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Want to know why straight males are intimidated by lesbians? It's not the thought that wimyn don't need a penis...it's the thought that we should be able to satisfy them EVEN WITHOUT ONE. When it comes to sex, that wing dang dingle down there is pretty much our only trick. It's not much of a trick...we know, we know.

True skill in hurting others requires endless practice at hurting oneself.

Wouldn't it suck if you choked to death because you didn't take a breath before you took a bite, and there wasn't enough air in your lungs for a good heimlich?

The only problem i have with the research that demonstrates non-believers are more intelligent than believers, is this - what if it's a case of confusing cause and effect? Are intelligent people more prone to non-belief, or does non-belief make one smarter?

Know how some music open mics have a one-song limit? I'm going to write a political song called "Filibuster". It will be twenty-seven hours long.

After 9/11, americans lost some civil liberties. But it's alright - we weren't using them anyway.

Whenever i pass a Church of the Living God, i always think "Doesn't that imply that somewhere there must be a church of the dying god?" I can never find that church in my neighborhood.

You have two choices in this world - self-deception or self-destruction. The more "normal" you are, the closer your balance is between the two.

If you absolutely cannot avoid a religious debate with a believer, try these two questions:
1) If you'd been born in another culture, would you be a (insert "wrong" religion of their choice)?
2) If there were no god, would some people believe in one anyway?
If you get any kind of rational response, DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK. Get out while you can.

There is only one path to being really and truly alive. Get over yourself.

If i had a time machine, i'd go to 1953, abduct elizabeth taylor (eight marriages), go to 1378, abduct Henry VIII (six marriages), bring them back to the present and strand them on a desert island. Now THAT'S a reality TV show.