure, and loved? Where no humyns or other animals are raped, exploited, or genocided? A far-off planet of gentle aliens who take us into their care?
No, nay, nope.
It was sex! A vision of carnality so searing, that i'll be distracted for days to come. A womyn appeared naked inside my personal space (i too was naked, of course). She was a fair representative of the dream lover i've carried inside my touch/love-deprived mind ever since adolescence. She was, um, asian (well...). Thin, smallish, with long hair. Deep eyes of light and pain (one of the wounded ones...but aren't we all?). Her intrusion into my space was followed by hesitation. Carnality consumed me like nothing i'd ever known. She seemed to feel the same, as she began holding me...yet the shadow of some third entity was pulling her away. I held on. It became almost coercion - i would not, could not, let go. We achieved shallow penetration, and still she paused.
Then i awoke, with 5AM morning wood burrowing into the softnesses of my bed.
I had to get up for work in an hour. Should i go back to sleep, to be better rested for the day ahead? My erection was so intense and the dream ripples so searing, that i reached for the oil and an hour of self-love...
...and then arose into a world in which i'd recently learned that i was a pedophile. Or rapist. Or both.
I've been reading about neoteny, the retention of childhood characteristics into adulthood. Humyns are one of the most neotenous animals on the planet, more creatively playful than adults of other species. And wimyn are more physically childlike - they're shorter, with more body fat and higher voices. Less hairy, with smaller noses and brows and chins. Their eyes show more white. What's the point of infantile physical features? A baby's big eyes, soft curves, and high voices trigger protective, adoring responses. And just so, the infantile features of wimyn trigger protective and adoring responses from males. Nature is far smarter than you or i, and is implacably single-minded. What nature wants is babies, but it also knows that child-bearing wimyn are vulnerable, so...their appearance screams "adore and protect me"!
As a male, do i mind being manipulated like this? Nah.
What does trouble me though, is the thought of full breasts and wide hips COMBINED with infantile features...doesn't that make all straight men basically pedophiles? And if some get confused over where the boundary lies, they at least deserve pity and understanding.
I'm not excusing pedophilia. It's a behavior you can only find in a species horribly out of balance with its own needs and nature...which is exactly where humynity finds itself. For the past twenty thousand years, we've drifted further and further from the communal, sexual nature we'd developed since we split from the other apes. It's spiraled exponentially since the industrial revolution, until now we're just walking caricatures...confused, repressed, fearful, uncomfortable in our skin...and at that juncture, there is no perversion or abuse that won't occur.
The natural neoteny of the female is magnified if she wears eye makeup. She's super-babyfying herself (even if she isn't aware of it). She's basically shouting "Hey you pedophilically-inclined folk, get a load of THIS hot stuff, cha-cha-cha!" As for those sick fucks over at japanimation, the less said the better.
Anyway...
Understanding the neoteny of wimyn may bug me out for a while. When i see them on the street now, i shout out in my head, "AAAAAANH! You're just frankensteinian baby-adults!! What laboratory of horrors MADE you?? I would be disgusting to be attracted to a BABY-ADULT!!! You're just so...oh, oh look at you, you're kinda cute..." (kissy noises)
Did you know that the brain doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality? That on the synaptic level, doing something or just imagining it trigger identical brain patterns? So on a primal level, the brain doesn't know that dreams aren't real. Ergo, i have had the most beautiful sex of my life with my (literal and figurative) dream lover.
Except...i forgot, it wasn't exactly "most beautiful". There was a touch of coercion, which makes me on some level...a rapist?
Yes? No?
Get the fuck out of my head, you fucked-up world!!
I hate longing for lost ignorance.
During that hour of self-love, i didn't ejaculate. I rarely do. I bring myself to the sexual peak, then plateau without going over. It's a taoist thing, so the body can reabsorb all that energy and nutrient. Maybe it's hooey, but i like it. I've become reluctant to ejaculate at all, because i don't like the empty feeling that follows. For hours or more, a male who has ejaculated doesn't feel that keen edge of lust. This may be perverse of me, but i don't like not desiring sex constantly. Objectively, post-ejaculation peace should be a window in which i can focus on creativity and friendship without distraction. I SHOULD enjoy that...heck, maybe i should want it all the time. But i hate not being hungry for sex. Maybe it's the desperation of being middle-aged without having found the greatest lover of my life. Maybe it's a reflection of how wounded i am, especially where my mistreated, malnourished sex drive is concerned.
I don't know.
I love you all.