well-maladjusted

When i was young, i prided myself on being one of the most well-adjusted, healthy people you might ever meet.
Ah, the power of self-delusion.
Or more accurately, the power of socialization plus rationalization and denial.
One day, we may discover that the capacity for adapting to unnatural (and unhealthy) conditions is perhaps our species most prominent characteristic. Our highly-social nature makes it imperative that we do whatever we have to, in order to get the feedback we require. That urge can blind us to no end of neglected needs. At the moment, we live in such a touch-deprived, sexually repressed, fear-based culture of alienation, that the "average" person lives their entire life much closer to full-blown insanity than he or she ever imagines. Most of us are able to keep it together (more or less), because...what other choice is there? And many can even convince ourselves that not only are we okay, we're...great! In a properly "socialized" (or brainwashed) individual, the power of positive thinking is a staggeringly potent force.
Like young me. I was one of those people who might occasionally burst out loud laughing while walking down the street, just thrilled to be alive.
That's a nice thought, but objectively what the hell did i have to be so happy about?
As a white male of the middle (or upper middle) class in the richest country in the world, i was somewhat insulated from many of the fears that cripple the majority of humanity - fears of simple subsistence and safety. I wasn't exempt entirely of course, as i lived in a "look out for number one" culture, and understood that an abyss of poverty awaited anyone who failed to do so properly.
Let's assume that my formative experiences were reasonably close to average. As a member of this society, i was not by any stretch of the imagination surrounded by love and acceptance that manifested in abundant, meaningful physical intimacy. Quite the opposite. Starting in adolescence, i only ever had real physical intimacy during sex - and since my society provided no automatic, daily addressing of those needs, i pretty much only ever got to be held for a few stolen moments here and there. By the time i was an adult, i had already accumulated thousands of nights alone and unheld...with objectively no relief in sight.
Oh, in my mind my future was filled with an unending procession of days and nights in some beautiful woman's arms...but in reality that goofy guy laughing out loud walking down the street probably hadn't had sex in a month (or even a year). He was profoundly, ridiculously touch-deprived. How could he be so deliriously happy?
The power of self-delusion.
Fast forward a couple of decades. I decided that i wanted to experience emotions and perceptions more honestly and directly, without so much of that enormous wall of personality i'd been constructing all my life. How does it really FEEL to fall in love? How does it really FEEL to go a month (or year) without any physical intimacy? I wanted to rid myself of as many layers of personality-filter as i could. I undertook this, because i wanted to better understand myself...and more importantly, better understand every other human.
I had such strength of personality as a young adult, that i needed virtually none of the crutches (alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sweets, pets) that help most people get through the day. Doctors told me that health-wise, i was in the top 5% (or better). And i certainly couldn't relate to the "weakness" of character that kept people in dysfunctional (or even abusive) relationships.
And now, after a few years of trying to honestly, fully FEEL every kindness, every cruelty, every hug, every laugh, every loneliness that this world has to offer? After a few years surrounded by infinitely more isolation than love, how am i doing?
Being around unkindness now has the power to make me feel sick to my stomach.
I've always had an occasional sweet tooth, but one that felt well-controlled - my pattern has long been to have some kind of dessert perhaps once a week. Sweets, salts, and fats fill our brains with feel-good dopamine and opoids. In the past year? I've had stretches of two, three, even four or five nights in a row with some kind of rich dessert. I've also noted an uptake in my potato chip intake.
It has long been my habit when dining at home alone, to watch some DVD as i eat. A sitcom for breakfast, and a one-hour show or half a movie with lunch or dinner. In the past year, at dinner i've found myself watching the whole movie, or two one-hour episodes. It was sporadic at first, but now it's all the time. What are movies/TV but pure escapism? And on a deeper level, with episodic shows we bond with the characters in such a way that they become as real to us as real people. On a subconscious level, our brains don't know they're not. So they fill a need for friendship...with the added benefit that TV characters will never betray or abandon us.
I haven't had sex in a long time, so i haven't had much deep human connection. Recently, i got a phone call from someone who proceeded to yell at me for at least fifteen minutes, even though i wasn't the cause of her unhappiness. In the days that followed, a part of me wanted her to call again. Being berated felt better than...nothing.
The paths of addiction, abuse, or obesity that so many of us walk down...i've stood at those doorways for the first time in my life.
I understand the force of will (conscious or sub-conscious) that's required of anyone, to avoid those paths.
Hopefully someday very soon, we'll all understand.
In the meantime, don't fix, just feel.
Don't scold, just hold.
Don't judge, just hug.
I love you all.