"The Bionic Woman"

-created by kenneth johnson
1976-1978
Plot holes, getcher plot holes here!
I'm starting with criticism just as a buffer against overgushing later on. Yes, ridiculous holes in the very premise - a high-level tennis pro (it's implied that she had a memorable run in at least one grand slam tournament) reunites with her childhood love, who is (unbeknownst to her) a government cyborg. She has a horrific skydiving accident, and the cyborg convinces his superiors to make her a cyborg too. She retires from tennis, takes a job as a school teacher, and does government missions on the side. Oy, where do we start? A government invest 5 mil and being content getting a part-time agent living in Bumblefuck, CA? A government making an internationally-recognizable athlete a covert agent? To send on military-level missions with almost NO training? She'd be fishbait by the end of the first episode.
Quibbles aside...
THE BIONIC WOMAN is quite the delight, while also being a contender for the most feminist-positive big time television show ever. In some ways, jaime even tops wonder woman, and that's due to star lindsay wagner, who probably exerted more influence over a series than any unknown actor has, before or since. When she debuted the character on SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, her studio contract was lapsing, and they didn't think to re-up it for what was supposed to be a one-off. When they realized a bionic spin-off would be an instant hit, they threw buckets of bucks at her, but she held out for creative control. She then kept pushing a humanist/feminist agenda. This set BW apart from the parent series - as charming as 6MDM was, it was usually distressingly male in its worldview (good buy bops bad guy on head, everyone goes home). Lindsay made jaime much more human. It's funny to watch the show, thinking about the ongoing compromises between her and creator kenny johnson - for every fembot or sasquatch episode, there was usually one less violent and simplistic. All those children who grew up in the 70s (this writer included), were subconsciously molded by the quieter episodes...and the world is a far better place for it.
The show was also progressive sexually - jaime was romantically active, happily unmarried, and not even hung up on monogamy. You never saw more than one love interest at a time, but the occasional comment indicated that she wasn't averse to it. Even when they gave her a steady beau, she was still having other one-episode romances. Yay!
There was of course some action violence every episode, but she never wanted to hurt anyone. And the way those sequences were shot, rendered them more silly than heavy.
You may be endlessly charmed by lindsay's talent. She has a quirky quality that's subtle and unforced - not one actor in a thousand is so blessed. She quietly maimed the mold that kept action stars from being goofy or human. Making her a school teacher helped. Even though classroom shots were rare, they established jaime as a nurturer. You always see her mind spinning, as she struggles through moral dilemmas. Sometimes, she genuinely has no idea what to do...but her vulnerability and decency never abandon her.
The show's co-stars were richard anderson (FORBIDDEN PLANET, PERRY MASON) as oscar goldman, and martin e. brooks (COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT, DALLAS) as dr. rudy wells. Allowed to be less stiff than on 6MDM, they warmly anchor the show. They were also the first actors to play the same characters simultaneously on two different networks.
Creator kenny johnson (THE INCREDIBLE HULK, V) is also a rare creature - a non-actor who can dish up an entertaining commentary track. Maybe he's got a smartphone with him, but the man rattles off bushels of credits for cast and crew alike. He really seems to care. With irrepressible enthusiasm, he even invites viewers to write to him. His lack of artifice is charming.
NOTEWORTHY EPISODES (season)
[boldface = must-see]
-The Bionic Woman (THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, season 2)
A chance meeting reunites steve austin with tennis pro jaime sommers, his unrequited childhood love. Steve has never been so loose and human...a wedding is planned, but a skydiving accident brings her to death's doorstep! Oscar can't turn down steve's plea to save her (bionically). Jamie prepares for an OSI mission, but her body rejects the bionics. She dies. No, really. The screen debut of dana plato (CALIFORNIA SUITE, DIFF'RENT STROKES), and the only time jaime shares the screen with rudy wells #2 of 3 (alan oppenheimer - PRIVATE BENJAMIN, THE NEVERENDING STORY).
-The Return of the Bionic Woman (THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, season 3)
Okay, she's NOT dead! She was just pining for the fjords, perhaps? The scrambled contrivance to un-dead her is worth some laughs - one of rudy's assistants (rick lenz - GREEN ACRES, THE SHOOTIST) rushes in moments after she dies, with a radical cryogenic proposal. And we're off! Except that the resurrection damages her memory, including the part about having known steve (we writers call that the "plot device that allows our hero to fool around with non-bionic men without seeming, y'know, slutty"). As she recovers, she falls in love...with her dashing doctor! Aww (on two levels). The romantic tension works, and steve's willingness to accept the new reality is very alan alda.
-Welcome Home, Jaime (1)
A two-parter that starts with a season 3 episode of SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, as jaime jumps into her own series with a rush of gentle charm. She returns to her childhood home Ojai, where steve's parents (martha scott - BEN-HUR, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, and ford rainey - 3:10 TO YUMA, NED AND STACEY) set her up in their carriage house. She begins her life as a teacher, while a slimy industrialist takes an interest in her strange abilities.
-Angel of Mercy (1)
The first regular series episode is lifted to heights of silliness by one andy griffith (THE NEW ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, RUSTLERS' RHAPSODY). Sheriff andy plays bush pilot jack starkey. The script about a lost ambassador is implausible even by the show's standards...but is too, too charming to resist. One suspects that this was a particularly fun shoot for all involved.
-A Thing of the Past (1)
One of the most touching human connections of the series, between lindsay and guest star donald o'connor (SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, THE DONALD O'CONNOR SHOW). He plays an unassuming bus driver a couple decades her senior...in other words, the last person with whom you might expect the writers to have her flirt. But she does. Sweet and thoroughly charming.
-Bionic Beauty (1)
A beauty pageant episode was seemingly an obligatory (and quease-inducing) rite of passage for all 70s action heroines. But unlike wonder woman's moment in the slime (inarguably that show's nadir), the writers here found a way to make jaime's pageant purgatory palatable. Heck, even silly and standout. It starts with jaime's revulsion at the mere thought, and ends with making the pageant bigwigs the baddies, in some computer circuit caper. And somewhere in between, bert parks (THE FRESHMAN, NIGHT OF 100 STARS II) renders one of the most campily silly fight scenes in Hollywood history. You'll hit the rewind button several times to see his facial expressions in slow motion. Gary crosby (OPERATION BIKINI, ADAM-12) hits all the right notes too.
-Winning is Everything (1)
A tight, exciting ride as jaime takes the navigator seat in a cross-desert Middle East grand prix. Guest star john elerick (EARTHQUAKE, EMBRYO) is perfectly sympathetic as a down-on-his-luck driver struggling with demons. The highlight of the show is perhaps oscar's de-jewing of himself to make a field appearance. A quick disguise, and ta-da - oscar bartholomew! Ah, those nutty 70s, when a jew couldn't walk the street unmolested in the Middle East. Remember those wacky days?
-Canyon of Death (1)
A new native indian student (guillermo san juan - HILL STREET BLUES) in jaime's class has trouble fitting in, due to an overactive imagination and cultural confusion. The writing is non-condescending. Plus an atomic flying suit! And a suitably despicable turn by gary collins (THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY, ROOTS).
-Fly Jaime (1)
Jaime poses as a stewardess, to guard rudy and a secret formula. The plane goes down, they're stranded on an island, and rudy is wounded (with baddies lurking among the passengers). A taut, suspenseful balance of the elements that made the show great: action, humor, and humanism.
-Mirror Image (1)
Is this a fair way to treat a sexually-repressed culture? Am i NOT supposed to notice normally-hidden feminine charms, and pretend that my eyes aren't falling out?? On its own merits, this episode makes any best-of list, as it's a ballyhoo for ms. wagner's talents. She plays jaime, plus a criminal who's been surgically-altered to look like her. Said criminal is a chain-smoking southern belle. With infiltration and counter-infiltration, prepare yourself for mistaken identities worthy of french bedroom farce. Plus herb jefferson (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, STAR TREK: OF GODS AND MEN) as a suave bahamian who crates jaime and dumps her in the Carribbean. An action/comedy extravaganza! And...i suppose the stage was set with marlo thomas in THAT GIRL, who wasn't going to wear a bra if she didn't damn well feel like it. You can see the occasional resonance of that throughout this series, but this'n might unhinge your non-bionic jaw.
-The Ghost Hunter (1)
Jaime poses as a governess for an adolescent with an OSI scientist father, whose work is being disrupted by paranormal activity. It sounds like a recipe for meh, but comes together, thanks in part to fine performances (and fine sommers chemistry) with paul shenar (ROOTS, DREAM LOVER) and kristy mcnichol (THE PIRATE MOVIE, DREAM LOVER).
-The Return of Bigfoot (2)
Wheeeeeee! Okay, andre the giant couldn't make this go-around, but ted cassidy (THE ADDAMS FAMILY, BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID) is a fine fill-in, and there's plenty of austin/sommers magic. Plus juicy guest star aliens! A two-parter that starts on 6MDM, steve becomes a suspect in some bionic-appearing robberies. Beset by civil war, the aliens restore his memories in order to secure his help. But he gets radiation sickness, and jaime must take on bigfoot, who is a pawn of the conquest-bent aliens, who are played by stefanie powers (THE GIRL FROM U.N.C.L.E., HART TO HART: TILL DEATH DO US HART), john saxon (MITCHELL, THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN), and sandy duncan (ROOTS, VALERIE). Phew! Anybody winded?
-In this Corner, Jaime Sommers (2)
Quite silly, and quite irresistible. Jaime infiltrates the world of woman wrestling, and spends the episode dressed as savage jessie sommers! She's more adorable than deplorable, but her bionics remedy that. The shifty show manager (norman fell - CATCH-22, THE ROPERS) is shelling government shecrets. And remember jaime's quirky quality? I kid you not, she sasses mad mary maddox (or is it battling betty madison?) by giving the international sign for cunnilingus. Priceless.
-The Road to Nashville (2)
Jaime sings! And not some cheesy dub-in - those are lindsay's pipes, just as surely as that was lee singing in their first episode (sorry, no bionic duet). Jaime pretends to be an aspiring singer, to unravel a government leak that's flowing though a Nashville star (just go with it) played by hoyt axton (GREMLINS, DALLAS: THE EARLY YEARS). Jaime's co-conspirator is country musician muffin calhoon, played by...wait for it...doc severinson! The fact that lindsay doesn't mention doc's name even once on the commentary track, speaks volumes. But still, "Just chalk one up for the Muffin" has to stand as a contender for funniest BW line ever.
-Kill Oscar (2)
Fembots. Fembots! FEMBOTS!!! This three-part paean to misogyny (the second of which is on 6MDM) might be consigned to the scrap heap, but for one tiny nugget of improbable casting. The spurned doctor-who-plans-revenge-on-oscar-while-scheming-to-conquer-the-world-with-evil-female-robots? Boys and girls, that would be one john houseman (THE PAPER CHASE, THE NAKED GUN). Mr. Smith Julliard Barney himself. So yes, keep any actual boys and girls away from this one, but the chilling image of a powerful, beautiful woman with her face removed to reveal wires and circuits is a fright that will never be erased. Jaime and steve storm an island lair, oscar leaves taped instructions to not spare his life...brilliant. Now, mr. johnson, i'd like to discuss my trust issues with women.
-Black Magic (2)
How does an episode this overloaded with guest stars not collapse under its own weight? Ms. sommers knows a thing or two about load-bearing, i reckon. An island mansion is the setting for a greedy family gathering to hear a will reading. Jaime impersonates a long-lost relative. Are you sitting down? Vincent price (BATMAN, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS) plays a dual role, and is joined by julie newmar (BATMAN, NUDITY REQUIRED), hermione baddeley (BATMAN, MAUDE), and abe vigoda (FISH, JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). Delightful.
-The Vega Influence (2)
Jaime is reunited with the cryogenic doctor who saved her life. She and michael, in an air force transport, make a stop on an island military base...which is deserted. They find the base personnel zombified, and soon fall prey to the same influence, except for jaime and a teenage girl (jamie smith-jackson - BREEZY, ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN), who develop a touching connection. A meteor is the cause of the trouble, and in this chilling episode you see jaime genuinely terrified.
-Jaime's Shield (2)
How much of a hoot is it to have jaime go undercover as a police academy cadet...and have the academy gate be the same one used for CHARLIE'S ANGELS? The episode's a dandy too. Strong female characters, a sexist cop whom jaime reforms, and wonderfully silly action. Plus a slick, dastardly russian agent played by rebecca balding (SOAP, CHARMED).
-Biofeedback (2)
Jaime teams up with a tibetan-trained doctor (granville van dusen - SOAP, HILL STREET BLUES) who can manipulate his body functions, for a mission behind the Iron Curtain. He simulates death, wards off freezing and drowning, and negates the effects of a grievous wound. This was lindsay's most beloved episode, because it's about untapped human potential (in a show based on a technologically-enhanced superhuman). Decades later, we're not much further along in understanding the potentialities or limits of biofeedback (or neurofeedback, as it's been "palatably" renamed), but the medical establishment seems to be taking it more seriously. This episode is a charmer...yes, there's an unintentionally silly aspect as we hear granville's inner "shanti, omm" monologue (you may be a bit stunned by how unabashedly the writers ran with the concept)...but all the best elements of the show are firmly in place.
-Doomsday is Tomorrow (2)
Written and directed by kenny, this two-parter is the BW pinnacle. Alone in a desert complex, jaime takes on a supercomputer which has been programmed by its dying creator (lew ayres - ALL QUEST ON THE WESTERN FRONT, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA) to destroy the world unless all nations pledge to never detonate a nuclear weapon again. When a disbelieving third world country detonates a test bomb, the countdown to armageddon is begun. Jaime battles waves of defenses, trying to reason with the computer while descending toward its core. The casting of lew was a brilliant coup - as the star of DR. KILDARE, he had registered as a conscientious objector when drafted for WWII. The country was outraged and his career disappeared, until an Oscar nomination in 1948. His turn here as the ultimate person of peace is perfect. And with no one to play against except a disembodied voice, lindsay turns in a performance a million miles beyond good. The dramatic twists and turns are searing.
-Deadly Ringer (2)
This two-part sequel to "Mirror Image" has jaime kidnapped and switched with her jailbird double, who is due to be given her original face through cosmetic surgery! The sense of isolation and desperation jaime feels as she tries to convince an unsympathetic world that a mistake has been made, is disturbing. Even oscar coldly tosses her under the bus. Another brilliant turn for lindsay, this one tragic as lisa galloway becomes addicted to a drug in order to deal with becoming addicted to living jaime's life. Plus a lil' katherine helmond (SOAP, BRAZIL).
-Jaime and the King (2)
A contender for the worst BW ever...yet if you're gonna be bad, go down swinging i say, and so does robert loggia (AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN, LOST HIGHWAY), who gives a scenery-chewing performance as an arabian shah. Jaime poses as his son's tutor, to protect the hyper-chauvinist shah from assassination. The son (lance kerwin - JAMES AT SIXTEEN, ENEMY MINE) is no peach either, but jaime gives him his first taste of a woman who isn't a doormat. Their relationship is touching. I'm not sure whether having jaime do a veil dance undercuts the feminist message...but mostly, the badness is the uncertainty over whether this is racist (or just culturally insensitive?). It's all a bit trippy and unbalancing. Still...a must-see for loggia-lovers.
-The Dejon Caper (2)
Has rene auberjonois (M*A*S*H, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) ever done a bad guest turn? His appearances on WONDER WOMAN, CHARLIE'S ANGELS, BW, and MRS. COLUMBO (well...) would make a lovely 70s power feminist marathon. Here, he's a world-class art forger caught by the OSI and forced to go to Paris with jaime, to betray his boss. He tries to give her the slip, but realizes he's dead without her. Brisk, witty, charming...
-Iron Ships and Dead Men (2)
A bittersweet look into oscar's past, as jaime goes undercover (and off the books) at a dockyard to investigate the discovery of his dead brother's dog tags. A fine tutorial for workplace sexism in the 70s. Jaime develops a touching connection with a mentally slow worker (bob richards - LIL' ABNER, GENESIS II). They really work the george/lenny thing, but they do it well.
-Once a Thief (2)
Another buddy adventure, this time with a down-on-his-luck, lonely cat burglar who accidentally sees her bionics, and tries to bribe her into doing one last big job with him. Suddenly, they're caught in the crossfire between his greedy bosses and the police. A poignant guest turn by elisha cook, jr. (THE MALTESE FALCON, MAGNUM P.I.).
-The Bionic Dog (3)
A new network, new producer (james parriott - though not new to the series), and a dangerously precious title give rise to shark-jumping angst, but all is well! Jaime learns of the existence of the animal who first received bionics (before they were deemed, y'know, safe enough for humans). Sadly, the dog max is about to be euthanized after his captivity-induced ennui causes rudy to believe that the bionics are finally being rejected. Cyborg woman and dog bond - her pleas for his life unheeded, she breaks him out and flees, ending up in the wilds of the Sierras, where she finds refuge with an old flame (dale robinette - THE JAZZ SINGER, DEATH WISH 4), who gets to say the line "Up here animals are people" (given how we humans treat other people, that's a mixed blessing, but it's still a stunningly progressive morsel to feed young minds in 1978...or now). It's also hard to not see an unintentional parallel to lindsay and creator kenny's relationship. His reaching for 6MDM-style action (kill the dog!), her pushing a humanist/feminist agenda (spare the dog!)...kenny is embodied by both rudy and oscar, who push jaime to her first flagrant insubordination. The conflicts, compromises, and conciliations of real life are delightfully drawn out.
- Motorcycle Boogie (3)
Okay! Have jaime shanghai a motorcyclist for a high-speed chase! Have the biker be evel knievel, and turn it into a buddy comedy where she refuses to believe he's actually evel! Good, good, great! But it's missing something...i've got it! Have them running around behind the iron curtain, chased by german goons, one of whom sounds a little like count dracula! And have evel speak a little german! YES! BRILLIANT! DO IT!!! This one is so charmingly silly, it can do no wrong. The writing loses its deftness once or twice, but you'll be giggling from start to finish. Jaime's checkpoint guard flirtation is a gear-shifting testament to lindsay's talent - just when it's all sliding into camp (not the kind with tents), she pops off a moment so real that you'll be shaking your head.
-Escape to Love (3)
Wow. That's just...awful. The level of writing plunges to a dreary depth heretofore unbionically seen. I'm all for giving opportunities to anyone but another white male, but both the writer and story editor here are women - and this'ns nowhere near ready for prime time. Yes, kids, kenny johnson and executive producer harve bennett (THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN) have left the building.
-Max (3)
Aww...max gets his own episode. No really...the first BW episode to relegate lindsay to a supporting role. Instead, it's a buddy comedy between max and his teen-aged babysitter - christopher knight (THE BRADY KIDS, THE BRADYS)! Unfortunately, it's unwatchable, as the writers make christopher too stupid to breathe.
-All for One (3)
Jamie enrolls in college to find a genius computer hacker. She meets a food truck manager (franklin ajaye - THE JAZZ SINGER, DEADWOOD) who's channeling stolen money to underprivileged students. Subtlety, humanism...but why is a robin-hood themed show given a three musketeers title?
-The Pyramid (3)
Wait a minute...you mean the OSI had the technology to fix the ozone layer back in 1978?? Goddamned government grumble grumble...
-The Antidote (3)
Another curiosity in which lindsay plays a supporting role to the bionic "family", as max, callahan, and late-series recurring boyfriend (christopher stone - CUJO, THE NEW LASSIE) rush to save a poisoned bionic woman. Weak writing and acting, but some lovely bionic dog action. Chris is a little "70s macho blah", and his chemistry with lindsay doesn't set the house on fire...but it's fun when you think of him as a perfect morphing of robert redford and rip taylor.
-Sanctuary Earth (3)
Wheee! For those of us thought the pariott era would fade away with a whimper, strap yourselves in for a ride...with a space princess! Hmm...let me guess. 1978? Yup. I think even the waltons had an alien visitation that year. Here, the aforementioned princess stows away on a plummeting satellite, fleeing from pursuers. Jaime gives her sanctuary, and pretty soon the pursuers arrive (wearing turtlenecks and blazers, and why not?). What amps up the delight on this silly charmer is fifteen year-old helen hunt (SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, TRANCERS 1-3). Her performance is flat...but that may have been an acting choice, as it works fine. Curiously, jaime is reluctant to believe her guest is an alien (curious, because this is the third time in four episodes that she's faced aliens...aah, you crazy post-STAR WARS networks).
-Deadly Music (3)
In three seasons, she never punches a human being...but she's fine with cold-cocking a shark?
-Which One is Jaime? (3)
A mistaken identity snafu has callahan kidnapped in jaime's place. This could've been a classic (especially considering that the action takes place in the same amusement park used for NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION), but the writing devolves. James sikking (HILL STREET BLUES, DOOGIE HOWSER M.D.) and brock peters (TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) are mostly wasted.
-Out of Body (3)
Another high-water mark for the show's progressive side, as jaime becomes romantic soul mates with a native indian. Tommy Littlehorse is framed for a robbery, and put into a coma. He then communicates with jaime through the spirit realm. The dipsy wipsiest BW? We'll allow it.
-On the Run (3)
The regular season series finale. Knowing it was coming, they wrote a script that paralleled lindsay's own ambivalence about BW, as jaime decides to leave the OSI. Oscar's superiors won't allow it. She goes on the lam as a fugitive, but finally returns, in exchange for more control of her destiny. Considering the lame duck status imposed by the lack of a six million dollar man (heck, there's even a sub in for callahan), it's a decent wrap-up. The highlight is an edgy, intense moment for oscar as he disobeys orders and urges her to run.
-BIONIC EVER AFTER?
A 1994 telemovie, and the final appearance of steve and jaime...and rudy and oscar and even lee II (plus an underused anne lockhart - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, JOYRIDE). It's rather wonderful. It might even get four stars, if less time were spent on the inane "saving the world from terrorists" plot. As the bionic wedding approaches, jaime starts falling apart, mentally and physically. But it's sabotage! The unbalanced villain (farrah forke - WINGS, DWEEBS) has her sights on steve too. Can they save each other, and the world? More to the point, don't they deserve a real, relaxed domestic finale? Ah well, it's a hell of a final kiss. We'll take it.