not-ends 32

There are only two ceremonies i refuse to attend - marriage and funeral. Come to think of it, there's only one kind.

The first freedom is freedom from family. The second freedom is freedom from friends. The third freedom is freedom from lover. The final freedom is freedom from self.

Do you suppose there was anyone waiting in heaven to slut-shame god the day he got mary pregnant?

Once upon a time, workers had to fight for the right to work only ten hours a day. Then it was the struggle for eight hours. The people celebrated. How many million americans work two jobs...and who's laughing now?

The average human farts fourteen times a day. Factor in the number of viewers on this site at any given moment, and i've calculated that in the time it takes you read this, another viewer just farted. It was you, wasn't it?

I am sick of all this bullshit about "the greatest american generation". It's inaccurate AND misplaced. The men who fought WWII simply did what they were told. The moral credit for that war belongs to the soldiers' fathers and grandfathers. They saw that benito, tojo, and adolf were dominating and exploiting the weak, and said "Wait a minute - that's OUR job".

Winter fishermen have well-drilled iceholes.

The greatest obstacle to human progress is our capacity for self-delusion.

Did you ever notice that jewish women are amazing in bed, and jewish men lousy? Anybody have a line on that?

I bought a shirt at a garage sale that read "Jingle Bells, All Girls Smell". I thought i could wear it ironically. But when i tried, i just couldn't do it. So i got my scissors out, and snipped away the "m"...and now i can wear it! It's still repulsive (and selectively persecutorial, as men sell themselves just as fervently as women), but now it's at least ironically repulsive and conversation-provoking.

Studies have revealed that in every humyn society, the three happiest words are identical. A nobel-winning scientist has postulated that if we combine these words into one phrase, and make that phrase part of every culture, poverty and war might soon end. Those three words? "Naked boobie hug". It's time for the naked boobie hug world peace movement.