"The Six Million Dollar Man"

-created by harve bennett
1974-1978
Violent, sexist drivel.
I like to lead with the worst thing i can say about a show, especially if i'm going to gush a bit. Yes, at its worst it was little more than an american james bond, with two-dimensional bad guys, glamorous violence, cold war flag-waving, and a beautiful, willing woman waiting at the end. That said, the show also had many moments of violence-free, humanistic fare...for example, when steve is captured by a japanese soldier unaware the war is over, an air force colonel shows shame that the U.S. nuked human populations. Sometime during the first season the producers made the decision to rarely show murder, and steve austin joins a short but shining list of action heroes who refuse to use a gun (the look on his face when he's an undercover cop and must draw his sidearm, is wonderful). They also dialed down the lothario quotient, and female writers were not uncommon. Beyond the terrorists and megalomaniacs, the show also took on the I.R.A., ESP, environmental issues, and it was obvious that many of the creators came of age during the idealistic sixties. So if you can get past the obvious failings, the show had heart. Not EVERY women was an ineffectual, overemotional sex object...and the writing was often clever and thoughtful. Beyond all that, as a ride down retro road it's almost impossible not to laugh at the unabashed silliness. Series star lee majors (THE FALL GUY, SCROOGED) inhabits his role as the world's first cyborg with such ease and warmth, his iconic status is of a type known only to those with names like garner, shatner, and (dare i say it) dean anderson. I'm gushing, so let me just reiterate - impressionable minds should be kept six million miles away. But as an archaeological artifact that might just leave you hooting, you have my blessing.
NOTEWORTHY EPISODES (season)
[boldface = must-see]
-WINE, WOMEN, AND WAR (1)
The second of three telemovies that preceded the series, it's a burst of  irrepressible juiciness (and not just in contrast to the first telemovie, which is so glacially lifeless it makes STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE look breakneck - its heart was in the right place, but they were probably following the original novel far too closely). Action, sex, humor, come on down! They swerve in the james bond direction a bit too far, but it's a great ride nonetheless. Steve is sent on vacation to the Bahamas. His boss (the darling debut of richard anderson - FORBIDDEN PLANET, THE BIONIC WOMAN) may have ulterior motives, as he's soon embroiled in the illegal nuclear arms market. Britt ekland (THE WICKER MAN, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN) and eric braeden (THE RAT PATROL, COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT) are pitch-perfect as femme fatale and megalomaniac. As if all that weren't enough, the title theme music is performed by dusty springfield. It's sultry, syrupy and bears no resemblance the robust song on which they soon settled. How did this make NONE of her greatest hits collections?
-Rescue of Athena One (1)
Steve trains America's first female astronaut...farrah fawcett (majors, that is - LOGAN'S RUN, EXTREMITIES)! An orbital accident requires a rescue by a certain bionic man. He lays a faintly patronizing, sexist attitude on her, but it's too sweet and silly to be denied. Farrah looks surprisingly, touchingly unglamorous, lending her performance an aura of innocence before the Hollywood star machine got their hands on her. The story and visuals are first-rate...it would have been nice to have first-rate dialogue too, but one can't be greedy. Still, it would make a satisfyingly quirky marathon with APOLLO 13 and GRAVITY.
-The Pioneers (2)
Mike farrell (THE QUESTOR TAPES, M*A*S*H) plays an insane, super-human astronaut. No, i didn't make that up...but there are actually some nuanced, human moments.
-Taneha (2)
Steve comes to the aid of an old friend, who pleads with him to stop local ranchers from killing the last male golden cougar. Teamed up with a guide (jess walton - THE PEACE KILLERS, THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS) who would rather see the cougar dead, steve wins her over and sweet-talks the cougar while she gets rid of the rancher posse. Some eye-popping nature cinematography, plus heart and smarts...i suspect even the writer herself may not have known just how far on the wrong side of history lies our bloody, genocidal legacy of ranching.
-The E.S.P. Spy (2)
Steve teams up with an ESP prodigy (robbie lee - BIG BAD MAMA, RAINBOW BRITE) to track down baddies who have kidnapped another savant for brutal mental espionage, with dick van patten (WHEN THINGS WERE ROTTEN, EIGHT IS ENOUGH) as the target. It's disarming to see a tender, unself-conscious relationship between a man and a teen, with no sexual overtones. She's just a misfit who realizes she has a spiritual equal in steve. Really though, the most irresistible thing about this episode is the unintentional hilarity in the fact that the word "kinky" used to have a non-sexual denotation, and audrey repeatedly refers to herself as kinky.
-The Bionic Woman (2)
A chance meeting reunites steve with tennis pro jaime sommers, his unrequited childhood love. Steve has never been so loose and human...a wedding is planned, but a skydiving accident brings her to death's door! Oscar can't turn down steve's plea to save her (bionically). Jaime prepares for an OSI mission, but her body rejects the bionics. She dies. No, really. The screen debut of dana plato (CALIFORNIA SUITE, DIFF'RENT STROKES). What throws this one completely over the top is lee's singing of the "jaime" love theme. It's awful. It's sublime. You pick.
-Steve Austin, Fugitive (2)
It's about time someone realized the show was too male. Come on down, peggy callahan (jennifer darling - EIGHT IS ENOUGH, DARMA & GREG)! Oscar's new secretary (I guess it was that or rudy's nurse, right? In bennett's defense, he did have a female head of state in another episode.) finds herself as steve's only friend when he's framed for murder while oscar is out of town. Her pluck saves the day, and her charm wins the hero (we would too, steve, we would too). Sadly, she only came back for three more episodes, plus five BIONIC WOMANs.
-The Price of Liberty (3)
Worst 6MDM ever? A fine turn by chuck connors (THE RIFLEMAN, AIRPLANE II) is wasted on this mawkish slice of nationalism.
-The Song and Dance Spy (3)
Steve must accompany his college roommate john perry on a concert tour, as the government is convinced the pop star is selling government secrets. And who plays this college pal? Why, just sonny bono (THE SONNY AND CHER SHOW, AIRPLANE II). It turns out that john and steve were competitive college pranksters. Action, laughs, performances by sonny...priceless. And the baddie turns out to be his future wife, susie coelho (THE NORSEMAN, BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO), on the set where they presumably met.
-The Deadly Test (3)
Ohh, that this episode falls a bit flat. Tragic. The elements are irresistible - erik estrada (CHiPs, THE MODERN ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER) as an arabian prince pilot trainee who ends up hugging his mortal jewish rival. Fiction doesn't get much fictier. But the writing doesn't quite come together. Tim o'connor (BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY, Ssssssss) is also along, in an atypically butch role.
-Target in the Sky (3)
Thoroughly charming. Steve goes undercover as a lumberjack, and discovers a plot to shoot down Air Force 2. The duplicitous foreman is classic 70s "that guy" denny miller (V, TARZAN THE APE MAN), and he's never been more perfect. With seamless writing, the only thing keeping this from four stars is the underdevelopment of the touching chemistry between steve and lumber boss kelly (barbara rhoades - SOAP, THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST).
-The Blue Flash (3)
A lovely example of the show's humanism. Steve goes undercover as a longshoreman, and has a thoughtful relationship with a black woman and her son (without even a whiff of obligatory romance). He wears an earring, a mustache, and after a misstep, teaches the boy (rodney allen rippy - BLAZING SADDLES, OH GOD! BOOK II) about the power of science over superstition. A dandy guest turn by michael conrad (HILL STREET BLUES, THE LONGEST YARD).
-Clark Templeton O'Flaherty (3)
A charming turn by louis gossett jr. (ROOTS, AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN) as a janitor/secret agent in an episode that loses steam...
-The Winning Smile (3)
So okay, this episode establishes that the U.S. has not cracked cold fusion. Necessarily then, steve's nuclear-powered bionics are...fission-based?? He's got some kind of fission reactor...INSIDE HIS BODY??? Oy.
-Hocus-Pocus (3)
With an outsized, bravura performance by pernell roberts (BONANZA, TRAPPER JOHN M.D.) and another adorable turn by robbie lee as everyone's favorite teenage psychic, this charmer is off to the races, as steve goes undercover as...a magician. Bionic perfection - your gigglemeter will be amply engaged.
-The Secret of Bigfoot (3)
Seismic delight. Iconic, heart-pounding, frightening, silly, and wonderful. Steve tracks down a missing scientist in the wilderness, and is attacked by...bigfoot (andre the giant - THE PRINCESS BRIDE, MICKI & MAUDE)! But the big fella is simply an automaton, testing steve on behalf of peaceable aliens observing Earth. Steve is lured into their mountain outpost, through a wild rotating ice tunnel. Their scientist of bionics (stefanie powers - HART TO HART, HERBIE RIDES AGAIN) gets a fine case of austin crush. They plan to wipe his memories and release him, but oscar explodes an underground nuke, to prevent a California quake. Working with sasquatch, he helps save the alien survivors. His memory is erased, and he'll see them no more ever again...or will he? The greatest bionic fight ever - the stuff of indelible childhood memory. Toss in a quick jaime cameo plus no mustache-twirling villains, and it's all too marvelous for words.
-Big Brother (3)
Steve becomes big brother to a street kid heading for a bad end. If you can lay aside the painfully simplistic treatment of a serious social problem (and a momentary succumbing to the kiddie sound effect silliness that sullied seasons 3&4), this one has too much heart and fun to resist. A jet ride for a starry-eyed kid, an irresistible drop-in by jaime, a tenement sister and baby brother too perfect for words, a bionic street basketball game...
-Return of Bigfoot (4)
It really does take an admirable leap at living up to the original, splitting a two-parter with THE BIONIC WOMAN. Steve finds himself the primary suspect in a series of bionic robberies, and discovers that a splinter group of aliens are using sasquatch for felonious means. Steve gets sick and jaime takes over. Toss in some sandy duncan (ROOTS, VALERIE) and john saxon (THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN, BEVERLY HILLS COP III), and it almost lifts off. Perhaps if only andre had been available...
-Nightmare in the Sky (4)
Farrah returns for her bionic farewell, playing the same pilot she played in season 1 (two intervening 6MDM appearances, as a reporter and a gambler, don't quite merit mention). On a test mission, kelly loses both her plane and memory. Steve breaks her out of detention, and they're off. Yes, there's far too much "sit quietly little girl, and let the strong man take care of things", but their flirtations are disarmingly sweet. There's also some lovely villainy by donald moffat (LOGAN'S RUN, POPEYE) and dana elcar (MACGYVER, THE NUDE BOMB).
-The Bionic Boy (4)
This episode encapsulates the season 4 quality nosedive. The producers were ostensibly targeting kids more, but instead of doing so intelligently, the writing often just slips into infantile. And at the risk of getting a angry letter from MADS (the mustache anti-defamation society), steve's season four facial hair just makes him look smarmy and shady. Compounding matters, he's suddenly wearing sunglasses a lot, making this the season of the bionic car salesman (oops, there's a letter from SADS...and maybe CSADS too). In this one, a paralyzed youth gets bionic implants that are supposed to return him to normal, but he starts manifesting super strength. Mawkish and overdone, with one of the most cringe-worthy 6MDM segments ever - a beyond-hysterical square dance which devolves into a waltz, during which steve (who arrived at the dance with a young, thin blonde) gets unexpectedly stuck with a dance partner who is none of those things. He's too "gracious" to insult her to her face, but the audience sees his discomfort and disgust. Starring vincent van patten (ROCK 'n' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, BAYWATCH), joan van ark (DALLAS, KNOTS LANDING), dick van patten (EIGHT IS ENOUGH, WHEN THINGS WERE ROTTEN), greg evivan (er, eviGan - B.J. AND THE BEAR, TEKWAR), and frank gifford (MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, COACH).
-A Bionic Christmas Carol (4)
Convoluted, bizarre...and one rewrite short of brilliant. You won't make it a holiday staple, even ironically, but there are enough moments of magic (or absurdity) to make it something you have to see once. A miserly industrialist (ray walston - MY FAVORITE MARTIAN, FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH) makes shoddy government supplies, and steve investigates. Horton overdoses on meds, and spends a hallucinatory night with steve as a silent santa showing him the error of his ways (sort of). Bob cratchit and tiny tim are played by dick sargent (BEWITCHED, DOWN TO EARTH) and adam rich (EIGHT IS ENOUGH, THE DEVIL AND MAX DEVLIN).
-The Ultimate Imposter (4)
An impossibly young kim basinger (THE GETAWAY, THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR) gets no scenes with steve in this spin-off starter about a bionic-brained agent, that never gets spinning.
-U-509 (4)
Amid the season 4 rubble, a gem! A retired, embittered royal navy captain leads a mercenary crew who have a nazi sub with enough nerve gas too kill the eastern seaboard, unless they're given millions. Steve manages to get aboard the submerged sub. Great stories and visuals, nice comedy, and steve is more dirty harry bionic bad-ass than in any other episode. With ian abercrombie (SEINFELD, THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK).
-To Catch the Eagle (4)
And...the mustache is gone!! Wheee! It can be sad and funny to watch a 70s show try to do an episode about native indians without being patronizing - sometimes, they almost succeed. Steve must rescue two scientists who are on reservation sacred ground, but he must pass rigged tests of hardship first. It's scurrilous, noble, barbarically brutal toward other animals...but at least it tries. A tender, touching turn by kathleen beller (THE BETSY, THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER) as a bright indian teen who falls in love with steve.
-The Ghostly Teletype (4)
And the award for the most head-scratchingly bizarre 6MDM is claimed! Twin teen telepaths who are dying of old age...a gentle grandmother who lays steve out...a helpful fortune teller who doesn't exist...plus one really cool magician friend who shows the bullshit on the other side of the footlights. It's dipsy wipsy, but too weird to be denied. With larry anderson (LIFE WITH LUCY, STAR TREK: INSURRECTION), who was also in the bizarrest CHARLIE'S ANGELS ever. Coincidence? You decide.
-Sharks (5)
Gone is the attempt to turn 6MDM into a kid's show, as the final season bursts out of the gate in this two-parter about a scientist and his shark-controlling daughter (pamela hensley - BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY, THE NUDE BOMB) who try to steal a nuclear sub. Hensley and majors have chemistry to burn, and rudy's "trapped in a diving bell" faces are beyond classic. Plus a treat for sci fi fans, as marc alaimo (STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) and john de lancie (STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) play evil and good henchmen.
-Bigfoot V (5)
As bad as JAWS 3-D? Not nearly, although invoking the jaws spiral is valid. Without andre the giant, stephanie powers, or even sandy duncan, this one still rallies at the end to touch the heartstrings more than either of its predecessors. Bigfoot (ted cassidy - BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, THE ADDAMS FAMILY) chooses to remain on Earth, and is interrupted midway through a cycle which will turn him completely organic. He's half-insane - can steve save him? Need you ask?
-Killer Wind (5)
Winner of the M.R.N.A.P.B.D. award (the Most Ridiculous Non-Acknowledgement of a Preposterous Bionic Display), as steve simultaneously pulls two ten-ton tramcars separated by two miles, up and down a mountain...while the locals just smile and nod. Can we please get a physicist in to calculate just how strong he has to be to pull this one off?
-Dark Side of the Moon (5)
This two-parter is so very good, just because its inventiveness goes light years beyond anything you might expect. Astronaut steve is back in space, as Earth tries to mine the moon for a super power source. The show takes breathtaking liberties with the realities of the space program (and the principles of science), but that's part of the charm, as steve rushes to push the moon back into its correct orbit. There's a villainous megalomaniac, a sultry scientist...you had me at hello, dark side (even without any Floyd in the soundtrack).
-The Cheshire Project (5)
Steve searches for a test pilot (suzanne sommers - THREE'S COMPANY, SHE'S THE SHERIFF) who disappeared with her plane, only to find that she was in on the plot. They have a romantic history, and she becomes the latest brand new felon who asks him to wait for her to get out of prison. What does it say about his personality that he (again) agrees? Does he have a conjugal visit clause built in to his government contract? The sommers/majors chemistry is lovely.
-Just a Matter of Time (5)
During a space flight, steve's capsule is diverted upon re-entry, and he finds himself on an island an ocean off-course. Government agents arrive, telling him that six years have passed and that he's been living the life of a defector inside the U.S.S.R. The plot will be recycled very well a decade later by STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION...but this incarnation feels fresh and disorienting. John de lancie's most satisfyingly substantive 6MDM turn.
-The Lost Island (5)
The most incoherent, inscrutable, and morally indefensible 6MDM. Wrap "CRIME SCENE" tape around this one and stay far, far away.
-The Moving Mountain (5)
And this, dear friends, is how you end a series. Or rather, it's how you end the day when a series doesn't seem to know it's ending. It's just a regular ol' episode, but a rib-tickling delight. Curiously, steve goes out the way he came in - not since the second telemovie pilot has an episode felt this "james bond" (An anarchic terrorist steals american missiles and a soviet launcher, forcing steve to go undercover with a russian agent, who happens to be a blonde sexpot - what were the odds?). But it works, because there's no 007 smarmy glibness. Steve and andrea (lisa farringer - COFFY, LAUGH-IN) play honeymooning husband and wife in an alpine resort, then hit the wilderness trail. Soon, they're humping and bumping by campfire light...oh stop, episode, you had us at guten tag. Yes, there's enough hypocritical, nationalistic propaganda to make a team of oxen puke (The poor russian is an unwitting pawn of her evil, machiavellian superiors!), but the chemistry and charm hit on all cylinders. As if that weren't enough, the evil general is played with oily elan by john colicos (STAR TREK, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA). No finale with steve, oscar, and rudy (or even jaime, the bionic boy, or bionic dog)...but a two-week detente sex holiday for our cold warriors is consolation enough. Bravo. 
-THE RETURN OF THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN AND THE BIONIC WOMAN
1987
As bad as BEASTMASTER 2? No...but comparable. Steve now lives in retired seclusion, jaime has had an accident which unearths her lost memories of loving him, he discovers a son he never knew who is about to graduate from flight school but has a horrific crash in which he loses two legs, an arm, and an eye...the gang's all back (except callahan and the dog), plus lee's real-life son lee II, and martin landau (SPACE: 1999, ED WOOD). There are moments of semi-delight...seeing how stuntwork has developed in ten years so that bionic jumps are more impressive than ever, plus scenes between jaime and steve that at least brush against the old magic...but it's often painfully flat, because they absolutely fail to recapture the feel of the original shows. The plot's trite, the writing is often second-rate, the music is awful (with pop hits sung by substitute voices), it looks like the worst kind of cheap TV movie of the week...perhaps harve bennett could have pulled a rabbit out of this hat, as the original shows had enough charm to overcome patches of weak writing...but harve has clearly left the building. Why do i feel such a compelling urge to blame this on the 80s?
-BIONIC SHOWDOWN
1989
The bionic is back! My guess is that the under-budgeted first telemovie did well enough that lots more cash came down the line, as this one looks and feels six million times better. It would actually get four stars if the plot had stayed on steve and jaime, rather than the new bionic kid in town (sandra bullock - DEMOLITION MAN, GRAVITY). The producers were angling for a spin-off...which is not to say that sandra isn't delightful - she is (and possibly sexier than in any role she's ever played), as she gets paired up with oscar's nephew jimmy (jeff yagher - V, SIX FEET UNDER). Lee II is also back. While steve tries to ask jaime to marry him, oscar goes on a drunken nutty after resigning from the OSI. Richard anderson's dandiest, most unbuttoned bionic turn. Can kate successfully portray an athlete at the world unity games, while simultaneously tracking down a super-bionic criminal?
-BIONIC EVER AFTER?
1994
The final appearance of steve and jaime...and rudy and oscar and even lee II (plus an underused anne lockhart - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, JOYRIDE). And it's rather wonderful. It might get four stars, if less time were spent on the "saving the world from terrorists" plot. As the bionic wedding approaches, jaime starts falling apart. But it's bionic sabotage! The unbalanced villain (farrah forke - WINGS, DWEEBS) has her sights on steve too. Can our heroes save each other, and the world? More to the point, will they get a real, relaxed domestic finale? With callahan? Ah well, it's a hell of a final kiss. We'll take it.
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But wait! If it's the silly action you can't resist, if the bionic duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-naahh alone is enough to get you giggling, here's the marathon for you - episodes that are middling or worse, but have a fight sequence that's just...heck, words fail me.
BION-A-THON
-Dr. Wells is Missing (1)
Going after rudy, who's been kidnapped in Austria, steve gets captured himself and must face off against the goons of a crime lord who wants to steal the secrets of bionics. The biggest bruiser of all, a black french martial arts master, has a dubbed-in voice that combines bruce lee and michael jackson. What, you think i could make that up?
-Return of the Robot Maker (2)
Oscar goldman is kidnapped, and replaced by a robot! Amateurishly written, but the climactic fight scene is beyond classic.
-Death Probe (4)
Steve tangles with a strange machine that fell out of the sky. OSI assumes it's alien, until all the deep cover russian spies in the world come out of the woodwork to converge on Wyoming, and steve discovers the vehicle is a russian probe meant for venusian exploration. Built to withstand extreme temperatures and pressures, the probe is now on high defense mode, and headed for a town. Steve is no match! It grabs him, it lassoes him! The images are too iconic and too beautifully silly.